


Thadan Oakwind's Journal

by AltFire



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Diary/Journal, Gen, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-01 05:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 67,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8610703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltFire/pseuds/AltFire
Summary: Thadan Oakwind was a disgraced, half-blind bosmer with just about nothing to his name when he arrived in Skyrim. He's still disgraced and half-blind, but now he's got friends, a bunch of cool stuff, and kills dragons for fun. He also writes way too much.--So I found an in-game journal mod. Things rapidly got out of hand, and in about eleven days I'd written the first 30k. Then I didn't play for several months, and now I'm back! I'll update whenever I have between 3k-15k words. Chapter lengths vary widely.I'm @altfire on tumblr.





	1. Last Seed 22nd - Heartfire 10th

\---Last Seed, 22nd, 4E 201---

I have just discovered this empty journal in my pack - surely some spare book collected on accident, as I am wont to do - and I've elected to begin a journal.

It has been less than a week since I crossed the border into Skyrim from Cyrodiil, and weeks since I left Valenwood. My time here in Skyrim has been... very eventful. I will attempt to summarize.

Travelling through Cyrodiil was rather tame. I was largely uninterrupted as I made the trek, and I had little trouble with the Imperials there, or other mer. Most of the trouble I had was predominantly mental, as I grew accustomed to open air and the local food. I had quite the stomachache for the first few weeks, as I have never eaten vegetation before (Y'ffre forgive me). Cyrodiil was pleasant enough, if tiresome. And boring. I'm glad to be free of it.

Skyrim isn't much better, however. It is absolutely freezing here most of the time, and I've faced such trouble since arriving that wearing the appropriate furs just isn't feasible. When I took my first steps over the border, they were straight into an Imperial ambush wherein I - likely the biggest and most brutish-looking Bosmer these ignorant Nords have ever seen - was arrested for merely existing. All of my belongings were taken, including my prized bone bow from home. I am still distraught over it.

We travelled with the caravan for over a week, and on the last day - the 17th of Last Seed, just five days ago - we found ourselves in Helgen, a small nord village piled high with stone Imperial walls. I awoke just before we passed through the walls, where I discovered I had new wagon-mates - all Nords, a pair of handsome blondes and a shifty dark-haired thief. I forget his name, but the blondes were called Ralof and Ulfric, the latter of which apparently the leader of the Nordic rebellion, the Stormcloaks.

We were all to be executed in Helgen, it seemed. I was more than a little resigned - all of my forgotten guilt over my breaking of the Green Pact surged up at once and I felt that this was my punishment for doing so. The dark-haired thief tried to run and was shot down. I was the first of our wagon to step up to the block, when we all heard something like a roar of thunder, though the sky was clear and the sun was bright, if watery pale with morning. Once I was laid down on the block, the Nordic priestess spouting some nonsense about their common gods, a great dark shape of jagged edges and glittering ink-black scales landed atop the tower, exactly inside my line of sight. The dragon - and a dragon it was, a real, life one - roared something nonsensical as if it were trying to communicate and began to wreak absolute havoc. In the chaos I slipped away, running entirely on instinct and something like muscle memory, though I hadn't truly run in weeks. I escaped with Ralof into some keep and had to kill many Imperials with a borrowed sword and gear until I was able to snatch up a bow. I was- I still am uneasy with my bow, though I am improving. My lack of depth has not helped. Anyway, I was marginally for effective with the bow and took out the rest of the Imperials, as well as some rather large spiders and a bear, with considerable assistance from Ralof.

Once we were out of the underground, we saw the dragon once more, this time flying off apparently toward Riverwood, a small Nord town where Ralof's sister happens to live. We walked there together, fending off a small pack of wolves and arriving mostly unscathed. His sister, Gerder, was endlessly hospitable. I am ever grateful for her offer of bed and food, though I never did figure out which house was hers? None were labelled.

I did find a blacksmith, and with his help by the end of the day I had crafted myself a set of leather armor, which I am still wearing. I'm rather proud of my craftsmanship, as I've never fancied myself an artisan of any sort before. I suppose it was the confidence boost I needed.

With that I left for Whiterun, the hold capital, where I was to speak with Jarl Balgruff about what happened with the dragon in Helgen. I left out the fact that I was to be executed - it was wrongful anyway, he didn't need to form some opinion on me based off that. He thanked me, and ushered me to his court wizard (whose name escapes me). The both of them told me that the return of the dragons is some sort of... omen, perhaps? In any case, it's a very important thing, and they needed some stone tablet called the Dragonstone from a dungeon called Bleak Falls Barrow outside Riverwood. I have managed to earn a reputation for adventurousness (perhaps based on my appearance?) and they sent me out.

I was, to say the least, apprehensive. It was late and I didn't think myself ready to- to face whatever challenges Bleak Falls would present me with, especially when I could hardly shoot straight, and with no desire to suddenly take up swordplay. Close combat makes me- er, panicky, I suppose. I'm not a fan.

Anyway. I decided to practice with my bow, too much adrenaline to rest for the night, and left Whiterun in the dark to do so. While I was out hunting - mostly wolves, because these deer in Skyrim are damn skittish - I saw a man in the distance, illuminated by some sort of magic that outlined his form in pale blue. I ran up to meet him, curious, and he revealed to me that he was a travelling bard. He pointed me (figuratively, as the destination was truly too far to walk) to the Bards' College in Solitude.

I knew I didn't want to go to Bleak Falls just yet, and I couldn't just loiter around Whiterun until I felt ready, so on a whim I used nearly all the gold I had to hitch a carriage to Solitude.

(This is already much too long. I will summarize further.)

I witnessed an execution the moment I stepped in the door, which I'll have to investigate next time I get to Solitude. To join the Bards' College I was tasked with retrieving some verse from the poetic history of Skyrim, which I thought would be easy but was definitely not. I saw more dead men walking in that crypt than I had ever seen, not including the ghostly figure that led and assisted me the whole way. Verse found and its undead subject, some ancient king from Whiterun, re-killed, I made my way back to Solitude where I helped the headmaster of the College complete the poem (it was missing great swaths of storyline)and watched him present to the Jarl. She allowed us to put on some ceremony wherein we burned an effigy of the aforementioned undead king (she had wanted it cancelled, as she saw it distasteful so soon after her husband, the recently-deceased High King, had perished). I pocketed as much of the catering as possible, as I am a firm believer that one can never carry too much sustenance, and slept the night in the college. One of the professors asked me to find some ancient family heirloom flute that some student sold off, which I'll probably get to later, but I've been... busy.

I spent the next day travelling back toward Bleak Falls, sure that nothing I could encounter would be worse than King Olaf One-Eye's reanimated corpse and entire court. I took a detour into a cave after I discovered an overturned traders' caravan, its occupants riddled with strange arrows, and then a nearby camp of adventurers that had been abandoned for some time. I found the adventurers dead in the cave, and eventually found their murderers - a host of blind mer, all bald and all male for what I could see, with primitive weaponry (I am currently using one of their bows) and some even with magic.

I broke the Green Pact in its entirety, collecting fungi by the armful (I knew they would be useful as reagents - I've heard of a simple recipe for healing potions, which I've since used. Y'ffre will either forgive me or strike me down). I did backtrack and leave the cave without reaching the end, as the mer were excessively tough and I didn't fancy fighting them in the dark and cramped space, water up to my calves and a feeling like eyes on my back. I left with my haul and continued down the road.

I passed through a couple small towns and stopped in Rorikstead, which I recognized as the dark-haired thief from Helgen's hometown. I stayed the night in the tavern and collected as much wheat as I was allowed from the nearby farm. In the morning I walked the rest of the way. It was morning by the time I came out the other side of Bleak Falls, leaving a bloodless trail of undead corpses behind me (though I did encounter a handful of bandits at the entrance, and a man who tried to con me into saving him in exchange for a key which he didn't actually give me. He didn't run faster than my bow.)

As with King Olaf's tomb, there was a strange wall covered in writing around the back of the dungeon. There was chanting, echoing as if in a great open space or as if inside mine own mind, and I heard a word inside my head - "fus," whatever it means.

(This is getting really very long. I have places to be. Alas, I must finish.)

I took the Dragonstone - recovered off the final undead - back to Whiterun. The wizard took it from me and Irileth - a Dunmer and housecarl (like a warrior-servant) to the Jarl - told us that a dragon was just seen nearby. We told the Jarl, and with a small group of guards we stormed off to kill it.

Once the dragon was dead I- and this was so strange, I can hardly believe it happened, but it was just last night- the dragon's skin and meat all melted away, leaving its pale skeleton on the ground before me. I had sprinted down from my perch atop the tower to see the corpse up close and- and light and energy began to build and swirl around me until I was fully encompassed. And then it was gone, the guards all staring at me with something like awe.

They called me "Dragonborn," and- and I was in shock, so I missed a lot of what they told me, but there was something about shouting so I- I remembered that word? That "fus?" And I felt it in the back of my throat, white-hot and powerful, and I did shout it. The air pulsed and shoved, and the guards in front of me were pushed back, losing their footing and nearly falling over with the force of it!

I walked back to Whiterun, slowly with exhaustion and my load of dragon bones and scales, and as I walked there was a crack of thunder - I thought it another dragon and nearly ruined my trousers - but then a chorus of distant voices shouted "DOVAHKIIN." It was morning by the time I arrived. I sold the dragon's remains for a pretty coin and told the Jarl about the dragon, and about the guards calling me "Dragonborn." He told me that Dovahkiin means Dragonborn in the dragons' tongue, and that I had been summoned by the Greybeards, ancient Nords who had mastered the way of the Voice, which is that strange shouting thing the dragons do. I had apparently done it when I shouted "fus," before.

Now, it's early afternoon and I've been sat in this courtyard in the middle of Whiterun for an embarrassingly long amount of time, transcribing all this. I'm not yet sure what I'll do next, but I suppose I am excited to see where this... this adventure, I suppose, takes me.

-Thadan Oakwind

 

I have been thinking. Perhaps the Green Pact only applies to Valenwood? If any forests are godless, they would be those found in Skyrim. I feel slightly better.

-Thadan

 

I have arrived in Riverwood. I finally found Gerder's house, by following her home from the mill. Ralof was inside and we shared a meal. I wish he could join me on my adventure, but he seems more than content resting. Perhaps he deserves that. I will not ask him.

-Thadan

 

\---Last Seed, 23rd, 4E 201---

Spent the night in Riverwood and I've been travelling all day toward Ivarstead, and the seven-hundred steps to High Hrothgar, and they Greybeards. Along the way I've killed two separate necromancers (not sure if they knew each other?), a couple bandits, and a lot of wolves. I found a Stormcloak camp and they allowed me to borrow a horse, which I road the rest of the way up the mountain. I just stepped off it and it seems to be making its way home.

I'm about to take the steps. It's getting late in the evening, but I hope to be at the top of the mountain by sundown.

-Thadan

 

\---Last Seed, 24th, 4E 201---

It's now just past midnight. The steps were hardly any trouble - save maybe the frost troll, but I simply sneaked as close to it as I dared before sprinting nearly the entire rest of the way up the mountain. I do so dread going back down.

The Greybeards are as mysterious (and old) as they sound. I was given the second word to "fus," which meant "force" and was part of a Shout called "Unrelenting Force." The second part is "ro." I was also given the second word to the other word I learned - I now know "wuld" and "na" from the Shout "Whirlwind Sprint," which allows me to move a great distance at a greater speed. I can only use the first word now, though, as I will require another dragon soul to learn it fully. (That's what the light, the one from when we killed the dragon outside Whiterun, had been - its SOUL.)

Now, I must head back down the mountain. I suppose I will go do this errand the Greybeards asked of me - a simple retrieval of some... mystical horn, I suppose. I'll stay the night in Ivarstead first, though. I am exhausted.

-Thadan

 

I came down the mountain differently than I thought I would, and ended up closer to Riverwood. I'm almost sick of this small town, and of Whiterun, but I suppose I find a sort of comfort in the familiarity. I tried to stay with Gerder again, but there wasn't a free bed, so I've bought a room at the nearby Inn. I had to wake up Delphine, the owner, and got my foot stuck in a basket trying to stay out of her way. Now I'll finally rest. Might let myself sleep in.

-Thadan

 

It's an awful day, greyed out and pouring rain. I've come to Whiterun on my way to find the Horn of Jurgen Windcaller and I found a Redguard woman in the Inn. I asked her about the mercenaries I met a couple days ago - two Redguard men calling themselves the Alik'r, asking for help locating a Redguard woman. She told me that she is a noble from Hammerfell, and that the men are assassins. She asked me to disperse them by killing (I suppose?) their leader, whom I am now also tasked with locating. I suppose I'm going to do that, now. While I'm still here.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Last Seed, 25th, 4E 201---

I spent the night in Whiterun's Inn. I discovered the location of the Alik'r leader by interrogating a former-Alik'r prisoner in the Jarl's dungeon (and by bribing the guard). I am now off to pick up my housecarl, Lydia, who became sworn to my service after I killed the dragon outside of the city. She seems to be a fierce warrior, and if what I've heard about this Alik'r camp and leader are true, I will require her services.

-Thadan

 

We've been outside of Whiterun for maybe an hour, mostly just skirting around a pair of giants' camp, and we've just seen a dragon! I got a couple shots in while it was fighting a nearby mage, but then it swooped over a bandit hideout (this whole area is riddled with undesirables, it's bizarre) and just now flew straight for Whiterun. Needless to say, we're running back, at the very least to collect its soul after the guards take care of it.

-Thadan

 

The dragon must have flown completely over Whiterun. I'm surely not chasing it across Skyrim. I suppose I'll find another one eventually.

Also, a beautiful day has morphed into a rain-drenched one. The clap of thunder that preceded the downpour frightened me to no end. Lydia is slow and keeps falling behind, which is frustrating. I hope she will become worth the effort later.

-Thadan

 

Everything has gotten a bit complicated, with this Redguard quest.

I met with the leader of the Alik'r, and he told me that they are not assassins. They have been sent to retrieve a traitor and bring them back alive - that is, the Redguard woman, Iman. She's going by Saadia now, but nonetheless, I've been told that she's a liar who tried to swindle me through appealing to my good heart. Or whatever. Lydia was a great help in clearing the way inside the cave, and saved me a great many arrows. Now, it's very late and I'm wondering if I should start the trek back to Whiterun or if I should rest in this sleeping roll I've found outside. I suppose I should keep walking. I can rent a room for the night when I get to Whiterun, and I won't catch a cold doing it.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Last Seed, 27th, 4E 201---

Rented the room and spend the night. I think I may have just slept for over a day - I hadn't realized I was so tired.

Saadia has been captured and I was awarded 500 gold for my trouble, not including all the gold I got from looting the bandits' cave. Now I suppose I will try to sell off all my useless items and invest in the Breezehome, here in Whiterun - I need somewhere to rest for free, and somewhere for Lydia to stay, and somewhere to stash my excess goods that I don't intend to sell or use.

After that, I suppose I'll continue toward Jurgen Windcaller's tomb, if I'm not distracted by some other menial task. The odds are high. The people of Skyrim seem to always be in need of some sort of adventurous assistance, and I suppose I've become the type to help them. If I don't, who will?

-Thadan

 

I still haven't enough coin to purchase the house, but I'm sure I will in just a few days' time. For now, I am taking Lydia with me to do the Windcaller quest. Along the way thus far we've killed a bear, some mudcrabs, and a skeever together - on my own I've killed a wolf and at least two deer, though maybe three? I'm not sure. My one-eyed aim is truly improving, which is a relief. I thought I'd never be able to hold a bow again, let alone kill dragons with it.

On that note, I have a feeling I'll be meeting one soon. I'm glad Lydia is with me - she is a bit slow on her feet, what with that heavy armor of hers, but she's a strong sword and a noble companion. I am glad to call her my friend.

-Thadan

 

I was right. I met a dragon at the very top of the mountain I'm scaling, nested among the snow like a statue. I instigated the fight with an arrow and we were off.

I feel as though Lydia and I did equal work - she drew much of the fire whilst I planted arrow after arrow in its thick hide. She did disappear for a time and I feared for her life while I continued to launch projectiles into its flame-spewing maw, but once the fire had died once and for all and the light of its soul appeared around me, she emerged from the snow like the undead - but dead she was not. I asked her to carry its bones and scales for me, and now we're coming down the side of the mountain.

The dragon seemed to be guarding something, however, and before I left I discovered what it was. There was a modest treasure - some gold, a silver ring, a couple potions - as well as a lone, dead adventurer and another strange wall covered in what I know now to be dragons' script. I learned a new word that I instantly seemed to know to be "frost." I believe I will spend the dragon's soul to learn that instead of the second Whirlwind Sprint word, for now.

-Thadan

 

It is very nearly midnight, I'm sure, and we've just reached our destination. This will be a very, very long night.

-Thadan

 

\---Last Seed, 28th, 4E 201---

We've been in this dungeon for hours now, with loot as aplenty as there are draugrs (those undead warriors I continue to encounter) and various wizards. Lydia has been a veritable gift from the gods - this would have taken me much longer, and numerous quiver-fuls of arrows. I believe we are close to our quarry.

Just now, Lydia whispered to me, "I apologize for- for, uh, questioning you, my thane, but I must ask - why have we been sneaking through this whole cavern? Even after we've cleared a room, you've stayed in position."

I made up some nonsense about never being too careful in response, but really I just was to embarrassed to say I am too nervous to traipse about like someone of, perhaps, her level of power could. These sort of dark caves are far too cramped for an archer.

-Thadan

 

Lydia's instincts are impeccable. I heard her behind me murmur, "I've got a bad feeling about this..." Next thing I knew, we were in a room with a floor made entirely of those blasted pressure-sensitive fire traps and frostbite spiders. Truly a clashing of opposites. I will be sure to listen to continue to listen to her in the future.

-Thadan

 

It's nearly noon. We arrived in the chamber where the Horn was meant to be - only to find it gone, its guardians slain and half the loot already looted. There was a note within the ghastly skeleton claw I presume once held the Horn that read that I should rent a room in the Riverwood Inn. Everything seems to lead me back there. Lydia and I are on our way now.

Once I've completed my business there, hopefully I can actually rest for a night. Or two.

-Thadan

 

Change of plan. I've checked my map, and discovered we are near a hold capital called Morthal. We will head there for a rest, then begin our trek for Riverwood in the morning.

-Thadan

 

As seems to constantly be the case, I've found myself laden down with errands from strangers. I don't mind, really. I don't like heading to bed before dark.

I do worry that Lydia is tired, and may resent me for dragging her all over Skyrim, but when I told her she could wait for me at the Inn she insisted she follow me. Who am I to argue?

I did meet a man today - a dark-haired Nord by the name of Benor, who (with little ado) challenged me to a fistfight. It's not really my strongpoint, but I managed to use my superior reach to my advantage and pulled out a narrow win. He gave me 100 gold and pledged himself to me, saying he would come to my aid much as Lydia would if I needed it. I suppose I've made a friend.

I have found myself in want of male company, as of late. The nights have been lonely - or, well, the nights not spent plundering dungeons with Lydia have. Maybe Benor and I will find we have more in common than I thought.

(Oh, the thought makes me blush. Perhaps I will not ask. We don't know each other very well, and I don't much fancy losing a friend so quickly. Another time, perhaps. Or a stranger. That handsome bard in Whiterun - what was it, Mikhail? - seemed... friendly enough.)

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Last Seed, 29th, 4E 201---

This quest has gotten out of hand.

What I had believed to be mere small-town drama (Morthal is surprisingly small, for a capital - it reminds me of Riverwood with more water) has somehow morphed into me chasing down ghosts and leading a small militia of townspeople against a master vampire, who has apparently been conspiring to turn the town into a vampiric paradise for him and his paramour. I'm now sort of lost in a cave with just Lydia (I'm not sure where the militia went).

Looks like another late night in a dungeon with my favorite Nord. Joy.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Last Seed, 30th, 4E 201---

It was around 7 am when I finished up yesterday - I cleared out the vampires with little trouble, though I seem to be running low on my homemade health potions. Nevertheless, Lydia and I are now well-rested and ready to set out for Riverwood.

I did discover, upon leaving the vampires' hideout, that I'd left the militia outside. I suppose I was so quick sneaking in and clearing it out that they didn't notice I was gone. I hope none of them are upset at not getting a piece of the action. There wasn't a lot of action to be had.

I told the Jarl when we returned and she informed me that if I were just a little more well-known, I could become thane of Morthal. I reckon it would only take one more errand to do so, but Morthal isn't exactly spectacular and I'm ready to get out of here, so maybe I'll be back to cash in on that another time. Lydia and I checked in to the Inn and I've been asleep for a full day, after two spent awake. I'm not sure how long or even where Lydia slept, as she wasn't in the bed when I went to bed or when I woke up. I suppose she made use of the chair I'm sitting in now, or the deerskin rug. Or, perhaps, she took a space on the bed - it's rather large - but she hasn't said anything about it. I can't say I mind, as long as she keeps her hands to herself. Yes, she's very pretty, but... not to my tastes. A bit too, er, female.

Anyway. Off to Riverwood. Goodbye, Morthal - I can't say I'll miss you.

-Thadan

 

I checked my gold and discovered I had over 6000! With this knowledge I splurged on a carriage ride to Whiterun, and Lydia and I are now on our way to purchase Breezehome. I'm excited to have a place to store my things that isn't a storeclerk's pockets - or Lydia's.

After this, I think I'll leave Lydia to settle in and I'll head to Riverwood to meet with my mysterious "friend." Though I must, first, sell all the enchanted paraphernalia I picked up from the vampires. That'll fetch a pretty coin.

-Thadan

 

The buying and selling today took far longer than I anticipated - it's late in the evening and we're still in Whiterun. Still, this isn't a bad thing, as we now have the chance to sleep in our own beds! Lydia has cordoned off a small side room on the second floor for herself, and I suppose I'll take larger bed in what I assume will one day be the master bedroom. The whole place is barren and lifeless, void of any comforts but a pair of beds and a solitary chest (now full of assorted nonsense), but - well, as the adage goes, it's not much, but it's home.

Riverwood in the morning. I can't wait to find out who took the damned Horn.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Last Seed, 31st, 4E 201---

Note to self: Rewrite passage on the shrine of Talos and my infidelity to our gods. Also, be more careful about shoving potions into the pack. Damn.

I've just met with my "mysterious" friend in Riverwood, and she was not who I expected - Delphine, the innkeeper here in town. She's a tough Nord woman, and claims to be from an organization that has sought out the Dragonborn for "a long time." I don't doubt her at all - that she was able to retrieve the claw, which she did give to me just now, is an impressive feat on its own. Not to mention that she has a secret room hidden behind a bookcase in one of the rooms here at the Inn, filled with maps and potions and armor. She's a much more worthy adventurer than I. Maybe she should have been Dragonborn - she surely would have realized it sooner, and put this power to good use.

Now, she has taken up arms and headed for a town called Kynesgrove, the site of the next dragon, according to the Dragonstone (that tablet I retrieved from Bleak Falls Barrow, that night - oh, gods, it seems so long ago), which is apparently (and yes, I am aware I am overusing the word) a map of dragon buriel sites. According to Delphine, who I've decided thus far to trust, the dragons aren't just back - they are back from the dead! They are, I can only imagine, heaving their great hollow bones up from the dirt, flesh materializing out of air and fire bursting to life in their lungs. I suppose I will see it up close once I get to Kynesgrove.

For now, however, I intend to head to High Hrothgar to return this blasted Horn. I do hope I will be given the final word in Unrelenting Force, as the first two have been endlessly useful in battle and I am more than excited to see the full impact of the Shout. It has saved me just enough time to draw my bow and deliver a killing blow more than once - and has saved my life in the process.

This Dragonborn nonsense I've gotten tied up in is exhausting, bewildering, and (at times) terrifying - but, gods, it is exciting.

I do so dread the walk up High Hrothgar. I was able to escape that troll once, but I'm not so sure I will be so lucky again. Perhaps I can borrow another Stormcloak horse? That camp must still be nearby.

-Thadan

 

Found the camp and marked it on my map, this time. I've borrowed the same greyish stallion as before and I suppose we're on our way to Ivarstead?

To be honest, I'm sort of lost. In running away from a pack of wolves (I'm not yet anywhere near proficient at firing from horseback) and skirting around a giant camp, I've lost my way. It's getting dark earlier than usual and I foresee myself trekking up to High Hrothgar in the dark and rain. I can't say I'm... excited. Perhaps I'll take the horse up with me this time, though at this point, I'll probably stay the night in Ivarstead and wake to find it has gone back to the Stormcloak camp.

-Thadan

 

It's evening now. I do think I will brave the mountain tonight, and rest when I return. I would like to begin the trek to Kynesgrove by daylight, and not waste another day at an Inn.

It's been quiet, here on my own today. I miss Lydia. I may stop by Whiterun and pick her up before I head after Delphine.

-Thadan

 

Ah, before I forget! There are many things I keep meaning to write down here, but I get distracted by- well, life, I suppose.

Currently, I am wearing the same leather armor I made in Riverwood, all crafted and improved to the best of my (meagre) ability. I am equipped with an Imperial bow I purchased in Solitude from the fletcher there, and a host of both scavenged and purchased arrows of many sorts (among them steel, iron, orsimer, and more). I had been wearing a leather helmet, also crafted by myself, but in Whiterun yesterday I bought a circlet that the storeowner informed me was enchanted to improve the power of my bow. It was rather expensive, but I've grown rather fond of it. The emeralds match my war paint, which I find whimsical.

I've also made great use of a travel lantern, also purchased in Whiterun. While Lydia is able to equip both her mace and a torch, my hands are usually both occupied with my bow, whenever I'm not clumsily clutching my emergency dagger and trying to use what little knowledge of magic that I know to heal myself. I've strapped it to my belt and it has been beyond useful.

Anyway. Back to scaling this gods-damned mountain. I believe I'm close.

-Thadan

 

Oh, gods. The frost troll. I'd nearly forgotten. It's still exactly where I saw it before. Shall I try to rid myself of it, or simply run past it again?

It is getting very dark, and moreso without my lantern - I refuse to risk it seeing me before I am ready. I suppose I shall run. I wish I had Lydia.

-Thadan

 

I have arrived at High Hrothgar unharmed, albeit out of breath.

I was able to sneak very close - as close as to hear its heaving, steaming breaths, and I may have imagined the stink of rotted meat and death that should accompany such sounds. It still did not see me, and all at once I stood from my crouch and began to sprint as quickly as my legs would allow. It followed, I could hear it lumbering after me on its stumpy legs and trunk-like arms, but I refused to look over my shoulder to see if it came close for fear of what I might see, and for fear of losing my momentum.

I sprinted the rest of the way up the steps, long after I was sure I was no longer being tailed. Better safe than sorry. Now I must wake Arngeir and give him this Horn, so I may attempt the trek back down to find a place to rest my head for the night.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201---

It has just passed midnight on the first day of Heartfire, and I am now "officially" the Dragonborn - or, at least, officially recognized as such by the Greybeards.

I woke Arngeir to give him the Horn, which he didn't seem too annoyed about. I have become almost nocturnal, I suppose - more than once I've had to wake a person of interest in order to continue with my task. Delphine, days ago, and the Jarl of Morthal both have woken up to my questioning voice in their bedchambers prior to now, and again neither seemed bothered. Delphine, I suppose, is just that tough of a woman. Indgrod seems to have seen so much over her lifetime, that nothing - even the tallest Bosmer to ever come out of Valenwood - can truly frighten her. Arngeir is similarly wizened, I suppose.

He announced my trials finished, and brought me into the central chamber, where the other Greybeards were gathered. I was taught "dah," the third and final word in Unrelenting Force. Then I stood in the center of the four of them and they Shouted at me, lines and lines of nonsense in the dragon tongue. Everything was spinning, the ground beneath my feet trembling and pitching like a ship at sea, and I nearly fell into unconsciousness or lost my supper, but as soon as it started it was over and Arngeir announced that I was truly Dragonborn. Part of me had been secretly hoping that perhaps this was a mistake - that, I don't know, there had to be some other explanation than some inborn ability I only discovered this late in my life, but I suppose I should accept my role.

I didn't understand much of what they said aside from "Dovahkiin," and "Ysmir," which I've heard many Nords say as if it's a god's name, though I'm not sure to whom it refers. Perhaps it is another name of that Nordic man-god, Talos? I don't know. I don't know many things about Skyrim, its inhabitants, or its cultures. Perhaps that is something I should remedy. If I find any relevant reading, I will take the time to indulge.

Now, back down the mountain and straight for the Ivarstead Inn. I am exhausted.

-Thadan

 

I've rented a room and I can feel myslef drifting off as I write, but before I go to bed I'd like to write a bit more.

I am growing awfully fond of Skyrim's many Inns. They all seem almost eerily similar, but instead of being frightening, I find the familiarity comforting. It's nice to know that at any Inn I can find a warm fire and comfortable bed for just ten gold. I am a little unsettled by the fact that the room I've rented already had an occupant - a woman is asleep in the other bed, her gold and a dagger strewn across the very table I'm writing on - but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. I will lay my head down and leave in a couple hours for the nearby barrow, which the Innkeeper says to be haunted. By nightfall I'll be back here to sleep, and I'll meet Delphine on the next day - tomorrow, I suppose. Staying up all night like this is muddling my sense of time. I feel like I've only been adventuring for a few days, but also like I've been in Skyrim for years.

-Thadan

 

I investigated the outside of the barrow and I've decided to leave it for another date. I realized - belatedly - that "barrow" reeks of draugrs, which I can certainly take on my own, but is a sort of enemy much more suited to Lydia and I working in tandem. I am off to Whiterun to pick her up, and if it's not too late in the evening, then to Kynesgrove. If not I'll stay the night at Breezehome.

-Thadan

 

I took a carriage from Ivarstead to Riverwood and - lo and behold! - the horse I borrowed from the Stormcloak camp was standing in the gate! I am a bit perplexed, but I- oh, and I've just realized the unintended play on words, but I don't indend to look a gift horse in the mouth, so to speak. I will arrive in Whiterun more quickly than I expected!

The carriage driver was Bosmer, and for a time we engaged in conversation of Valenwood. He's from much further south than I am, but it was nice to voice my concerns with regard to upholding the Green Pact outside of Valenwood.

"Brother," he said, a habit he no doubt picked up in this part of the world. I've only ever heard of the Nords refer to each other as such - sons and daughters of the land, brothers and sisters to their kinsmen. "I upheld the Pact for a full year upon arriving in Skyrim. The thing is, like that, I was an outcast - the Imperials do their best to tolerate our ways, but the Nords are never so kind. It was only once I gave up and tried to assimilate with the common folk that they were able to see me as a person, and not a barbarian. Besides," And he laughed here, warmly. "Meat out here is scarce, and too thick to eat on its own. Have you seen the deer? They move quick as lightning the moment they smell you on the wind."

"And what of the guilt?" I asked him. Memories of my days in Cyrodiil, unable to shoot a bow straight enough to hunt, came back unbidden. Memories of hunger and conflict between my soul and body, and of sickness once I gave in to my physical needs and allowed myself to take from the earth what was not mine to take. "And the sickness?"

"I refuse to feel guilty for living," he said. "And the sickness passes. The ways of Valenwood just aren't feasible this far north. The gods are merciful, not malicious. They understand."

We did lapse into silence for the rest of the ride. When we arrived, I gave him a venison steak I'd collected outside Ivarstead. He tried to refuse, but I insisted, and he took it with him when he left.

-Thadan

 

I've memorized the road between Riverwood and Whiterun, by this point. Nowhere else in Skyrim feels so much like home - not like Valenwood, but like a place where I belong. I feel safe, here.

I've made a beeline for Belethor's general store, and he's greeted me like an old friend. I'm grateful he'll allow me to catch my breath and warm up - just as I was pulling up to the stables with the horse, it began to pour down rain. I tried to stable the horse, but the moment I stepped off of it it began walking back toward Riverwood. I hope it'll be there again when I return, but I can always stop by the Stormcloak camp again. They don't seem to be using the horses for anything anyway.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 2nd, 4E 201---

I am convinced that Lydia never sleeps. When I went to bed last night she was sat at the table, holding a tankard of gods-know-what, and now that I've awoken she is in the exact same place, looking much the same as she did last night.

"You are ever my unchangeable rock, Lydia," I told her, and she jumped as if she had not heard me take the stairs.

She flushed, and glanced down at her tankard only to find it empty. "I- Sorry, my thane. I was just thinking."

"Right there? All night?"

"I think I dozed off for a couple hours, but yes," she said, blunt as a giant's club. I smiled at her, and clapped her on the shoulder.

"I hope that was enough. We are to fight a dragon today."

She stood, hurriedly, and nodded. "Of course, my thane. You lead and I shall follow." She paused. "How are you so sure we will find a dragon?"

"I'll explain on the walk," I said, and we left the home.

Now, I will drop by Belethor's - I discovered the last dragon's remains in my chest, and realized I'd forgotten to sell them - and then we're off for Kynesgrove.

-Thadan

 

We've been walking all day. A trio of drunken Nords gave me a bottle of mead and I shared in their revelling, if only for a moment. I happened upon Windhelm, the home of the Stormcloak rebellion, and met a Dunmer inside being harassed by her Nordic neighbors for her race alone. She told me this was a common occurrence, so I do dread spending the night there, but it's the nearest city to Kynesgrove, so that's where Lydia and I will be staying tonight.

Kynesgrove was a little more difficult to find than I had anticipated, and surely much further away, but we did arrive around mid-afternoon. I saw the dead Stormcloak guards before I saw the dragon - the same great black beast from Helgen, I was sure. Lydia and I followed its shadow up the mountain to a burial mound much like the ones I've seen before, the dragon-sized gentle hills of earth encircled by engraved stone. As I watched, the black dragon spoke in its dragon tongue and the creature buried there rose, flesh and scales as solid as they had been centuries ago. I didn't understand any of the ensuing conversation between the newborn and the black beast, save the word "Dovahkiin," which caught my attention as if it were my given name.

He - the black dragon - then spoke to me in the common tongue, scornfully as if it didn't deserve to pass his lips, about how arrogant I was to take the name of the "dovah" (the dragons, I suppose, if "kiin" means "kin") without understanding the tongue. I almost felt a wash of shame, but I caught myself, as there is no way for me to have learnt the dragon tongue before now and I do now think he simply meant to antagonise me. Eventually he did leave, and the newborn took to the skies to begin battling with myself and Lydia. Only then did Delphine appear, launching an arrow point-blank into its face before whipping out her blade.

With the three of us together, we made quick work of the dragon, and I gave the bones and scales I'd managed to scavenge off of it to Lydia. Delphine then approached me. "I suppose you have questions?"

She told me that she is part of an ancient organization called the Blades, dragonslayers sworn to the aid of the Dragonborn, and that they'd been looking for me - or someone like me - for a long, long time. She then said that our next step is to investigate the Thalmor, for some reason, as if mere mer could have the sort of influence necessary to resurrect dragons. I didn't argue, and I'm to meet her again in Riverwood to discuss it all.

So, all of this done with, Lydia and I started down the road toward Windhelm in the dark. As we walked I saw a woman walking in our direction crouch into a battle stance and pull a dagger - thought she meant to attack us, but then the ground shook under my feet as a dragon - ANOTHER dragon! - landed nearly on top of us. I ran backward to get space as the woman, who I assume died in the fight, and Lydia laid into it from up close.

As the fight continued we were joined by a handful of villagers from Kynesgrove and three Khajiit - two in armor, and one in a dress. I delivered the killing blow from afar and absorbed its soul, which is almost routine to me now, it feels. They all expressed various levels of awe at the display, made all the more dramatic in the dark of night. I then spoke to the Khajiit, and one of them told me about he was saved from prison by a benefactor who now requires he protect caravans as employment. I tried to speak to the other in armor - a tall, tabby thing with pierced ears and the same sort of steel armor Lydia wears, but he didn't have much to say. I've never before been... enticed by the more beastlike races (Khajiit, Argonian, Orsimer, I mean) before, but something about his demeanor was- I'm not sure. I'll stop myself before this gets lewd.

I've laden Lydia down with ever more dragon bones and we're off to Windhelm to stay the night. In the morning we'll sell our loot and begin the trek home, if nothing in town requires my attention.

-Thadan

 

Oh! I've just remembered and I knew I must write this now before I forget. The newborn dragon - his name was Sahloknir - introduced himself as such and referred to his "lord," Alduin. Perhaps that's the name of the black dragon? I shall refer to him as such for now.

-Thadan

 

I've just rented a room in the Windhelm Inn, after beating the daylights out of the drunken racist outside. He nearly didn't pay me the money I won in doing so. Bastard. And he had the gall to call me "friend" afterward, as if I were not an elf as much as the Dunmer he so despises.

 

I may not feel any kinship toward them, nor the Altmer, but I will defend any race against prejudice. "Mer" means "people," and if I have to teach that to a couple unruly Nords with my fists, I will.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 201---

It's nearly noon and we've only just left Windhelm. It was harder than I anticipated, finding the general store - it was a Dunmer standing behind a meat stall in the marketplace, which was a little confusing. Still, I've finally left. I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't much like the Nords, or at least the Stormcloaks. I admire their cause, sure, and their strength of will, but the prejudice and ignorance isn't for me. I'm not sure if I'll take up arms against them, though - I don't feel that strongly, and don't wish to alienate those Nords I've come to call my friends.

Outside the city, after fending off a pair of wolves, an Orc woman came down the road behind us. I tried to speak to her, but she (very rudely) called me a "milk-drinker" and told me that I should move along. I left her alone, but a part of me - a voice at the back of my mind that sounds awful brutish - thought that I could kill her. The moment the conversation (if it can be called that) was over, she turned her back on me - I could have planted an arrow in her back, and Lydia would have understood the symbol for what it was and charged. She could be dead right now, her armor looted and her gold taken.

That's not me. I'm not here to be selfish, or needlessly violent. I'm doing good work where I can, defending myself and others where I must, and taking only what won't be missed.

-Thadan

 

In the past hour or so I've been accosted by a lone assassin and a lone thief. The assassin had a note from the Dark Brotherhood - something I heard whispers about in Windhelm, but otherwise know nothing about. Part of me wants to head back and investigate, but I haven't yet so far. The thief seemed utterly random, however. Perhaps just a coincidence of timing.

I've come across a crossroads, and on the sign is one for Winterhold - yet another hold capital, and one I've not visited yet. I don't really have anywhere to be - I'm sure Delphine can wait - so maybe I'll make the detour?

No, perhaps not. I do so wish to head home. I don't want to meet with Delphine yet, but Whiterun-bound I shall remain. I will head for Winterhold on another date, I'm sure.

-Thadan

 

Happened upon a dwarven ruin littered with bandits. We cleared them out, but I've heard horror stories about the contraptions in those places, so I'll save it for later. I- and I think I felt this before, when I thought I would be seeing a dragon soon, but I sense the location of a word of power, I believe. Lydia looked at me a little funny when I told her, but she hasn't said anything. I passed a lonely Inn on the road, so we will head back there after we've finished.

-Thadan

 

My instincts were correct, but I feel like this isn't finished.

The dragon is dead. It wasn't difficult to kill, with Lydia drawing fire, as always, and myself launching volley after volley into the beast. It has died within the arms of the word wall, which feels- I've only seen a handful of them before, but this one feels more powerful than any other. When we approached, Lydia said once more, "I have a bad feeling about this." Her instincts are impeccable, and my own gut is twisting in unease, so I've elected to send her away for now. I will meet her at Breezehome when I've finished here.

Whatever horror awaits me, I intend to face it alone. Lydia is strong, but I appreciate her too much to make her go up against whatever I am about to witness.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Heartfire, 4th, 4E 201---

Gods, I've had a night.

My instincts were more right than I feared - as I approached the dragon's corpse, there was a great shaking of the mountain and an ornate stone coffin I hadn't noticed burst open, and from it levitated a man. Or, well, it resembled a draugr almost, and at first I believed it to be one (albeit a powerful one), but it continued to fly wingless about the mountain, shouting in an ancient tongue (was it dragon?) and pelting me with fire from its staff.

I knew I would never be able to take it on, so I- on impulse, I sprinted for the word wall and pressed myself against it so as to more quickly learn what it had to teach me, and the dragon's soul wrapped around me as I did so. I swallowed as many potions as I could reach as I was bathed in ancient knowledge, pure primal power, and literal fire, standing still and letting the words settle in my mind, the soul settle in my bones. And then I ran, sprinting as far as I could down the mountain, then began reaching for the stamina-boosting potions as I continued to run. I did manage to grab a handful of the dragon's scales as I left, but I was forced to leave the bones.

I managed to evade the- the being's grasp (and fire) and reached the bottom of the mountain, mostly unscathed, somehow. I started along the road, carefully, though I did have to sprint past the largest, palest sabre cat I've ever seen. I dealt with a pair of wolves with relative ease, as well as a trio of bandits soon after, though with the help of a fellow archer in the form of a guard.

I also- as I watched, a man dressed in some bizarre red and black... costume, I suppose, accosted me, shouting in a strange, warbling voice about his dead mother and a broken wagon. He introduced himself after a fashion as Cicero, and asked that I ask the nearby farmer to help him fix the wheel. I did so, and though the Cyrodiilic man seemed upset that I'd woken him and more so that I dare asked for his help, I was eventually able to convince him to help the poor man. Cicero gave me 400 gold in thanks and elected to wait in the dark, alone. With bandits and sabre cats about, I do doubt the man's sanity, but it was not for me to decide, I suppose.

I continued on, anxious beyond anything I've ever felt and far too rattled to check my map, in the vague direction of what I believed to be- perhaps the Inn from before? It resembled a mansion or castle high on a hill, windows glowing with warmth, but as I approached I recognized the Battle-Born farm - it was Dragonsreach, and I'd (somehow!) managed to end up nearly at Whiterun! I was shocked, but I ran nearly the whole rest of the way, my heavy pack and leaden limbs nearly forgotten in my excitement to be home. And I'd thought I'd not be here until tomorrow! Or, well, this afternoon. It's nearly dawn, I reckon.

Lydia still isn't home, but I hope to see her in the morning. Oh, I've just felt a surge of relief - if I hadn't sent her home, she no doubt would have engaged with the being from before. It seemed more powerful than anything I've ever seen, be it in Skyrim or in my lifetime, save perhaps that black dragon, Alduin. I will have to tell her about all this in the morning. I'm sure she won't appreciate the danger I put myself in.

Now, finally, I may rest. I believe I'll spend tomorrow in Whiterun for the most part, and may meet up with Delphine in Riverwood if I've the time.

-Thadan

 

I realized I had well over four thousand gold, so I intended to head to Dragonsreach and speak to Avenicci about furnishing Breezehome, finally, but I've been waiting here for hours and he's not here! No one seems to know where he is, and it's driving me up the wall! I even asked Lydia where he might be, and she told me that sometime he's just not here, with a shrug.

I wanted to go to Riverwood today, but I suppose I'll spend the day waiting about uselessly in the Jarl's throneroom.

-Thadan

 

I did find him, and furnished my house almost completely, and with thousands of gold to spare. I'm in Riverwood presently, and I met up with Delphine - she proposes I infiltrate the Thalmor embassy! I suppose I have no choice, and I guess I can put my sneaking abilities to the test. I've gotten rather good at it.

Both before and after speaking to Delphine, I spied a Nordic bard in the common room of the Inn, and I sat down to listen to his rendition of The Age of Aggression, a song I've grown to favor in my time in Skyrim thus far. He really does have a beautiful voice, and I tried to engage him in conversation - but the first subject he brought up was a conflict between him and another villager, an elf, over a local girl. There went my plans to perhaps get to know him better. Now he wants me to give the girl some vile, hateful letter he's written and pass it off as belonging to the elf. Spitefully, I want to ensure the girl and the elf find out about this snake's treachery. I'm also sort of upset that yet another attractive sir has turned from prospect to- well, not-a-prospect. He spat the word "elf" like a swear. I haven't the time for that.

I suppose it's my terrible taste. I know that Nords - especially young, blonde ones - are never going to be anything but hot-headed and crude. I suppose Lydia is companion enough, for now.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 5th, 4E 201---

After a night in the Inn, I met with the elf - he ALSO gave me a fake letter to give to this poor girl. Why I bother with men, I don't suppose I'll ever know. I just hope to the gods that I am never as selfish as the ones I keep meeting.

-Thadan

 

I gave the girl the letter from the elf (a fellow Bosmer, by the way! I'm ashamed by association!) and told her the truth about it. In the end I suppose I helped the damned Nord out, blast. I wish I could have convinced her to, perhaps, give up on men altogether - but I suppose that's just not possible. If it were, I may have done so long ago.

-Thadan

 

Lydia and I are leaving Riverwood. Delphine has sent us toward Solitude, and I just remembered that professor at the Bards' College there that asked me to retrieve her flute. I'll stop by and do that on my way north.

This detour will make an already long journey longer, but I suppose that's just my life now. I'm glad to have Lydia with me. Perhaps we'll take a carriage, for a change. It would be nice to stop running around for a day or two.

-Thadan

 

I was just thinking about the Bards' College, and that I keep forgetting that, officially, I am a bard. I don't think I've sang a word since arriving in Skyrim, though? I don't believe common practice for becoming a bard is fighting a crypt full of undead, to be honest. Perhaps I am more a- an honorary bard, than an actual songman. I don't think I know any songs in the common tongue anyway, though I've grown fond of The Age of Aggression and The Dragonborn Comes (though the latter may just be ego).

(Also, when I refer to the "common" tongue, I mean the Nordic one most common in Skyrim presently, and the one I am using currently. On a related note, I am glad I had the chance to begin learning this language in Cyrodiil - by the time I was in Helgen, I was proficient. By now I'm as fluent as I believe I am going to get.)

I just told Lydia this - about my trials for the College, and my bard status - and she expressed shock, then insisted I sing for her. I told her I couldn't, not- not in the common tongue, and I haven't spoken Bosmeris in months, nor have I sung in even longer. She continued to good-naturedly pester me, until I shushed her, having spotted an elk crossing the road. I sunk into a crouch, nocked a bow and drew back the string - only for the elk to startle, and sprint across the nearby river into the mountains.

A line of men - the first in robes, the second in rags, and the next two in gleaming gold armor - came up over the hill into my line of sight. I huffed and put away my bow and arrow, standing straight once more. I asked the first gold-clad man - a high elf, like the other armored man and, I presumed, the man in the robes - what was happening, and he informed me that the ragged Nord they were escorting was to be interrogated over the location of a cult of Talos. I tried to ask more, but he grew rapidly more annoyed and hateful, and cut off our conversation quickly. That was the second Thalmor Justiciar I've met thus far - the first was over a week ago, and wasn't nearly so rude - and I do believe I'll relish invading their embassy in the coming days. Prick.

-Thadan

 

Talsgar! Talsgar the Wanderer! That is his name - the man that told me first of the Bards' College! I've just chanced upon him once more, walking the snow-covered roads of the north. I'm so glad to have been reminded his name.

-Thadan

 

I'm not exactly sure where I am.

I have been on the road toward where I know the professor's flute to be hidden - but once I came very close, I got... distracted.

First I visited the nearby Imperial camp. They're not so generous with their horses, but I was able to take a handful of potions and use their alchemy station to make a few of my own. Next I began a short walk- or well, I believed it would be short, but I had seen a hulking shape in the nearby lake (ocean?) that resembled almost a man-made island, with great arches and statues erected around it.

I've never been this far north and I must admit, I'm curious about it all. I can hardly tell what time of day it is, and there are massive pale creatures seemingly of pure fat ("horkers," according to Lydia) that I keep seeing lumbering about, and so much snow and cold I can hardly stand it. I swam across the shallow yet deathly cold water to reach the island, which I still find baffling. What is its purpose? It's more irregular than I believed, but its sheer size has made me nervous and eager to be off. I think I see- a camp? Something glowing in the distance. I suppose I shall investigate.

I've taken to wearing my helmet, for once. My ears felt like they were damned close to falling clear off.

-Thadan

 

A shipwreck! Oh, gods, the ship is massive - the only person here at this camp, though, is an Argonian called Deekus, who refuses to speak with Lydia and I. He has a great many treasures just- just lying around, out in the open. I have to wonder how long he's been here, and how long he intends to stay. I cannot imagine living indefinitely in this horrible cold.

The ship is nearly entirely submerged, and all this camp has is a meagre cover, a sleeping roll, a cooking fire, and treasure - gold, precious stones, a small, golden statue of some goddess. I want to examine it all, but I fear that the Argonian won't take to kindly to my curiosity. I would help him if he'd only ask, but I suppose I am to leave him, for now.

(Again, I feel that brutish impulse to kill him and take his things - no one will know, and there is no one out here to miss him. I have come to believe that this is my newfound strength, tempered by the seemingly endless amount of blood on my hands since I began adventuring. I will leave this place as I found it, if only to appease my conscience. I do hope I will continue to be capable of fighting this part of myself - more frightening thus far than any monster I've faced has been the one I can feel growing in my heart.)

-Thadan

 

It's so early. It's nearly dawn and I've only just gotten to the destination cave.

I have since found a standing stone (veeery high on a cliff - nearly had a heart attack), a statue of who I can only assume is Tiber Septim accompanied by a shrine of Talos and a book on swordplay (as well as most of a human skeleton), another campsite, this one populated by a bare ribcage and a sad note whose recipient and sender are long forgotten by time, almost found another shipwreck (I'm sure of it!), and a lot more horkers and some wolves. I nearly lost Lydia no less than thrice. I'm ready to take a nap at the Imperial camp, then finish our walk to Solitude and get a good night's sleep at the Inn, but first - I believe there is a necromancer in this cave calling my name.

Not literally, of course. I doubt he knows I'm here. Gods, I'm tired.

-Thadan

PS: I've just noticed I wrote this on the wrong page. Damn. I'll re-label it later.

 

\---Heartfire, 6th, 4E 201---

The ice cavern has been fairly easy. All these necromancers seem to be students, which means they weren't much trouble. I've recovered the flute as well as a new Dwarven shield for Lydia, several enchanted items I will sell once I reach a town, and an artifact called "Meridia's Beacon." I know this because Meridia has just spoken unto me.

She sounded... irate. Her voice echoed as if in a large room, but only inside my head - Lydia didn't seem to hear a thing, so I will have to fill her in later. Meridia (whom I believe to be a goddess? or at least a powerful, ethereal being) has asked me to bring her beacon to Mount Kilkreath, where she says I will be rewarded.

The only reward I'd like right now would be a warm meal and a soft bed. I'm sick of all this gods-damned ice.

-Thadan

 

I've reached the Imperial camp. If they will allow, Lydia and I intend to sleep from now (late morning) until early tomorrow morning, when we'll continue on toward Solitude. It's damned cold out here, and the tents hardly protect us from the snow under the sleeping rolls, but I can't make myself care right now.

-Thadan

 

I've found myself in Dawnstar, another hold capital. Upon entering, the first guard I saw told me in passing that I arrived at a strange time - that the whole town seems to be having nightmares. Do I investigate, or keep moving?

I'm tired of adventuring. I think Lydia and I will continue on, for now.

-Thadan

 

After a while shopping, we are ready to leave Dawnstar, but first I wish to elaborate on a subject I forgot to, at the time, due to how much excitement was going on.

Three days ago - the night of the third of Heartfire - when I met the dragon and the strange undead being, I mentioned in my entry that I felt that the wall was more powerful than any other I'd yet seen. What I did not mention was the reason for this: the wall had THREE words of power! A full Shout in all its glory, laid out at my feet. I've yet to use it, and have only the souls available to access the first two words, but I learned their meanings to be "voice," "fool," and "far." I've heard of the trick of throwing one's voice, though I've never learned how it's done, and I suppose this is similar. A manner of confusing an distracting an opponent, likely, which will be very useful in the future!

The only Shout I've been using as of late is Unrelenting Force, though I have used Whirlwind Sprint once in a dungeon to evade a trap. I still don't feel entirely comfortable speaking in the dragon tongue and Shouting, but I suppose I should try to grow used to it. I am Dragonborn, after all.

-Thadan

 

I had only just left the apothecary - where I wrote the previous entry - when a dragon attacked the city! Luckily Dawnstar is full of veterans and guards, and with Lydia's and my help all of us were able to take it down in mere minutes. After I had absorbed its soul, a great mob of townspeople swarmed around me to express their awe - all I could think to do was nod to accept their praise, and then I took Lydia by the arm and dragged her behind me out of town. I don't mind being Dragonborn all that much, truly, but I am not fond of all the... attention.

I told Lydia this on the carriage ride to Solitude. "I am just a man," I said. "Not a myth, or a wonder to be gawked at. I contributed just as much, if not LESS to the fight as did anyone else there."

"If you had not been there," she said in response. "In a matter of hours, days, weeks - the dragon would have risen again to terrorize the town once more, or fly off to terrorize another. Delphine told you before - only you can truly kill dragons, in absorbing their souls."

"I never asked for this," I told her, and she rolled her eyes at my dramatics.

"I know you didn't, but it's your burden to bear," she said. She slapped my shoulder hard, perhaps harder than she meant. She is much stronger than she looks. "You said it yourself - you're a man. Act like one and quit whining."

I shoved her right back, though much more gently. "You know, you're as much their hero as I am. If not for you, I'd have died victim to some stray skeever by now. You should get as much recognition as I do."

"Any random guard could do for you what I do," she said, modestly, and I shook my head.

"I would have no one else at my side," I paused. "Do you think if you stood closer to me, next time we kill a dragon, we could pass you off as the Dragonborn in my stead?"

She laughed. "I haven't your presence, my thane. No one notices some plain Nord woman next to you.”

I shrugged, and tucked my helmet away, now that we weren't so far north. I ran a hand through my hair to straighten it out as much as I could, and Lydia traced the movement with her eyes. "I suppose you're right. It was worth a shot."

-Thadan

 

Solitude is much as I remember it. I do so like it here more than Whiterun, for some reason.

I traded away my looted goods and the Dawnguard dragon's remains, and gave the bard professor (whose name I never did bother to remember) her flute back. In return she taught me "a couple tricks" she learned from performing for mages - a wealth of knowledge for which I am thankful, even if I'm not sure I'll ever use it.

I met an Argonian outside the Inn just now who- I don't think he sees himself as a thief, but he was making an awful lot of talk about taking things that "won't be missed." I can't pretend to take any moral highground, however, because I have much the same mindset when I am looting through a dungeon with Lydia.

Still, I was apprehensive of whatever chore I was sure he'd give me - and give me he did. He asked that I extinguish the flame in the nearby lighthouse, so that an incoming shipment of Imperial weapons will run ashore. He said that he will ensure no one aboard would be hurt, and that I'd of course get a share of the loot but- I'm not sure. I'm not in the habit of taking from the living, or of lying for the sake of that taking. I'll mull his request over.

Now, I am about to speak to this Bosmer at Delphine's request - but, oh, I am not as well rested as nearly a full day of sleep should have made me, and I think Lydia and I will rent a room and speak to this fellow in the morning.

-Thadan

 

Another double bed - perhaps the innkeeper mistook Lydia and I for a couple. The moment he closed the door behind us, I noticed Lydia staring after him as if she wished to say something, her face slowly turning red.

"Are you alright?" I asked, and her head snapped around to look at me.

"I- no, my thane." She glanced at the bed, then at the table and chair I'm writing at now. "I suppose I'll take the chair again?"

"The bed's big enough," I said. "If you're willing to share." She knows already of my back injury, received as a younger man in Valenwood after falling out of a tree one too many times. I cannot sleep sitting up for the pain of it, and refuse to sleep anywhere but a bed, where I can find them.

"I- I don't know," she stammered. "Are you- are you p-propositioning me?"

I nearly choked on my own tongue. "No! Gods, no. I-" I laughed, and that seemed to almost hurt her feelings. "You're not my type, I assure you. I'll keep my hands to myself."

"'Not your type?'" she asked, already unstrapping her armor. "Is it because I'm a Nord?"

I shook my head. "No, because you're a woman."

She stared, her dark eyebrows climbing, then she cleared her throat and turned her attention back to her boots. Her cheeks seemed somehow pinker than before. "Oh," she said, and we've since lapsed into silence.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Heartfire, 8th, 4E 201---

I met with Malborn, the Bosmer Delphine asked me to meet, and I've given him my bow, most of my arrows, some potions, and my armor to sneak into the embassy. Now I feel exceptionally naked. Now I will go meet Delphine at the stables.

-Thadan

 

I feel more vulnerable now than I have in a long time, but I'm inside the embassy now. I suppose I should put this away until we're finished.

-Thadan

 

That was... simple enough.

I killed a handful of mages and guards, stole the information required of me, stuffed my pack with every scrap of food I could get my hands on (I haven't paid for a meal since coming to Skyrim, ha!), freed a prisoner from the Thalmor's dungeon, and ran from a frost troll. All in all, an eventful night. I did enjoy conversing with the rich partygoers - they seem more like caricatures than people, exaggerated and outrageous.

Once outside, I began walking down the road - adrenaline still pumping from the encounter with the troll - and saw in the distance a beam of light. As I approached, Meridia's voice spoke once more inside my head; I had accidentally located Mount Kilkreath, I suppose. She- the goddess, taking the form of an orb of light, took me high into the air as soon as I returned her beacon. It was terrifying, floating higher in the sky than any mortal was meant to ever be, but she cared not for my comfort - she demanded that I find yet another necromancer and retrieve an enchanted sword called Dawnbreaker, forged by the goddess herself for use against the undead. I suppose I will do so eventually, but for now I intend to head back toward Solitude.

Once Meridia put me down (none so gently, of course - she dropped me and I plummeted to the ground at her statue's feet, the world flashing white beneath me), Lydia found me, somehow - I'm not sure where she was waiting, but she just appeared at my side as though she was meant to be there. As though she never left.

It's late, and pouring rain. I can hardly wait to take a much-deserved rest.

-Thadan

 

I am almost exceptionally daft, sometimes.

For some reason I had it in my head that I had some idea of where Solitude was, and rather steadfastly led Lydia a very long ways in the opposite direction of the city. I've just corrected our path. It may very well be dawn when we arrive, blast.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 9th, 4E 201---

We elected to take a carriage to Whiterun instead, and slept on the way. It wasn't the most comfortable night's rest I've had, but we saved ourselves hours of walking, or hours wasted on a carriage awake and doing nothing.

I've just sent Lydia home, and I'm on my way to meet Delphine in Riverwood. That horse I borrowed from the Stormcloaks twice, the same one that somehow ended up in Riverwood that time, is standing outside the Whiterun stables - I'll ride it to Riverwood.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 10th, 4E 201---

At Riverwood, I retrieved the rest of my belongings from Delphine, sold many of them to the nearby shop, then loaded a local Nord boy down with my things to carry to Whiterun. We've only just deposited them in Breezehome, and then I sold what I didn't need at Belethor's. I sent Sven home.

On the way from Riverwood, Sven and I were accosted - another Dark Brotherhood assassin, and on his body I found a note with my name on it! This is the second one, so I intend to head to Windhelm and follow the only lead I have on the subject before someone gets hurt, myself or otherwise. Sven was nearly killed in the attack.

I think I will take this trek alone. If I feel I must, I can always take a carriage back here and pick up Lydia, but I feel like I'd do well with some time alone.

-Thadan

 

I purchased a horse from the stable outside Whiterun - a great, dark brown creature they call "Allie." I suppose I may rename her eventually, but the name works for now.

I've just arrived in Windhelm, and left her at the stables. Now to find out who wants me dead.

-Thadan

 

The child I'd heard about - Aventis Arentino - was performing the Black Sacrament in his empty house, over and over and over before I came. He mistook me for an assassin, and has sent me to kill some old woman in Riften. I've taken the "contract," if only because I'm not exactly sure what else to do in my pursuit of the Dark Brotherhood. I can only hope I'll be approached, and allowed to ask my questions. While I'm in Riften, I'll also persue that Esbern fellow Delphine asked me to seek out - the one the Thalmor are after.

I do so enjoy being out in the world like this - alone and on horseback, nothing but me, my beast, and the brisk open air of Skyrim.

-Thadan

 

I'm in Riften, and about to settle in for the night. A man called Brynjolf, who I am to ask about Esbern's location, attempted to drag me into some sceme of thievery and framing. I refused.

In the morning I will find and kill the old woman Aventus told me of, and if the next step in finding the Brotherhood is to take me out of Riften once more, I will follow up with Brynjolf and ask him about Esbern, finally. For now, though, I will rest after a long day of riding.

-Thadan


	2. Heartfire 11th - 24th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to note that this playthrough was my first time doing most of these side-quests. This was my second playthrough of the game, and in my first I rushed through the main questline + the Companions. I also never used fast travel.

\---Heartfire, 11th, 4E 201---

When I awoke, within the hour I had killed the old woman at Aventus's request - I snuck into the orphanage to find her lecturing the children on their lack of worth, and I couldn't bear to listen much longer, so I loosed an arrow into her chest. She died near instantly, and the children rejoiced. I suppose I should go tell Aventus that the deed is done once I am finished with my work in Riften.

I spoke once more to Brynjolf, and did the deed he asked, which was to steal a ring from one shopkeeper and plant it on another. I'm upset at putting my skills to such dishonorable work, but the damned Nord wouldn't speak to me otherwise. Now I'm in some system of tunnels under the city, known as the Ratway, making my way to a tavern Brynjolf says is down here. Thus far I've only met bandits and skeevers, but with nothing but his word, I suppose I have to trust it.

-Thadan

 

These Ratways are dark, damp, and reek of death and sewage - needless to say I've been more comfortable.

The Ragged Flagon was as somber as I suppose I'd have foreseen if I'd thought it existed at all. Brynjolf tried to give me another job as a thief, but also gave me information on where I can find Esbern. I'm ignoring the job and following the lead deep into the Ratway Warrens. I've since been accosted by a Khajiiti assassin working for the Thalmor, and several Thalmor guards and mages. I suppose they were closer to Esbern than we thought - I hope I can get to him before they do.

-Thadan

 

Luck was on my side, and I found Esbern with almost no trouble at all. We spoke, briefly, and he insisted that I escort him to Riverwood to see Delphine, so I suppose that is my next stop.

Once we left his room, we were attacked by a pair of Thalmor soldiers and a mage, as well as a man that had been locked in what looked like a jail cell nearby. I was nearly overwhelmed, but it seems that Esbern is a talented mage as he summoned a woman made of flame and stone who floated off the ground and set our enemies ablaze. She disappeared after the fight had ended. I asked Esbern, as we silently trekked back to the Flagon, what she was and he told me she is a "flame atronach." Nothing I've seen before, but similar to a creature I encountered in the wilderness once, though they were green and Lydia called them "Spriggans." Interesting.

Anyway, I suppose Esbern and I are now to leave Riften together.

-Thadan

 

We exited the Ratways to find it pitch-dark outside, and pouring rain. I had completely lost sense of time! It must be midnight.

I'll stay another night in the Inn. We can leave tomorrow.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 12th, 4E 201---

On the road to Riverwood, I've just passed a pair of priestesses and it reminded me of a purchase I made yesterday.

In Riften I came across a temple - the first one I've actually noticed, though I doubt it's the first I've seen. I mentioned before my interest in learning about Tamrielic religions (I've been collecting books on the subject since then) so, curiosity piqued, I stepped inside.

I spoke to the priest there, who told me I had entered a temple of Mara, the love goddess - she's fairly unanimous, I've learned, and I knew who he meant. He told me about how they, in Mara's name, help the needy and I donated a handful of coin to the cause. Then he mentioned wedding ceremonies, and I learned about how exactly marriage works in Skyrim.

It seems almost... loveless, truly, but all one must do is don an Amulet of Mara and, if someone is interested, they will approach and the two can be married if they so desire. I now almost regret doing so, but I purchased such an amulet for 200 coin. I haven't taken to wearing it yet, and I'm not sure if I will. It seems almost silly, almost embarrassing. I will hold onto it, however. Just in case.

-Thadan

 

I've arrived in Riverwood in the most sour of moods. I don't wish to dwell long on it, so I'll just say that the road from Riften to Riverwood is hellish, and I have no wish to ever travel it again. Bandits, mercenaries, wolves, bears, ANOTHER Dark Brotherhood assassin - I'm damned sick of it, and my arms are sore.

It's nearly midnight, but I've decided to wait until I arrive in Whiterun to rest. It's not that far, and I wish to sleep in my own bed.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  


\---Heartfire, 13th, 4E 201---

It's about mid-late morning, and I am about to leave once more for Windhelm. I've spent the day thus far outfitting Lydia with Dwarven everything - I looted the armor, boots, and helmet off of a mercenary that attacked me on the way from Riften, bought the gauntlets from Adrianne Avenicci, and the enchanted mace from Eorlund Grey-Mane. She already had the shield, and now looks utterly terrifying. I don't much care for the helmet, as it hides her face, but safety takes utmost importance. It is weird speaking to what appears to be an automaton, but I suppose I will grow used to it.

I believe I will take her with me, and we'll take a carriage - she and her armor weigh much to much to ride on Allie with me.

-Thadan

 

Also! Gods, I can't believe I forgot to say this last night, but Delphine and Esbern have gone on to find something called "Alduin's Wall." I was right about the black dragon's name.

I am hoping I can meet up with them near Markarth once I've finished this Dark Brotherhood business. Three attempted assassinations can't be a coincidence.

-Thadan

 

We arrived in Windhelm late. I was approached before I even reached the doors by a courier, with a note from someone called Calcelmo, in Markarth. He has somehow caught word that I purchased that enchanted Dwarven mace, and has requested that I bring it to him for his research. I suppose I'll go. I can always find another Dwarven mace, somewhere, and the steel was doing her just fine.

Almost the moment the courier left me be, a dragon attacked. Lydia, several guards, the horses at the stables, and I all participated in its defeat. The horses were particularly frightening.

Now, we'll stay the night in the Inn and then speak to Aventus in the morning, then leave for Markarth if I have no further Dark Brotherhood leads. I have two reasons now to visit that city.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 14th, 4E 201---

I spoke to Aventus, and his gratitude breaks my heart. What is to become of him now? Will he still go to that orphanage, after the death of that awful old crone? And what of the other children? Perhaps this wasn't a wise plan.

Lydia and I are taking the carriage to Rorikstead, and we'll walk to Markarth from there. All this carriage and horse riding is making me restless - I miss the long walks.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 15th, 4E 201---

The ride was... much longer than anticipated. It's past midnight, but due to saving energy by taking the carriage and taking a nap on the ride, Lydia and I have decided to continue on to Markarth. I hope to arrive by dawn.

-Thadan

 

The damned moment I put my journal away, I heard Shouting - I looked to the sky and Alduin was circling, his dark silhouette unmistakable. I rushed to the top of the nearby hill just in him to see a dragon's skeleton dragging itself out of the dirt, flesh materialising and frost on its breath. Lydia and I were able to take it out rather quickly, and it only took to the sky once. It died lying halfway in its grave.

-Thadan

 

I'm not exactly sure who these "Forsworn" are, but they seem about as effective as the common bandit, only a bit more... feral.

I was approached by another courier. He couldn't tell me who sent the note, just that he was "creepy" and wore black robes, hiding his face. The note has upon it only a handprint, and the words "We know." Needless to say, I am effectively terrified. Is this the Brotherhood, or something else?

It's well past dawn and we still haven't reached Markarth. Well, I did say I missed these long walks.

-Thadan

 

Markarth is a Dwarven ruin, stuck into the side of the mountain as if it had come to be naturally, carved into stone by rain and wind. Calcelmo is apparently the foremost scholar on the Dwemer, and that is why he wished to own the Dwarven mace. I ultimately did not sell it to him - he offered me less than 400 coin, and I paid well over 1000.

Still, I bought a couple grand soul gems from him and was able to enchant all my armor while I was there. Now I'm off to speak with a local man, who slipped me a note upon entering the city - see, the moment I stepped over the threshold I witnessed a man murder an innocent woman in the marketplace, shouting about the Forsworn. He was taken down by guards, and I suppose the man who thereafter slipped me a note wishes to speak to me about it.

It seems I veritably attract trouble. Ah, well. I suppose this is my life now.

-Thadan

 

I haven't much to say. I uncovered some sort of conspiracy involving the Markarth guards, a member of the government, and the Forsworn. I have had to kill more people I thought innocent that I'd have liked.

The man who helped me was a native to the region. His name was Eltrys. I've just discovered his body. No one would have uncovered this without him, so I am saving his name here - there is no one else alive who will remember it, so I will do so for him.

I'm tired - alas, 'tis nearly midnight. Still, I can't stay in Markarth. No doubt I've accrued a bounty. Lydia and I will leave the city at once. She seems as distraught as I am.

We've both grown accustomed to trusting the guards - they've helped us fight bandits, wolves, dragons - so I believe having to kill them has taken a toll. They were going to take me to prison, and I cannot solve this dragon crisis behind bars. Even if I went quietly with them, I would have to get out eventually. How many would I have had to kill that way?

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 16th, 4E 201---

Things got worse, after my last entry.

The moment I stepped foot outside the Shrine of Talos, where Lydia and I killed the guards, I was arrested. I suppose only I was framed for the previous murders - long story - and only I was locked away in Cidhna Mine, apparently the most secure prison in all of Tamriel.

Inside, I did a lot. I beat up a huge Orsimer called "the Beast" so I could speak to the Forsworn king, who then said he'd help me escape if I murdered a thief. I did, because I felt I had no other choice and the man was serving a life sentence anyway, and with that we all broke out through a Dwarven tunnel into the city. Forsworn and city guards clashed with steel and arrows and magic, and Lydia and I left the city.

I was then approached by a guard, who expected me to pay my bounty for killing the man who had made the deal with the Forsworn king in the first place and who I consider the one to blame. It was just 40 coin, though, so I paid it and left.

Now, I suppose I'm off to find Delphine and Esbern, unless something else distracts us. I have too much adrenaline flowing to rest.

-Thadan

 

I must be quick, as Delphine is annoyed at my taking this time to write.

Karthspire was very near a Forsworn camp, and it seems my acquaintance with their king hasn't warmed them to me in the slightest - the four of us (Delphine and Esbern, who were waiting near the temple, Lydia, and I) cleared out the camp with relative ease.

Then, as I was not surprised to see, a dragon appeared.

One of the biggest I've seen, with some sort of strange head crest and a paddle-like tail. I need to get better at leading my shots, as I've mostly been getting by with shooting straight in front of me at full strength and hoping for the best as my method of overcoming my lack of depth perception. That does not work with moving targets, be they deer or dragons. I feel like a teenager all over again, hands uneasy on a bow, despite my apparent growth.

Now, we're inside the spire, and just about to enter the temple. I've had to navigate a couple traps, my newfound posse at my heels, and just now I sliced open my bow hand in order to activate a blood seal in the floor (some ancient technology I don't understand - I've been trying to listen to Esbern's explanations but they all sound like nonsense to me). A great face carved in relief on the wall slid back, and the group all stared in awe as it did.

Delphine has given me the honor of going first. I'm nervous, but I suppose I must don a brave face. After all, I am the Dragonborn. I am meant to be here.

-Thadan

 

Delphine and Esbern have decided to set up the Blades' new headquarters in the temple. It's enormous, a giant room carved out of stone with a great wall on one side covered in illustrations. Esbern walked us through them, detailing what he knew of the ancients' dragonlore. Apparently, last time Alduin was vanquished, it was done using a Shout - though what Shout it was remains to be seen. I will head back to High Hrothgar soon to ask about it.

On the walk here from Markarth, I was sidetracked by a side road and happened upon an Orsimer stronghold. I tried to approach, but I was turned away, as I am not an Orsimer. I was ready to leave, but the guard mentioned something about becoming Blood-Kin, and thus being allowed to consort with the Orsimer. I asked how I would do so, and he mentioned a pair of gauntlets called the Forger's Fingers, located north of here. I've decided to fetch them and head back there tomorrow. Another long walk to look forward to.

For now, Lydia and I are staying in the Forsworn camp toward the mouth of the Karthspire cave - the leader had a bed, and there's a couple roaring campfires surrounded by sleeping rolls for Lydia to choose from. I realize now I haven't slept in two days, and it's all catching up with me.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 17th, 4E 201---

It's past midnight and I'm very angry to be awake.

I've found the Dark Brotherhood - or, rather, they've found me. I awoke just now, head swimming, in an unfamiliar room that reeked of blood. There was a sound like labored breathing of multiple people behind me, and in front of me was a woman in dark assassin's clothes, perched atop a bookshelf. She was Astrid, the woman who's been signing all those other assassins' notes to kill me! She was apparently upset that I'd killed Grelod the Kind, the old woman in Riften, and wanted me to kill another - she had three people bound and blinded behind me. I was to figure out which one had a contract out for their life, and kill them.

A Nord mercenary, scared out of his mind and pitiful. A Cyrodiilic woman, shrill and angry but a danger to no one. A Khajiiti criminal, who spoke of assassination attempts as daily occurrences and spoke casually of murder, thievery, and rape.

I killed the latter. Astrid let me go, but not without an invitation - I am now welcome to join the Dark Brotherhood. I... I don't relish killing as an assassin must, but I have to admit... I am getting good at it, and colder to the feeling. How many have died at my hands since I came to Skyrim? How many more will do so by the time I- leave? die?

Whatever. Lydia has just found me, somehow, and says we're a ways in between Morthal and Solitude. I suppose I'll head for one, and go back to Rorikstead - I said I'd get those gods-damned gauntlets for the Orcs, and by Y'ffre, I am going to very well do so.

-Thadan

 

We're staying the night in Morthal. Since I delivered a letter from her daughter to a priestess in Whiterun, I'm now qualified to become thane of this hold - I visited the Jarl and told her, and she gave me an enchanted blade as a reward. In the morning I will deliver a note from the priestess to the Jarl's daughter, and then Lydia and I will take the carriage to Rorikstead, or Markarth. Whichever. It doesn't matter.

Another double bed, but I think both Lydia and I are too tired to have the conversation again.

-Thadan

 

We've arrived in Rorikstead and it's around the time I'd usually go to bed - late in the evening but not yet fully dark. Allie is still here after following our carriage from Whiterun to Windhelm, then from Windhelm here - I thanked the carriage driver here profusely for taking care of her. I've elected to take her with us to get the gauntlets, as it's not that far. I won't make her gallop the whole way, as to not leave Lydia in our dust, but I do think we'll save a lot of time like this.

I hope to be back at the Orsimer stronghold tonight, then Lydia and I will take a carriage back to Whiterun. Once we're back, and after I've had a day to deal with all my looted goods from the last couple days, I will head up to High Hrothgar to speak with the Greybeards once more.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 18th, 4E 201---

Cleared the dungeon fairly easily - nothing but enchanted spiders and an eccentric mage. I then sensed a word wall, and took out its dragon guardian. I believe the word to mean "air," and I spent the dragon's soul to unlock its knowledge.

Now, to the Orsimer stronghold and then back to Whiterun.

-Thadan

 

I am now deeply honored to call myself Blood-Kin to the Orcs. I'm not sure why, but merely being allowed to go freely where others haven't earned the honor has filled me with something like pride.

I intend to spend some time here, then we will be gone.

-Thadan

 

I met an Orsimer just now, well into his prime and strong, more sturdily built than any other man I've met thus far in Skyrim. He was training against a dummy in the stronghold's main courtyard, swinging a steel war axe with a grace I've seldom seen in men. I approached him and we began to talk.

His name is Ghorbash the Iron Hand, a strong name if I've ever heard one, and he told me of how he, too, used to adventure before he found himself settling almost against his will at the stronghold. I asked him why he didn't just leave, and he said he couldn't just run about "like a pup," causeless and seeking trouble.

I understand that - I find it hard to justify my curiosity when I try to do so, here on the page. Often I don't know why I search out the things I do, run errands for strangers and take down beasts I could easily avoid and engage others in conversations, brawls, conquests. So I told him - "I am the Dragonborn. I am on many a mighty quest," (though some are decidedly less so) "and perhaps I could use your sort of assistance. Journey with me, adventure with me, and perhaps you can find once more the excitement you seek."

He seemed nervous, almost, and tried to back out, but I repeated his words back to him - that he missed adventuring - and he acquiesced, thanking me for my persistence. He is to return to Whiterun with Lydia and I.

There are multiple people who have pledged themselves to me, promised me their aid and their steel - Benor and Sven among them - but I had before been reluctant to bring them along. Perhaps I thought them weak, especially compared to the Dwarven-clad powerhouse Lydia has become, but Ghorbash seems... different. Stronger, at the very least in spirit. I believe he will become an indispensible part of our team, and I look forward to the adventures we will have together.

-Thadan

 

It is very nearly dawn, and I am exhausted. The carriage ride was long - Lydia dozed for most of it, leaving me just Ghorbash for company. I leant him a set of armor I looted from the Blades' new hideout, just to wear until I could get him something that fit better. He didn't complain - he seems to be aiming for respectful, or at the very least thankful - but I could tell he didn't like the way it felt. I suppose he is a light armor man, like myself. I'm sure I have enough leather lying around to make him a set like mine. I also gave him a sword I found in the same place that Delphine had called "Dragonbane." Again, temporary until I get him something more suitable - he seems a fan of war axes, and of archery, so I must get him a bow.

We talked a lot, and were silent a lot. We haven't the easy camaraderie Lydia and I share, though of course I've known Lydia longer. With time I hope we can be friends. Still, we exchanged stories of battles and I filled him in the best I could on my journey so far, especially as Dragonborn. I flipped through this journal quite a bit in order to remember important bits, and he seemed bewildered by just how much I write.

"So, what, you sit down in dungeons - surrounded by men and creatures you've just killed with just your bow - and write?" he asked, as though this was completely ridiculous.

I suppose he isn't exactly wrong. "Yes," I admitted. "I once sat on dragon bones to write an entry." I regret not writing down that detail at the time, as I now can't remember which one, so I couldn't share it with him.

He laughed - a low, warm sound that I instantly loved. "You're a strange one, Oakwind," he said, clapping a wide hand on my shoulder, and left it at that.

-Thadan

PS: I've just noticed that I, once again, wrote this entry on the wrong date. Ah, well. Whatever.

 

\---Heartfire, 20th, 4E 201---

Ghorbash and I are heading out to High Hrothgar, giving Lydia some time to rest.

-Thadan

 

I left Ghorbash at the local Inn and asked him to get us a room - we arrived at Ivarstead later than I'd thought and he's looking a little worse for wear. I couldn't tell if he looked relieved or disappointed.

The walk up was one of the most treacherous thus far - the typical wolves were absent, replaced by a snowy sabre cat and some sort of spirit of ice. I ran from both, and once more avoided the troll. Maybe one day I'll bring Lydia up here - she, of all people, I could see killing the troll.

I'm not sure what time it is, the sky clouded over and pouring rain, but by my exhaustion I believe it is about to be mid-evening. I will definitely be back to Ghorbash in time, as long as this doesn't take long.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 21st, 4E 201---

It has been all night, but I am finally about to leave High Hrothgar. It is very nearly dawn.

I've learned two Shouts on this visit - Clear Skies, which I had to use to clear away the deadly wind and mist that blankets the peak of the mountain, and Fire Breath, which I learned from the leader of the Greybeards, Paarthunax, himself.

He is an elderly dragon, scales the color of bone and with dark eyes like insects, and spoke so long I've come to believe he merely likes the sound of his own voice. I have a lot of new knowledge, such that it would take me too long to describe in detail, so I will simply list what I now know.

> -All three words of Clear Skies
> 
> -The first word of Fire Breath, which I have heard many dragons use - "yol"
> 
> -The Shout I seek is called Dragonrend; created by mortals to make dragons experience temporary mortality. The knowledge of this Shout is lost.
> 
> -Alduin was not truly defeated last time he attacked, but was instead sent forward in time by the creators of Dragonrend using an Elder Scroll. I've never heard of such a thing, but hearing the words spoken - it resonated within me like déja vu, as if I had heard them before.
> 
> -I am now to visit the mages at the College of Winterhold, as they are of the ilk to gossip about such "blasphemous" (Arngeir's words) things. Using the Elder Scroll, Paarthunax believes I can glimpse the past and through it learn Dragonrend, so I can myself defeat Alduin.

I am exhausted, and so much do not wish to make the journey back down the mountain, but I must see Ghorbash and let him know I am alright. I am very late.

-Thadan

 

It's just past dawn and I've just arrived back in Ivarstead. I feel ill, the joints in my arms especially stiff, and I've received passing comments from the townsfolk on my appearance. I must be off to Whiterun soon, so I may use the shrine of Talos behind the shouting priest - it has helped me with this feeling before.

I stumbled into the Inn, my instability half exhaustion and half illness, and I approached the innkeeper. He opened his mouth to make a comment, no doubt on my wayward appearance, and I raised a hand to stop him. "Where is Ghorbash?" I asked.

"What?” he asked. "I don't-"

"Oakwind!"

Ghorbash shouted, far too loudly for the morning and I winced. He stomped out of a side room and took me by one shoulder, turning me to face him. I noticed a headache at the not-so-gentle movement and winced once more. "There you are," I said, perhaps deliriously.

"What in Malacath's name happened up there?" he asked, dragging me back to the room where he shoved me toward one of the two beds. I fell to it thankfully, holding my head in my hands.

"Not so loud, could you?" I may have whimpered, and he visibly softened, sitting on the opposite bed. I looked up at him and he was watching me expectantly.

Instead of answering, I dropped my pack on the floor and dug through to find this journal and hand it to him. "I wrote the most recent entry before I left."

I watched him read, and belatedly realized I hadn't asked if he could. Still, it didn't seem a problem, and he read for a while and- and started flipping through it. I reached out for him to hand it back, and he didn't.

"How long do you intend to rest?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I may try to rest for the day, and we can go back to Whiterun this evening."

He nodded, slowly, reading. He snorted with laughter (at something I wrote?) and I felt the fever flush in my cheeks grow darker.

"'He laughed - a low, warm sound I instantly loved,'" he read aloud.

"That's private," I said, gesturing with my outstretched hand.

"Why write it if no one can read it?" he asked. "Go to sleep."

"I write to keep a record, to aid my memory," I said, frowning. "So many people ask me to do things, I'll no doubt forget them all if I don't write them down. Hand it back."

"If it's just an errand log, why can't I take a look? Is there something in here you want to hide from me?"

"Ghorbash, I barely know you, and that journal contains some of my most private thoughts. Such as those about your gods-damned laugh, yes. That's example enough that it's not for your eyes."

He stared, and I couldn't help but admire the construction of his face. He's- and now that he's been through this journal I'm almost embarrassed to go into the details, but I cannot help myself. He's handsome, brow strong and furrowed and nose wrinkled in a perpetual grimace, eyes intense and light. The animal jut of his jaw and the points of his pale tusks seem as though maybe they should be beastlike, but merely add to the gruff strength of his demeanor. His head is shaved bare, a shadow where his dark hair should grow and a braid at the apex of his skull.

He handed the journal back to me, and I noted the ring on his finger - enchanted to improve the power of a bow, like mine - and the scars on his fingers, on the back of his wrist. I set the book down on the bed, drew my quill and ink out from my pack, and wrote this entry.

"This is a long one," he's just said. "Are you transcribing our conversation? Are you writing this right now?"

I nodded.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 22nd, 4E 201---

We arrived in Whiterun past midnight last night, myself dozing most of the ride. I left Ghorbash in Breezehome, used the Shrine of Talos, and came back to sleep for another several hours. I am feeling considerably better.

Now, I am to visit Farengar to see if I can come into possession of a spell that can heal others. Ghorbash seems reluctant to heal himself when wounded, and I'm nervous that he will continue the pattern in battle. I tried at first to give him a store of healing potions, but he hasn't used them, and he still seems as hurt as he was yesterday.

-Thadan

 

Got the spell, called Healing Hands, and was able to heal his wounds. Next I bought a Dwarven bow from Adrianne Avenicci, as I learned that it fires as easily as my Imperial bow but is a great deal more powerful.

Somehow, a whole day has passed. I haven't yet decided what we're doing tomorrow - I'm not exceptionally keen on heading up to Winterhold just yet, so perhaps I will follow up on one of my smaller tasks. I'll consult with Lydia and Ghorbash and see what interests them.

-Thadan

 

We sat together around the fire, myself going through my journal and finding the errands I've yet to do and the others asking for details, debating their merits. A couple of them stood out, of course - the search for Meridia's Dawnbreaker seems interesting, Lydia seems bent visiting the College of Winterhold to ask about the Elder Scroll, and Ghorbash insists we head to Riften so I can take up Astrid's invitation to join the Dark Brotherhood - but we found ourselves at a standstill. I'm not eager to do either of their suggestions, and we all feel a little uneasy following the orders of a Daedric Prince.

"Perhaps we could join the Companions?" Lydia suggested. "Eorlund Grey-Mane has been a great help to us."

"The Companions?" I asked. I'd heard the name, but I didn't know what exactly sure what they were.

"A legendary band of warriors, based out of Jorrvaskr, their mead hall," she said. "We pass it every time we visit Grey-Mane's forge. Have you not been inside?"

I shook my head. I hadn't ever thought to.

"I suppose we could check it out. They're here in town?" Lydia nodded. "We can speak to them in the morning. If Ghorbash is interested?" I turned to him.

He shrugged. "You had be at 'band of warriors.' Or was it 'mead hall?'" I laughed, and Lydia smiled. He grinned too, humor pulling his lips high and exposing his jagged teeth. I do like it when he smiles, and I felt warmed, as though the fire was burning from inside my chest instead of in the pit at my feet.

Er. I don't want to think about that anymore. This doesn't need to get complicated.

Now, bed. Tomorrow, Jorrvaskr, and whatever the Companions have in store for us.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 23rd, 4E 201---

The Companions' de facto leader, Kodlak Whitemane (of no relation to the Grey-Manes?) accepted us eagerly, after we were put to the test of a short spar with a Nord called Vilkas, a fellow Companion. After a few short errands, Vilkas's brother Farkas gave us our first task - clearing out a nearby bandit camp. I don't imagine it'll be very difficult.

-Thadan

 

I was right. We cleared out the bandits and looted the place in just about an hour. With the three of us working in tandem, we're unstoppable.

We spent the day at Jorrvaskr, exploring and speaking with the Companions and training around back on the dummies and targets. Around sundown Farkas came to us and told me that Skjor was looking for us, and when we found him he told us that we were to find a fragment of Wuuthrad, as our Trial. They don't typically try new recruits in such groups, but I suppose we're an exception in that we all came together. Farkas is to be our "Shield-Brother" and watch us complete the quest, to ensure we are honorable.

I asked Farkas about Wuuthrad after we'd finished speaking with Skjor, and he said that it is the legendary battleaxe of Ysgramor, the founder of the Companions who came from the "ancient homeland" and "killed all the elves." I don't think he realized that I am an elf, by his tone, but he seems to have a reputation for... dimness. I let it go.

We're heading back to Breezehome for the night, and we'll set out for Dustman's Cairn in the morning.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 24th, 4E 201---

It's midnight, and I've just gotten home. Once the others had gone to sleep - Lydia in her small upstairs bedroom, Ghorbash in the small, undecorated, hay-strewn area behind the stairs that he's claimed while he stays here - I snuck out to practice with the targets and dummies behind Jorrvaskr once more. If I had known they were back there, I would have utilized them more before. I experimented with the tautness of this new bow and with varying distances, trying once more to work with my depth perception. I know I can never get it back, no matter how hard I practice - my eye is ruined, and there's no healing it - but I think, if I can perfect my aim and learn to gauge things' distances by comparing relative height, I can perhaps compensate? Maybe that's nonsense. I feel like I made a little progress, though.

When I got home, I was as careful with the door as I could be and entered silently. I hung my bow on the weapon rack next to my old Imperial one, and slung my quiver over the side. I had just pulled off my helmet when I heard-

"Where have you been?"

I winced, like a child caught out past curfew. "Why are you awake?"

Ghorbash grunted, crossing his arms. "I can hear Lydia snoring through the floor. Now answer my question."

"Just practicing with the new bow," I said, brushing my fingers over its gleaming golden surface. There's nothing quite like Dwarven metal. "Out behind Jorrvaskr."

"You've been an archer all your life - do you really need to practice?"

I shrugged. "I've only been decent again in the past few weeks. I- You see my eye, right?" He nodded. "I have no depth - that is, I have trouble knowing how far things are from me. It's not exactly... conducive to expert archery."

"I've heard of that," he said, and sat by the fire. I took the other seat. "What happened to your eye?"

I suppose I haven't spoken of my time before leaving Valenwood in this journal, and now is as good a time as any.

I've lived in Malabal Tor my entire life - the northwest of Valenwood, bordering Cyrodiil. I grew up not in Falinesti, which seems to be the only graht-oak city anyone outside of Valenwood knows the name up, but in another large graht-oak called Minulain. I and several of my childhood peers and friends were career hunters, which is a much more prestigious profession there due to the Green Pact made with Y'ffre, which doesn't allow any Bosmer to eat vegetation of any sort, or kill any plant life. Most Bosmer outside of Valenwood have had to break the Pact due to necessity, I've discovered, but everyone I ever knew in Valenwood never even thought of it. We grew up eating only meat, fish, and insects.

I was well known in Minulain for my impeccable aim and strength - I could wield the heaviest bone bows that others struggled with, and wield specially made ones that could be up to twice the size of the ones my peers used due to my height alone. It was said I could take out a bird flying a mile above Minulain's highest branches, or I could assassinate the King when Falinesti passed us by and I only didn't because I was too good.

Needless to say, I had quite a reputation and was set on making my living as a hunter. Our hunting party was famous if only because I was in it, and working together we could take out whole herds of beasts in a single volley. We'd often do business with Altmer, Cyrodiils, and the few Khajiit caravans that passed into Valenwood. I learned Cyrodiilic to keep up with the trade, as it was a common enough tongue that if someone couldn't speak Bosmeri, they could often speak enough words of Cyrodiilic to get their point across.

Then, of course, my eye. It was- perhaps a year ago? Less? I can hardly remember the exact date, as I left all but my most recent journal when I left Valenwood, and that was taken when I arrived in Skyrim.

Anyway, my closest friends - a brother and sister pair called Synar and Falaen Shadywood - as well as my brother, Valas, and I decided to take a trip to Grahtwood, the furthest south any of us had ever been. We intended to collect as much hide and meat from a rare sort of big cat that is unique to the region. Deadly quiet and lithe, with dark fur and razor-sharp claws, unlike the brutish bulk of the sabre cats I've met up north. We searched for days, sweating through our clothes in the humidity whenever it wasn't raining.Unfamiliar terrain, different climate, a strange prey - I should have had the foresight to know that things wouldn't go as I hoped.

We bagged a couple of the creatures, their black-furred hides reflecting green and violet in certain light, and their meat a sort of sick-sweet that only carnivores' is. It took the four of us coordinating to take them down, one at a time, and by the end of the week we had eight skins and several packs of meat and bone and claws.

I proposed we stay another week, though we were all tired and ready to leave. Synar refused outright and left, but Valas stayed, as brothers do. I was surprised that Falaen decided to stay with us, but grateful that she did. Perhaps we could manage if we were down just one person - besides, I was there. I was more than confident- no, overconfident. I could fill the hold Synar left, easy.

We cornered a beast that night, its maw dripping blood and buried in the carcass of a docile Valenwood doe. Falaen and Valas took point closer to the beast, one to my right and the other to my left, as their bows weren't as strong as my own due to their smaller statures. I was further away and in the center, arrow nocked in my favorite bone bow, and I began drawing it back. The others were watching me, and at that signal they did the same, then turned to watch me again.

I didn't signal for them to fire - I forgot to, that had been up to Synar before as he was the smallest and as such was the closest to the beast, best able to judge when to strike. I forgot to signal them and I loosed my arrow, nailing the cat in the flank.

It startled, then sprung to its feet, already sprinting in our direction. Falaen went deadly quiet, ducking out of sight and dashing up the tree she'd been using as cover. Valas panicked, loosing his arrow into the beast - distracting it from following the path of the first arrow, toward me, and drawing its attention onto him. It pounced, seeming to fly over the underbrush and tackled my brother to the ground. He screamed, lashing out with the seldom-used dagger at his hip, until the beast buried its face in his throat and tore it straight out, cutting him off and killing him.

I scrambled to my feet, drawing back another arrow and striking the cat once more as it started to- to eat Valas. Its gaze snapped to me and I fumbled with my quiver, trying to nock another arrow.

It sprinted toward me once more, pouncing just as I loosed the arrow into its chest. I heard another arrow fly through the air and catch the beast in its head, but not before it had lashed out with its claws, drawing one paw down the left side of my chest, completely slicing through my leathers, and the other catching on my face. The one on my face didn't cut nearly so deep but for the middle claw, which lodged in my eye and tore a path down my cheek. I tasted blood and I screamed, the dead cat's weight pushing me onto my back and landing on top of me. I shouted for Valas, and shoved the damned thing off of me. The moment I was on my feet there was a hand around my mouth, silencing me. It was Falaen, hissing out something about- about shutting up, about arrogance, about my being a gods-damned idiot.

She tore our arrows out of the beast and set about skinning it, and collecting the meat. I went over to Valas's body and- and I took his pack and his bow, but left him his dagger. I decided to leave him for the wildlife - I knew if I took him home, I'd likely have to- to butcher him, and either eat him myself or sell him off. I couldn't stomach it. Not my brother, Pact be damned.

I shouldered his things, my own, and half of all the goods we'd gained during the trip. Falaen didn't talk to me anymore for the whole walk back to Minulain, and I couldn't blame her- I'd gotten my brother killed. I'd nearly gotten her killed. I'd nearly gotten myself killed. I hated myself as much as she hated me, then.

From there, it all went downhill for me. The cats' remains did well, but I refused to hunt for weeks, in mourning. When I decided to start again, I realized I couldn't aim, anymore - nowhere near as well as I'd been able with both eyes. I sought out healers from all over Valenwood, but yielded no results. Something about the delicate construction of the eye and whatever magical properties the cat's claws contained made it impossible. It took over a month to stop bleeding completely, and several to fade to the scar it is now. Eventually I realized the best I could do was to- to remove it, as the mangled mess was beginning to rot in my skull and was putting the rest of me in danger, and now I've a pale glass one in its place.

I couldn't hunt anymore, and Synar and Falaen took over in my place, with my blessing. To this day I owe Falaen my life. My family- my parents and younger sister said they didn't blame me for Valas's death, but I knew they did. It was my fault. Falaen was furious, and told the story in its entirety to all of Valas's friends, who then also hated me. I had no livelihood, no friends, and at times it felt like no family. Perhaps this was selfish, but in the night I took my things - my most recent journal, my new leathers, a pouchful of gold (I left the rest of it, a third for Falaen and the rest for my family), and my bow and left Valenwood overnight.

(At this point I realized I was rambling, no longer speaking of my eye at all, but Ghorbash shook his head - he didn't mind. I kept going.)

I walked through Cyrodiil for weeks. It was so strange, of course - I'd heard of the cities on the ground, stationary and built of dead trees and stone, but seeing them in the flesh was jarring. I kept up the Pact for a month, until my gold started running thin and I realized that, if I couldn't hunt, I wouldn't have enough meat to sustain myself. I was then sick for weeks on end as my body grew accustomed to eating vegetation.

It took months for me to stop being sorry for myself, and by then I'd heard that hunting was better in Skyrim - sure the deer were faster than anywhere else, but they were bigger, more tender, and more plentiful than anywhere else in Tamriel. I had some idea of coming north to regain my confidence and perhaps begin hunting for profit once more, but upon crossing the border - well. The rest is history.

Ghorbash stared for a long time once I'd finished speaking. He looked like he had questions, but I yawned, the late hour catching up with me. I'd been speaking for over an hour.

"One question," he said. "Had you ever killed a man before coming to Skyrim?"

"Aside from Valas? Not in anything but self defense. Even now, I try to keep that up."

"Have you slipped?"

"Yes." Grelod the Kind and that Khajiit, the night I was kidnapped by Astrid, come to mind. "But if I have to kill someone who doesn't want to kill me, I try to kill the one who has hurt or killed others. I like being able to sleep at night." With that I left him to come upstairs.

-Thadan

 

We've just arrived in Dustman's Cairn - I realized (SO belatedly!) that what I'd thought was an Inn across the street was in all actuality a fletcher called The Drunken Huntman, run by a fellow Bosmer. Inside I found an Orsimer bow, which I'd been eyeing for a while as I've heard about their ease of fire, so on impulse I bought it. I believe I will stick to my Dwarven one for now, however, as I'm more used to it.

-Thadan

 

The Cairn was easy as anything - with Lydia, Ghorbash, and Farkas at the forefront and myself picking off any enemies around the edges of the fray, we made a mighty team.

Inside the Cairn, however, we were not simply faced with the draugrs I suspected - though there were plenty of undead, we were also attacked by a group of warriors calling themselves the Silver Hand. I'd accidentally locked myself in a side room with Lydia and Ghorbash when they first surrounded Farkas, and I was fearful that he would die - but before I could raise my bow in aid he had bowed over, back arching impossibly and every part of him lengthening, sprouting black fur. He morphed into a wolf-like creature and in mere moments had killed all the Hand that surrounded him. He opened the room I was trapped in after he shifted back and I approached him, more questions than fearful exclamations - a werewolf! And he told me that the entire Circle of the Companions, all their leaders, were werewolves themselves! I was taken aback, but that explained the Silver Hands' silver weapons and presence in the crypt.

Still, we found the fragment of Wuuthrad and I learned the second word to the Fire Breath shout from a word wall at the end of the crypt, and then downed a couple deer once we were outside again. We ran most of the way back to Jorrvaskr, and in the dark and rain Lydia, Ghorbash, and I were inducted into the Companions.

Kodlak Whitemane confirmed what Farkas said about the Circle all being werewolves, and said that he himself is looking for a cure for his own lycanthropy. Something about various afterlives, one Daedric and one Nordic, and his preference for the latter.

He sent me then to speak to Eorlund Grey-Mane about weapons, as if I haven't done so already. Still, I'll head back and do that in the morning.

Lydia and Ghorbash are in high spirits - I can tell they're honored and excited to be a part of the Companions, as am I. I'm too wary of the werewolf issue to share in their reveling, but it does warm my heart to see them getting on as well as they do. They truly are warriors cut from the same stone.

-Thadan


	3. Heartfire 25th - Frostfall 15th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last series of entries.

\---Heartfire, 25th, 4E 201---

Most of today was spent in a carriage headed to Riften - Farkas gave me a job to "intimidate" some poor fellow at the Inn here. It was easy enough, but now it's so late I've decided we're to stay the night in town.

I remember last time I was here a mage (?) in dark robes called Sam Guevenne challenged me to a drinking contest in passing. He's still here, so I've decided to take him up on his offer. I don't drink much, and I don't profess to have a high tolerance for alcohol, but if he's paying for the stuff, who am I to refuse?

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 26th, 4E 201---

Gods, my head.

It's just past midnight, and somehow - miraculously - I'm being yelled at by a priestess in the temple of Dibella, in Markarth. I was only out for two hours, at the most! How I got here, I'll never know. 

She's told me I stumbled in here ranting about marriage, and a goat, and Rorikstead. I suppose that's where I'm headed next?

Lydia and Ghorbash are with me, but they refuse to tell me what happened. Lydia from horror, and Ghorbash from humor. I hope they're ready to walk, bastards.

-Thadan

 

We arrived in Whiterun by carriage because even though I do wish to punish Lydia and Ghorbash, I sure as damn well don't want to walk around with this hangover. Once in town I was shouted at by a local farmer, who is awful mad at me for kidnapping his prized goat and selling it to a giant. I of course have no memory of this, and I can't fathom when in Y'ffre's name I had the time to do that while also travelling across Skyrim at inhuman speed, but I suppose it happened. Lydia, Ghorbash, and I killed the giant and brought the goat back to its owner, and he told me that I had apparently left him a note explaining myself. Though mostly mead-stained gibberish, I managed to write out "Ysolda" and "Whiterun" near-legibly, so I suppose that's where we're headed next.

Another carriage. The booze may have been free but I'm definitely paying the price now.

-Thadan

 

I found Ysolda, and she wouldn't give me a lot of details but apparently she gave me a wedding ring to give to my fiancee? Apparently I tried to marry a woman last night. I must have been completely out of it.

I persuaded her to give me the location of where I was to have the wedding; a place near Windhelm called "Morvuskar" - I believe that's where I should head next. I don't much fancy finding whatever poor woman I mistakenly tried to wed.

It's only early evening and we've spent much of the day on carriages, so we're just going to keep going. I need to find this gods-damned Sam fellow and ask him what the hell happened.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 27th, 4E 201---

It's morning and I wasted a whole day on that blasted adventure, but I can now finally head back to Whiterun and follow up with Farkas.

Sam turned out to be Sanguine, Daedric Prince of debauchery, and he decided to use the promise of a staff to get me involved in drunken shenanigans. I don't much want to talk about it. Still, once I finally found him he gave me the staff and sent me back to Riften, where we met.

Somehow I'm not all that surprised this happened to me. Gods.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 28th, 4E 201---

I rested for the rest of the day at the Inn in Riften, then arrived back in Whiterun by carriage at about dawn. Farkas paid us for our work, then directed us to Skjor, who said he needed to speak with us. We're to meet with him under the Skyforge tonight.

I wish to take it easy today, so I am going to send Lydia and Ghorbash to Breezehome and I'm going to spend the day hunting.

-Thadan

 

Hunting today was... eventful. Killed many deer, saw a dragon in the distance and chased it, was attacked by the dragon and a cave bear at the same time, killed both, learned the first word of a new shout ("weapon"), tried to get back down the mountain and had to outrun a frost troll and a snowy sabre cat, continued to run even though I was carrying too much stuff, outran another paddle-tailed dragon (and a persistent one at that), found a lost horse, and followed the road back to Whiterun on its back. I have quite the collection of meat, though.

Now I'll drop by the apothecary and the general store to find salt to cook this meat, then I'll take Lydia and Ghorbash to go see Skjor.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 29th, 4E 201---

The night has been rough and strange, as most of my nights have been, but I'll try to describe this quickly. Aela doesn't have patience for my writing habit.

She, Lydia, Ghorbash, and I are out in the wilderness where, just minutes ago, I awoke nearly naked. I- When we met with Skjor underneath the Skyforge, I was ushered in and Lydia and Ghorbash were locked outside. I was- I could see no other way to continue, and it seemed I wouldn't be considered officially a Companion if I didn't so I-

I'm getting ahead of myself. Under the Skyforge, in the area they call the Underforge, there is a large stone basin on a pedistal in the center of the rough-hewn stone room, windowless and lit by torches mounted in sconces on the wall. Skjor led me inside, and inside was Aela in her wolf form - hulking and dark and terrifying. Skjor explained that in order to join the Circle, I must become a werewolf as they all are - that I can continue to be a Companion if I didn't wish to complete the ritual, but it was obvious that he, Aela, and the rest of the Circle (save perhaps Kodlak, who wishes to cure himself) would never truly accept me unless I joined them. I refused at first, but- but then I changed my mind, I guess. I'm not sure why, as the idea of becoming such a beast is horrifying to me, but I did it anyway. Skjor sliced open Aela's arm and her blood flooded the basin, and I did as instructed and drank of it.

The next several hours were a blur of movement and noise, so many voices familiar and not screaming and shouting at me, a low, constant hum of a growl and the ground-shaking tremor of a roar, of a howl. I woke, naked but for my underclothes, out here in the wilderness with Aela above me, Lydia and Ghorbash behind me. I was apparently harder to control than even Farkas at his turning, though the meaning of that is lost on me.

We ended up near a Silver Hand camp, and we're clearing it out now. I feel simultaneously exhausted and as if I may never have to sleep again, and the restlessness of it is horrible. I want to speak with Lydia and Ghorbash privately, but I suppose that will have to wait until we get back to Whiterun.

-Thadan

 

Skjor is dead. There is another Silver Hand location for us to root out, but first I wish to head to Whiterun. My pack is hanging heavy, as are those of my friends. Plus, I still wish to sit down and speak to them and the wilderness of Skyrim isn't exactly the best place for it.

-Thadan

 

"When are we going to talk about this?" Lydia hissed, close to my ear, as I felled a stray deer on the way to Windhelm, the closest city to where I'd awoken, to take a carriage.

I frowned and hushed her, approaching the kill to draw out my arrow and cut out the meat with my dagger. "Home," I said, quietly. "It won't be long. I'm too tired to talk."

"You're talking right now."

I shot her a look and she quieted, expression obscured by her Dwarven helmet. She'd changed into the steel plate armor of the Steel Hand leader we'd just killed, but she hadn't had the helmet or bracers - Lydia only had the chest and shoulder piece, and the boots. It was effective, but ugly. I'd have to buy her a new helmet at least, back in Whiterun.

I did so, from Warmaiden's when we arrived, then had her armor, helmet, and boots improved while we were there. I've been running around Whiterun for hours, making sure her armor was as good as I could get it without leaving the city. Perhaps tomorrow I will head to Riverwood and check their general store, and their blacksmith.

Once I was finished with the errands, we all came back to Breezehome to eat and rest by the fire. Except that the moment the door had shut behind her, Lydia tucked her helmet under her arm and rounded on me.

"What in the Nine have you done, my thane?" she asked, sour tone lessened by the respectful title. I realize now that she's never called me by my given name, but I know that's probably just her taking her place as my housecarl as seriously as she does.

"He's a werewolf now," Ghorbash said, approvingly. "As strong and graceful a creature as any I've seen. If he's made this choice-"

"I felt I hadn't one," I said, interrupting. "I don't know. I felt like it was the only step forward."

"Well, if I may say so, I disapprove," Lydia said, stomping up the stairs to start removing her armor. She began shouting so as to keep being heard. "It was a dangerous and unnecessary step."

"I know," I said, sighing. I set my helmet on the short table at my side. "There's nothing to do about it now, though, save perhaps helping Whitemane cure his own. I'd have to wait for him to ask, though. I have enough on my plate without seeking out more to do."

"Speaking of which-" There was a heavy thud as her chest piece hid the floor. "-we still need to head to Winterhold to speak with the College. You said you saw two dragons yesterday?"

"I did."

"That's a problem that needs to be dealt with." Lydia was back down the stairs, shaking out her helmet hair. "I should have been with you."

"He can take care of himself," Ghorbash said. "You needn't coddle him-" He paused. "What's your surname?"

Lydia glared. "I'm not coddling him; I pledged my life to protect his. And I haven't one. I was orphaned young and denounced the surname given to me at the orphanage the moment I was old enough to. It's just 'Lydia.'"

"We can head to Winterhold tomorrow," I said. "After Riverwood. I want to see if I can find you some steel plate bracers, and a new shield."

"So we're going to ignore the werewolf thing?"

Ghorbash shrugged. "I like it, but if you don't, it's not as though shifting is mandatory. Besides, I've heard it makes you immune to disease, which is useful."

"I'm Bosmer - I hardly ever get sick anyway," I said, but he had a point. "I'll be fine. Once we have this Elder Scroll we can come back and see about getting a cure."

Lydia held my gaze for a long time before she nodded. "Fine.

-Thadan

 

\---Heartfire, 30th, 4E 201---

I woke feeling that same restlessness I did when we were clearing out the Silver Hand stronghold. Is this a symptom of lycanthropy? I may as well never sleep if I cannot feel rested, blast, but then what will I do while Lydia and Ghorbash are resting? Hunt?

We're leaving for Riverwood soon, and then for Winterhold.

-Thadan

 

We managed to get a little... turned around on the way to Riverwood. I got distracted by a dragon in the distance.

I've just finished my business down here, and we'll now take a carriage to Winterhold. I'm not sure how long it will take - I'm not sure if we'll rent a room there or try to sleep on the ride.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 1st, 4E 201---

The ride was long and we slept through a great deal of it. I can't tell if it's dawn or not - the snow is so bright it can look like noon at midnight, but people up here seem to know how to read it. Too early for shops to be open, though.

I've just received another dragon claw relic - like the golden claw from Bleak Falls Barrow, and the ruby claw from King Olaf's tomb. After we're done at the College we can perhaps follow up on it, if it's not too far. It's another tomb, and this dragon claw is made of coral, so I suspect much of the same.

Now, we're headed up to the College to meet the mages. None of us are very excited - the only mages we've encountered have tried to kill us, save Esbern.

-Thadan

 

Winterhold is truly awful. Nothing to do, no one to talk to, and any attempt made at exploring the area leads to frostbite and sickness. I don't relish heading out in that snow tomorrow.

I spoke with an older Orsimer at the College about the Elder Scrolls - he was difficult until I told him I was the Dragonborn, after which he was much more agreeable. Of the two books on the Scrolls he was able to find for me, one was written by the foremost modern expert on the Scrolls - a Septimus Signus, brilliant scholar and absulute madman. He apparently disappeared into the snow and ice up north in search of some Dwarven artifact - tomorrow morning, Lydia, Ghorbash, and I are to head up there to search for him. I don't look forward to the trip - gods, I loathe the cold. Of the many things I miss about Valenwood, the climate is not the least of them.

For now, after an aborted attempt at exploration and some limited trade with the locals, the three of us have cordoned ourselves off in the local Inn to revel in the warmth of the fire. There's truly nothing else to do in this gods-forsaken place, but we've come to find great joy in each others' company. Ghorbash has warmed to us in the time since he joined us, a fact which makes me smile to think about it. In battle together we are unstoppable, and beyond that we have become friends. I'm not sure I would be able to do this without them.

-Thadan

 

We were quiet as we prepared for bed - I suppose I am the oldest of us, and my newfound beasthood makes me so- I've already spoken of this restless tiredness, so I won't go on about it anymore, but sleeping is both something I long for and something that no longer satisfies. (Sure I feel healthier in every other aspect, and a sort of innate power and strength I hadn't had before, but I very much miss the well-rested feeling from a good night's sleep.) The room we rented had two thin beds and one of the innkeeps let us borrow a sleeping roll. Ghorbash volunteered to take it, unused to sleeping on mattresses from his years of adventuring and in the stronghold. I took to my bed first, to the soft sounds of Ghorbash removing his leathers and setting out the roll, and of Lydia polishing her armor. I couldn't sleep, but I refrained from tossing and turning and instead forced myself still, hoping that feigning sleep would bring the real thing to pass.

"How long have you known him?"

Ghorbash's voice, rough and rumbling. He spoke especially lowly, as if to keep from waking me. I realized he thought I was asleep, and nearly corrected his assumption, but decided not to.

"Over a month, now," Lydia replied. "I remember rooting out vampires in Morthal on the first of Heartfire, and I'm sure we were together at least a week before that. Why?"

"Just wondering. I wanted to... ask you something. About him."

I could hear Lydia's disapproving frown. "He's right there. It's not right to-"

"I haven't anything unkind to say," Ghorbash said, quickly. "Just an observation."

"Ask your question. I'll answer if I deem it acceptable."

"Yes, your highness." Ghorbash's tone was teasing. "He's... particularly protective of me, isn't he?"

Lydia was quiet for a long stretch. "What do you mean?" she asked at last.

I imagine Ghorbash shrugged. "I just get that feeling from him, I guess. When- Especially when we're fighting. Has he ever healed your wounds with magic?"

"No."

"He went to that wizard in Whiterun specifically to learn the spell and heal me," he said. "The first time just he and I went out. Since then he pays closer attention to me."

"It sounds to me that you are paying awful close attention to him." Her tone was lightly teasing - such that it would be easily missed.

Ghorbash ignored it. "He doesn't do it to you - you, he trusts to take care of yourself. Does he not trust me? Do you think he sees me as weak?"

"That's something you'd have to ask him yourself," Lydia said. "If you want my opinion, I think he knows that you're strong. He just worries, as though he is responsible for us. For me, he shows this by buying me stronger armor. For you, he shows it by healing you."

"I guess you're right." He paused, and I thought perhaps that the conversation was over, but then he spoke again. "There's- Something he said the other day got me thinking about this, I suppose."

"What did he say?" Lydia asked, all thought of not speaking about me seemingly thrown out.

"No one heard him but me, I think," Ghorbash said. "Before we stormed in on those werewolf hunters, near Windhelm. We- I'd been fighting one in particular and I was staggering, a well-placed blow with a mace catching my axe arm between my armor and bracer. In less than a moment, the man had two arrows sprouting of his side and he collapsed. I- Oakwind almost didn't seem to see me as he stomped forward to rip his arrows out of the dead man's skin and rifle through his pockets. He growled at the corpse, 'Don't lay a gods-damned hand on him,' quietly as if to himself, but I was close enough to hear. He looked up at me afterward and stared me in the eye as he straightened out, then left without a word to collect gold from the rest of the dead."

"Nine Divines," Lydia breathed, and I rolled over onto my side to hide my- my flushing face, as I'm sure I was flushed. Most of all I could remember from that night was a blur of blood and adrenaline, but- but I knew what Lydia seemed to be putting together.

I do care for him, and I suppose he's frightened by just how much I do. We- I no longer consider us strangers - we're closer to friends, I think, but- but my feelings, I am beginning to fear, extend beyond friendship. I am reminded of what the priest of Mara said to me when I purchased that amulet from him, about how love in Skyrim is scarce and precious, to be acted upon as quickly as possible. I wonder where in Breezehome I left that amulet, and if- perhaps I should take to carrying it around. Just in case.

"What?" Ghorbash snapped, eager for Lydia's meaning, but I could hear her mouth snap shut.

"It's not for me to say," she said. "It's not right to speak of him while he cannot speak for himself. If you wish to ask him-"

"I can do so when he wakes, I know," Ghorbash said. "Fine. Just- Can you promise not to mention our conversation to him?"

"Of course."

"My thanks."

Ghorbash laid down, and within minutes his soft snoring filled the room. The sound was oddly comforting, and I was asleep before Lydia was.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 2nd, 4E 201---

Today was spent in the snow pretty much exclusively, first searching out Septimus Signus and then finding another word wall and dragon guardian situation, which I've come to call a dragon temple for lack of a better word.

Signus sounded as mad as he did on paper and much of what he said was lost on me, and he gave me two Dwarven artifacts - a ball and a box, both of hollow Dwarven metal - to somehow use in acquiring the Elder Scroll from some Dwarven ruin we're to seek out tomorrow. I could hardly understand a word he said, and perhaps I should have written some of it down out there, but gods it was cold and I just didn't... want to.

Next I led us back to Winterhold and decided to take Allie north to scout out the direction the ruin is in, and on the trip I sensed the dragon temple - the fight was quick and the word meant "ice" (different from frost?), and soon we were off again. I once more had to heal Ghorbash's wounds, as he recklessly stood directly in line with the paddle-tailed dragon's frost breath for much longer than was prudent.

On the way back to Winterhold for the night, however, we passed another of those damned, impossible ice spirits. I hate them so, and much more now because it nearly killed Ghorbash once more, and it killed Allie outright. I'm furious moreso than sad, and I nearly tore into Lydia when she finally showed up and killed the damned thing with her fire-enchanted mace. Where had she been - had she been stuck, or lost, just long enough to let my damned horse die? But I didn't, as I knew it wasn't fair. If she had her way she would have killed the thing before I even saw it. I cannot fault her for being human.

We walked the rest of the way back to Winterhold, freezing and tired and in a sour mood (or at least, I was those things). I've just rented another room and in the morning we're off to the ruin.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 4th, 4E 201---

We woke just after dawn to leave Winterhold for the Dwarven ruin, and I believe it has been a full day since then. I am relieved to have stepped out of that dank darkness and into morning light, and directly into an abandoned camp no less! We are to rest here for a couple hours, then we'll start walking until we find a road, then city. We are truly exhausted.

Inside the ruin we encountered many things - bickering Khajiiti brothers and a pair of lost Imperials, Dwarven automatons of all shapes and sizes and those strong and pitiful blind mer I now know to be falled "Falmer," great insectoid creatures known as chauri and the rare skeever, alchemy reagents by the armful and great fungi that grew as high as the ceiling, ceilings that stretched so high I couldn't see them and the cramped hallways of Dwarven civilization, packed full of gleaming machinery and damp with steam. My exhaustion is belied by wonder and curiosity, and if not for my companions I'm sure I would have stayed to investigate further - especially in the case of a massive stone altar upon which I could see, distantly, some sort of glowing orb the size of a house. I'd seen it, but I'd known it wasn't pertinent to our objective so I let it be.

I've transcribed the knowledge of the Elder Scroll onto the Dwarven box Signus gave me, and lost the orb in unlocking a door. Now I've just the box and the Scroll, which I feel deserves better than to be shoved into my pack amongst hundreds of assorted arrows and far more food than I truly need to be carrying.

All of our packs are laden down with junk, so I... actually. I believe I will dump most of my things in this chest - inside the tent I'm sitting in to write - and I will venture back into the ruin. I am truly curious about that altar. I will let the others rest here while I do so.

-Thadan

 

What I believed an altar holding an orb was not such at all - instead, this is a great... city? I suppose? There are few buildings but I can easily imagine this place better lit and bustling with people. Now, however, there are only Falmer and their- their thralls, I suppose, men and Khajiit (I've yet to see any mer) that have attacked me upon sight, distracting me long enough for their Falmer lords to close in. It's been treacherous but nothing I can't handle alone.

The orb seems to be some sort of false sun, to illuminate the outside and perhaps stave off the madness of the dark. Too late for these creatures.

-Thadan

 

This place is deadly silent, and more so as I find myself drawn ever-deeper. I believe this may be purposeful - the Falmer are blind, and perhaps the silence helps them "see" through hearing. There are much fewer of their servants this deep; I believe I've found a sort of catacombs.

I've found a key on one of the Falmer I've killed - I'm not sure where it may lead, but I am surely going to find out. I hope venturing down here alone wasn't a mistake - if I decide to leave back the way I came, I'm not sure I'd be able to find my way. I suppose the only way back is forward.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 5th, 4E 201---

It's been over a day, down here. I haven't a clue where I am or how to leave. I've resolved to... to exploring, I guess, until I find the exit. I've found a couple already, true, but I haven't found the one where Lydia and Ghorbash are waiting for me.

Are they even waiting anymore? Have they assumed I've died? Where would they go if I did?

I left food in that chest - I hope they've waited for me.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 5th, 4E 201---

It took another full day of exploring and running about, but I've finally escaped Blackreach - I was certain that damned Dwarven city would be my tomb but I managed, thankfully. I nearly wept when I came out of the- the elevator and found Lydia and Ghorbash waiting for me, sitting around the campfire looking worried. Lydia nearly tackled me when she saw me, still in her armor for warmth and protection, nearly cutting my face open on the wings of her helmet. Ghorbash seemed to relax more completely than I've ever seen him, smiling. Once Lydia let me go he clapped his hand on my shoulder, and I thought he would leave it at that until he drew me into a hug as well.

"What happened down there?" Lydia asked as Ghorbash let me go.

I felt all the cold of the mountaintop at once when he'd done so. "I, er. Got lost," I admitted. "It's a lot bigger down there than I'd believed. I even fought a dragon."

"There was a dragon down there?!" she exclaimed.

"Among other things."

It's just past dawn now, and they're rested enough to keep walking. I guess the one advantage of this werewolf thing is that I feel just as tired now as I did two days ago.

-Thadan

 

In Dawnstar, the nearest city, we fought a dragon (gods!) and took a carriage to Whiterun. I'm trying to sell off all that I can, and then I'll leave the others at Breezehome and I'll be off to High Hrothgar and the Throat of the World (where Paarthunax resides) to read the Elder Scroll. I believe I will then try to head back to Winterhold to give Septimus Signus his... cube.

-Thadan

 

It took the rest of the day to put all our things away and reorganize my pack, so now we're settling in for dinner and the night. I am ready to stop moving, even if I can't truly rest.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 6th, 4E 201---

I rode to Ivarstead in a carriage from Whiterun, and from there bolted up the stairs - tearing through a bear, a snow bear, and an ice wraith to do so. I was impatient, so I ran past the Greybeards and up to the Throat as quickly as I could. Paarthunax spoke to me, encouraging me to stand in the "Time Wound" and read the Scroll. I did - the air and light around that place bent and shifted like water, and I saw reflections of myself as if I were there and not, within and without my body. I drew the Scroll out and extended it down to read, but instead of words and characters I saw- I'm not sure what I saw. A circle encrusted with symbols, unknowable and unreadable, and then it faded away and I looked through it as if through glass, the real world melting away to red-tinted visions.

A man and a woman, fighting a dragon, conversing as friends - not Alduin, and no names I'd heard before. They spoke to another man, elderly, and in possession of the Elder Scroll. In the end Alduin appeared and killed the first pair, leaving the old man to resort to the Scroll's use - catapulting Alduin forward in time, likely straight to Helgen on that fateful day. Would I be Dragonborn if they had simply killed him then? How would my life- no, how would the world be different?

They used the Dragonrend shout to draw him to Mundus and make him susceptible to injury, and I learned the shout through their use of it.

The vision faded away, leaving me shaking and tremulous, feet uneven in the snow - but there was Alduin, flying in place before me. He began speaking to me, more nonsense in the dragon tongue with a little common thrown in, undiscernable from the rest, and in my cloudy-headed frustration I Shouted - "Joor zah frul!"

He was enveloped in blue light, pulsing and swirling, and I began unleasing arrows into him - I switched back to my Dwarven arrows for their sharper tips, as I'd been using my less-expensive steel ones since Blackreach. It took hours, using Dragonrend over and over to keep him vulnerable and tethered to the ground while both I and Paarthunax attacked him.

Finally, I made the killing blow - but though his attacks stopped and he stilled, Alduin did not die. He spoke to me some more about how I, a mere mortal, can never kill him on this plane, and before I could do anything more he was gone.

I spoke to Paarthunax and he said to me that we have likely shaken the loyalty of Alduin's followers with this victory (though I was reluctant to call it that, since the damned beast got away) - and that, perhaps, we could encourage one to give us Alduin's location. Paarthunax suggested Dragonsreach - the back balcony, built by King Olaf to house the captive Numinex centuries ago, would be the perfect interrogation chamber.

The only problem with that, though, is convincing Jarl Barlgruuf to allow us to use it. I am to spend the night in Ivarstead, then head to Whiterun in the morning. Or - actually, I will attempt to rest on the ride. I'll take a carriage tonight.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 7th, 4E 201---

Balgruuf suggested a peace council between the Stormcloaks and the Imperials - he refuses to help me while there's war on his doorstep. I see his point, sure, but I really haven't the patience for diplomacy. Alduin is here - the end times are upon us, and I haven't the time to watch the Stormcloaks and Imperials bicker with hellfire at the door.

Instead of heading to High Hrothgar to ask Arngeir to house the peace conference, I am instead going to Solitude to join the Imperial Legion. I believe if I can aid the Empire in taking down the rebellion, the Jarl will have no choice but to aid us - one can't be stuck between two sides when there's only one to choose from.

I stopped by Breezehome before I left to gather supplies - Lydia doesn't seem to favor my decision (she seems staunchly uninterested in either side of this war) and wouldn't speak to me once I revealed my intention. Ghorbash insisted he come, so he and I are on the way to Solitude by carriage now.

I wonder if he is going to ask me about what he and Lydia spoke about the other night. He seems lost in his own thoughts, presently - perpetual frown pulled ever deeper, pale eyes distant. I wish I had a talent for the visual arts that I may be able to save this image in perpetuity on these pages, but alas, I've but words and my feeble mind to preserve it.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 8th, 4E 201---

It's early morning, beyond midnight but not yet dawn, and we've just arrived in Solitude. I didn't sleep on the ride for lack of tiredness but Ghorbash stayed up to speak to me, and is visibly tired. We rented a room at the Winking Skeever and - lo and behold - we were given a room with a double bed, much like Lydia and I before.

We both looked at the bed, then at each other.

"Um," I said, eloquently. "If you'd rather take the bed-"

"I prefer my roll," he said and I nodded, too-quickly. Ah. Yes. I'd forgotten. "But I forgot it in Whiterun. I don't mind sharing."

I didn't stare at him, but I did shoot him a look before looking away and nodding. "Alright. I, er. I need to write."

Ghorbash nodded, sitting on the side of the bed to unstrap his armor, boots and bracers soon to rest with his helmet on the side table. "Can you talk and write at the same time?"

"You need to rest," I said, flipping through this journal. Rereading passages has become a sort of ritual of mine, before writing my final entry for the day - to refresh my memory of things I have to do, and remind myself what I've done yet far. It's been nearly two months since I came to Skyrim and I've done so much - gods, I'm preparing to put a stop to the end of days.

"So do you," Ghorbash said, and I realized I hadn't told him nor Lydia of my beastly restlessness. I didn't correct him. "I've been meaning to speak with you, privately."

I swallowed. "Is that why you insisted you accompany me here?"

"Part of it. That and I'm getting awful sick of Whiterun."

I snorted. "I know the feeling. It passes, with time." I drew my quill and ink from my pack. "What do you wish to speak about?"

He sat back on the bed, leaning against the wall with all of his armor removed, as with his undershirt. I'd never before seen the uneven criss-cross of scars across his chest, and I turned back to my journal to keep from staring. I only pretended to be reading.

"I wish to thank you," he said, after a pause. "If you hadn't invited me along with you, I have never again left Dushnikh Yal."

"You've been as much an aid to me, if not more so," I said. I can't remember how many times he's saved my life or Lydia's, or us his, but I suppose that's expected for those in our line of... work.

He snorted. "I doubt that, but I appreciate the sentiment, Oakwind."

"Why the doubt?"

"Lydia and I spoke about how you worry about us," he said. "You proved it yourself when you were lost in Blackreach - you don't need us. If anything, we hinder you as we're not nearly so thoughtful, or light on our feet. How many times on the road have you had to slow down or stop completely so that you didn't lose us or leave us behind?"

I couldn't help a laugh. It's true - my stamina far outpaces theirs, and I am more likely to try to sneak around an enemy than charge in for the attack. "I don't mind it. Blackreach was both unbearably boring and unspeakably terrifying without you at my side." Though, admittedly, it had been almost relaxing to be alone down there up until I decided I wanted to leave and discovered that I couldn't.

Ghorbash hummed, unconvinced. "So you admit we're a burden - just one you don't mind carrying."

I shrugged. "Practically, I suppose. But you're my friends as well - not simply attack dogs to be pointed at my enemies. I enjoy your company. Without you and Lydia I would either be dead or awful lonely."

"I guess I can say the same," Ghorbash said. "Though I have to admit, I didn't ever suspect we would be friends. I was prepared to be that attack dog." I looked over to catch him smiling. 

"Sorry to disappoint," I said teasingly. "If you ever want me to recklessly endanger your life to save my own arse, let me know and it can be arranged."

"Is that not what you do already?"

I laughed. "I suppose, but I try to cover yours as well. And I heal you afterward. And I made you that armor. And I provide you with my dazzling conversational skills."

"Oh, of course," Ghorbash said. "Remind me of that next time I'm pulling one of your arrows out of my arm."

"You jumped in front of me!" I defended, but my face warmed. True, I could have been more careful, but so could he. That bandit was mine and, if I were to keep the element of surprise, I couldn't very well call out before shooting.

"I'm only joking, Oakwind." He always says my surname with a sort of warmth I haven't heard in a long time.

"You can call me Thadan," I said, impulsively. "I call you Ghorbash, it's only fair."

"Lydia doesn't."

"Lydia is hellbent on being a proper housecarl," I said, part dismissively. "I've given up trying to get her to stop with the 'my thane' business."

"Fine, Thadan," he said, and I warmed from the inside. He glanced at the journal in my hands. "Are you going to write, or are you coming to bed?"

I flushed, staring down at the book in my hands. My own words stared up at me accusingly - "my feelings, I am beginning to fear, extend beyond friendship."

"Right," I murmured. "You go to sleep. I feel I'll be writing for a while."

"Will you transcribe this conversation?"

"Perhaps."

He snorted. "Why do you insist on writing down our every conversation?"

"Go to sleep, Ghorbash."

-Thadan

 

I spoke with General Tullius this morning, and he recognized me from Helgen - still, he didn't seem all that unwilling to let me join, despite my then status as prisoner. He pointed me toward a Nord woman called Legate Rikke, who sent Ghorbash and I to clear bandits out of a nearby fort as a sort of... test, I suppose. Not surprised.

On the way out of Solitude I bought a new horse, a butter-pale mare with a white mane and tail who I've decided to call Nilana. I'm taking her with us to the fort.

-Thadan

 

We cleared out the fort with ease - in truth I believe if I had come straight here from Helgen, I could have been able to do it. Still, it seemed test enough, and when we returned to Solitude I was able to give my Oath of loyalty to the Empire. I don't know how I feel about it - what has the Empire done for me? for Valenwood? - but I suppose oaths don't mean much to me. I'm used to spitting out what people want to hear in order to get my way, in Skyrim.

Ghorbash and I are headed back to the Inn for the night, and in the morning we're to head to Korvanjund to seek out some ancient Nord relic - a crown of dragons' remains called the Jagged Crown. Apparently the Stormcloaks are after it, and it would be a powerful symbol to rally behind, so we have to get it before they do. Legate Rikke seems convinced of it.

-Thadan

 

We're back at the Inn, and we're about to sleep for the night. I wish to- to mention something that happened at the bandits' fort today, that I forgot to write before.

It was nothing big, but- I'm not sure, I just... I love these moments, and I wish to record at least one.

We had just arrived, the snow soft and quiet under my boots as I approached the fort. I could see an archer above the door to the compound, pacing. I had my bowstring pulled taut and I could hear Ghorbash's quiet breath at my back, crouched much as I was and weighing his axe in his hand. I nodded to him, minutely, and loosed my arrow to strike the archer and alert the rest of the bandits.

In moments we were out from behind the needled tree I'd used as cover and the bandits were upon us, three archers hanging back and three up closer, swinging a battleaxe and a sword and a mace. I was focusing on the archers, and nearly didn't notice the man with the axe raising his weapon to plant in my skull. I finally glimpsed him and almost- I turned my half-strung bow toward him to loose my arrow into his chest point-blank but then Ghorbash was between us, kicking the bandit back and raising his shield to catch the blow, then planting his own smaller axe in the joint of neck and shoulder. I sighed, relieved, then took out the remaining archer.

Lydia has often saved my life - usually before I realize I'm in danger, rushing forward to engage enemies I hadn't noticed or had intended on sneaking up on. Ghorbash- Ghorbash listens when I say to fall back and be quiet, only breaking that to launch himself between me and danger.

I know I'm reading into it. I know it, but I can't help but hope that

Nevermind. He's asleep and I should be, too. He looks so peaceful and once more I regret my lack of artistic skill that I cannot record in perfect detail the way the furrow of his spiked brow lessens only slightly, the scowl of his lips straighten out a little, and he looks so much gentler - a domestic dog instead of a wolf, a child's comforting toy instead of a bear, maw drenched in blood.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 9th, 4E 201---

It's mid afternoon and we've just taken a carriage to Dawnstar. It's the closest city to Korvanjund - from here we'll take the road south to meet Legate Rikke. Ghorbash and I spoke little on the ride - this morning when I woke (t'was still dark - I can't sleep through the night, when I am able to fall asleep in the first place), he was clutching my wrist and his face was screwed up in something like anger, or terror. I woke him, worried, and he lashed out - in an instant he was over top of me, one hand holding mine down and the other on my throat. Then he came to and he went dead quiet, eyes wide. He apologized quietly, and hasn't spoken much for the rest of the day.

I understand. I'm no stranger to nightmares. I won't push him.

-Thadan

 

I'm reminded that I received an invitation a couple days ago in Whiterun to the grand opening of some museum in Dawnstar. Perhaps after Korvanjund we can head back up here to check it out, if Ghorbash is interested.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 10th, 4E 201---

Damn it all, another late night spend underground.

We from Dawnstar we walked to Korvanjund, which took a long time in and of itself, not to mention all the time I spend trying to find the thick-skulled Imperials that kept charging ahead and leaving Ghorbash and I behind. Still, we got the Jagged Crown (I've decided to wear it because I find the bone-and-teeth combination to be... fanciful. Powerful. It's a tad heavy, though.

It's past midnight, and our next important stop is Solitude, but I think Ghorbash and I will rent a room in Dawnstar for the night, visit the museum (maybe), and then take a carriage to Solitude the next morning.

-Thadan

 

No visit to Dawnstar is complete without a dragon attack, hm? At least it feels that way,

We've just arrived at the Inn here - only one, small bed, so I've let Ghorbash take it as I'm not any more tired than usual. Now he's asleep. I've just spoken to a man in priests' robes in the common area about the speak of nightmares here in town - I'd heard about them, but I hadn't yet had the chance to investigate. While Ghorbash is sleeping, I suppose I'll go with this man to investigate. I'll leave Ghorbash a note.

I have a feeling that, like always, this will end up taking longer than I expect. I suppose I'll say as much in my note. We may not get back to Solitude for a while.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 11th, 4E 201---

It's just past midnight and I've just returned from the fortress - once a temple to the Daedric Lord Vaermina.

There was an artifact there called the Skull of Corruption which had been causing the nightmares - it consumes peoples' memories, you see, and leaves nightmares in its wake. The priest of Mara and I managed to destroy it, though Vaermina did speak to me and try to- to make me betray the priest. Her voice was honey-sweet and for a moment I believed her to be Mara, warning me against one who used her name in vain, but he was truly a good priest and did nothing but aid me. He's even offered up his services to me, to help me on my adventures if I so desire it. He's a powerful mage, but mages don't wear armor and I'm not sure how safe he'd be with me. They always seem so... delicate. I thanked him for the offer but ultimately declined, for now.

It's just past midnight and I've just arrived back at the Inn. Ghorbash is sleeping, though he did wake to respond to my note, which I will now store here. I intend to rest, now, if only just by sitting down - gods, I miss sleeping.

In the morning, the museum and perhaps a ride back to Solitude. I wonder what the Legion has in store for us next - hopefully not more draugrs.

-Thadan

 

I've just woken in the bed, my armor removed. Ghorbash was sitting in the chair I had been in, last I remember - when he noticed I was awake he told me that a couple hours ago, he had woken to see me fast asleep with my head on the table. He'd then carried me to the bed in his stead, and removed my armor for my comfort. He'd been reading some book I'd asked him to carry while he waited for me to wake once more.

Now, I'll redress and we'll see about that museum.

-Thadan

 

The museum was lackluster and a little creepy. The highlight was likely learning about the Mythic Dawn, a cult dedicated to worshipping the Daedric Lord (Prince? Is there a difference?) of destruction and change, Mehrunes Dagon. An interesting history, and moreso when I learned that the curator of the museum is descended from members of the cult.

He tasked me with finding the three fragments of Mehrunes Dagon's artifact, Mehrunes Razor, which seems to be some sort of... magic dagger. I imagine it's called a razor so as to avoid the wordplay, ha.Mehrunes Dagger.

I'm not interested, though perhaps I will change my mind about it later.

For now, back to Solitude.

-Thadan

 

Tullius thanked us and - to my dismay - took the Jagged Crown. I was growing awful fond of it, but I suppose... I suppose it's for the best. I'm still a little petulant.

I didn't really listen to most of what he said next - something about Ulfric Stormcloak and Whiterun, and Balgruuf being uncooperative. I am to deliver a message to the latter, as if I'm a courier and not the gods-damned Dragonborn. I get it when it's the Greybeards - no one else goes up to their mountain and can deliver their messages like I can - but there is no doubt in my mind that the General can hire an actual courier. I'm sure my talents would be of better use elsewhere, but whatever. I suppose we'll take a carriage to Whiterun tomorrow, unless I decide to walk. It's faster by carriage because the driver doesn't get distracted the way that I do by every strange shape on the horizon, but I do like discovering all the strange and forgotten and dangerous spots littered across Skyrim, marked on no map but my own.

The owner of the Inn in Solitude gave us the same room as before, and I was about to complain - this one-large-bed nonsense is getting almost out of hand - but upon inspection, no rooms here have more than one bed. I suppose it cannot be helped.

After the show of two nights ago with Ghorbash's nightmares, he seems reluctant to take to the bed. I'm trying to sit at the table as long as I can to allow him time to get comfortable once more, but I'm... running out of things to say, ha.

I can't wait to see Lydia tomorrow. I hadn't realized how long we would be away, and I'm sure she'll be intrigued to hear of all the things we've done in her absence. Perhaps she'll come with us to whatever task follows this message to the Jarl.

I also look forward to being home, at least for a night. No doubt it'll be late when we arrive in town, especially if I decide we're to walk. We'll likely spend two nights there, as every time I visit I end up spending a whole day running from shop to shop, blacksmith to blacksmith, home to Dragonsreach. It's sort of ridiculous, but I'm used to it by now.

Ghorbash has finally sat down. Once he's out of his armor and lying down, I will join him.

Ah, we can hear the bard Lisette through the floor. I get so... not exactly embarrassed, but something similar each time I hear someone sing The Dragonborn Comes. Ghorbash has picked up the pesky habit of requesting it at every Inn with a bard, while I'm renting the room. I swear, he and I are going to come to blows.

-Thadan

 

> \---*The Note*---
> 
> Ghorbash,
> 
> I'm sure you've heard the whispers about nightmares here in town. I've gone off with a priest of Mara to investigate the issue, and perhaps put an end to it.
> 
> I'm not far off, though I'm still unsure how long this will take. I'll be back as soon as I can.
> 
> Rest well,
> 
> Thadan Oakwind
> 
> \--
> 
> Thadan-
> 
> Though I know you're likely doing just fine out there as I write this, I do wish you had perhaps left me the location so I could find you when I woke. If you die in there because that damned priest hadn't the constitution nor the cause to protect you the way I would, gods help him.
> 
> If you're reading this, welcome back.
> 
> -Ghorbash gro-Dushnikh (or, the Iron Hand)

 

\---Frostfall, 12th, 4E 201---

It did not take long to arrive in Whiterun on horseback, skirting around threats and avoiding distractions. I've not much to be distracted by anymore, on that road - how many times now have I travelled it?

Ghorbash and I delivered Tullius's message a little after noon, and after much debating between the Jarl, his housecarl Irileth the Dunmer, and his primary advisor Avenicci (father of the blacksmith), Balgruuf has given me his axe to give to Ulfric Stormcloak as a sort of challenge - or maybe a confirmation of intention. Perhaps in the morning we will be off for Windhelm - though I know not. I thought we'd arrive here later than I believed.

For now, it's mid-afternoon and we're home with Lydia. She seems restless, and upon telling her about Ulfric's intent to attack Whiterun, she seems eager not only to leave the house but to come with us to Windhelm. I was hoping she'd come around.

She asked me about how the last couple days, and I nearly handed her this journal, but then I recalled the... contents of them. I have spoken much of Ghorbash lately, especially in our time alone together. Instead I skimmed and told her the important parts, and the interesting parts (such as my time in Dawnstar - from the dragon to the Daedric fortress to the museum). She seems to be the same amount of part-exasperated, part-bewildered she always is when it comes to the things that happen to me. Perhaps the word to use is "resigned."

I've filled her in on the plan and she's come to the conclusion that perhaps my method is the right one - it is smarter to deal with the Stormcloaks now so that we can focus on the dragon problem more fully, than it is to allow the Stormcloaks and Imperials to continue tearing Skyrim apart. It's easier for Alduin to win if we're not united, and though perhaps peace through cooperation is preferable, it's not exactly feasible with these groups. The Stormcloaks are too self-righteous to listen to reason and the Empire is too controlled by beaurocracy.

So, in summary - sleep in Breezehome tonight, Windhelm on horseback tomorrow, and wherever Jarl Ulfric sends us the day after, if we're allowed to stay in town.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 13th, 4E 201---

I've just spoken to Ulfric Stormcloak for the first time - it occurred to me upon hearing his voice that he'd been gagged at Helgen, and I hadn't heard it before. He has a nice voice, I have to admit. I wonder how he sounds when he Shouts.

We spoke of the war for a time, as strangers, before I announced my intention and delivered Balgruuf's axe. He seemed disappointed in me, and though I do not support his side in this war, for a moment I felt shame at that. He is truly a powerful and charismatic leader and speaker. I almost pitied him when he spoke of his father's death.

Still, I cannot abide a cause that hinges on treating any non-Nord like vermin to be run out of the country, or exterminated. I have met and spoken with and been aided by too many sorts of people to have any patience for such baseless prejudice. It's childish.

We're leaving Windhelm at once. I can't stand it here any longer - we'll take a carriage back to Whiterun. I hope that we can avoid as many civillian casualties as possible when the Stormcloaks attack - and that my home will be spared, though perhaps that is selfish. I suppose when the city I have come to call home is under threat if imminent attack, I can be a little selfish.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 14th, 4E 201---

We arrived at Whiterun just after midnight, and we rested just long enough on the ride that we're not tired. We're going up to speak ot Balgruuf now.

-Thadan

 

I haven't much time to write so I'll be quick. The Stormcloaks are here. We - Ghorbash, Lydia, and I - are heading to the front lines. We're to protect our home.

Gods be with us.

-Thadan

 

The battle was long but as an archer, I took few hits and took many lives. I've just reported to General Tullius and was promoted - I am now writing as Quaestor Thadan Oakwind, Imperial Legion. It's... bizarre, to be honest. I've never seen myself a military man. Still, this doesn't feel military - it just feels like a series of errands such as those I've been doing in the nearly two months since Helgen.

I'm now headed to meet Rikke in the Pale, the hold whose capital is Dawnstar. It's mid-afternoon, and I'm not sure I'll get the chance to rest if I leave immediately,  so Ghorbash, Lydia, and I are heading for the Winking Skeever once more.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 15th, 4E 201---

It's in the weak hours before dawn that we come back to the Winking Skeever, and I'm questioning my luck.

Sure, I've faced insurmountable odds and fearsome foes with nary an injury, but I still am confronted with them, yes? Over and over I run into beasts and beings that I perhaps... shouldn't, be they Daedra (thrice now!) or dragons.

And make that four Daedra, now. Meridia with her Dawnbreaker (which I am still to search out), Sanguine with his drinking contest, Vaermina with her nightmares, and now Sheogorath - Prince of Madness, whose follower asked me to explore a forbidden wing of the Blue Palace here in Solitude, and who just tasked me with freeing the mind of a dead Emporer from madness using the most eccentric weapon I've ever had to use. The Wabbajack, I'm sure, is useful - but the thought of misplacing a shot is terrifying, and I've never been more grateful to have my bow in my hands.

I awoke in that dusty wing just minutes ago, Ghorbash and Lydia whispering furiously to me and to each other - "What do we do? Where to we go? Do we wait for him to awaken? Could we carry him out without being seen? Do you think we could indulge in that ancient mead without getting sick?" - only to sigh in simultaneous relief when I blinked awake. I don't much wish to think about it much longer.

Oh, and I nearly forgot - I've taken to carrying my amulet of Mara. I haven't donned it yet but... I've considered it. For now, Kynareth is doing me very well.

I think the problem I have most with the amulet is that I... I don't wish to wear it to signal to anyone around that I'm available. I wish to wear it to communicate to the object of my... affections my interest, in a sort of indirect way. Perhaps telling him would be smarter.

I don't know why I've been thinking about this so damn much - I'm not eager to be in a relationship, nor am I feeling any sort of pressure to settle down. I don't feel as though I am lying by omission by keeping my feelings to myself, and I do so enjoy our friendship being just that.

Flipping back to some of my earliest entries, I mention a... well. A yearning for a certain kind of male company. I believe I may be applying those feelings onto my friendship with and attraction to Ghorbash. We get on well, I find him... visually appealing, and we near-constantly find ourselves in close proximity to one another. This isn't even to mention our combat relationship as vanguard and defender, and the implications of protection and sacrifice that come with such a pairing. No doubt that I would feel much the same about Lydia if she were a man.

Perhaps I am so eager to confess my attraction in one way or another in a sort of subconscious effort to, for want of better phrasing, bed him. I must confess to such thoughts, particularly last time we were in Solitude, sharing the bed and in our underclothes. He (and Lydia, for the first time) brought a sleeping roll, this time, having somehow remembered to retrieve it before departing Whiterun. Part of me is disappointed.

Anyway. For now, a short rest. Just after dawn, we'll be off for the Pale.

-Thadan

 

We reported to Legate Rikke and she immediately sent us away with an order to find copies of Stormcloak orders so we can create believable forgeries. She's given me two places to start my search - both Inns in different cities. I'll head out for them tomorrow.

I noticed a shipwreck in the distance, crushed up against the icy shore within spitting distance of the camp. Lydia, Ghorbash, and I have just explored it for a couple hours.

Now, we're setting down for the night in a nearby bandit camp around their roaring campfire, after we killed off its inhabitants. In the morning we walk to Dawnstar and take a carriage to our next location.

-Thadan


	4. Frostfall 17th - 28th

\---Frostfall, 17th, 4E 201---

From Dawnstar we went to the nearby Nightgate Inn, where we learned the location of a Stormcloak courier - she'd just left the place. We followed her out, and were attacked by a dragon! She stopped to help - if there's anything that can unite the people of Skyrim it's hatred of dragons - and died in the fight. I was able to take her orders off of her, as they were somehow untouched by the fire.

I brought them back to Legate Rikke, who changed some details and sent me to deliver them to the nearby Stormcloak captain. I did so, thinking all the while that maybe I should have acquired some Stormcloak armor as a disguise, but he didn't seem suspicious, despite my race.

We were sent back to Solitude to report to Tullius, who has just now sent us to the Rift to start on the next round of attacks. We slept on the carriage ride here last night, so we're ready to make the trip.

-Thadan

 

I feel as though I am collecting followers as if it were a hobby. I'm not displeased, however - I do enjoy the company.

However, this one is... unique.

Lydia, Ghorbash, and I were walking - I intend to take a carriage to Riften, yes, but first we will walk closer so the ride isn't 200 damned coin - and on the side of the road sat a wolf. At first I tensed, crouched, and readied my bow - but then I noticed it wasn't a wolf at all, but a domesticated dog, smaller and sturdier and all the more... goofy-looking than the typical wolf. I set my bow away and approached it, only for it to bark and run into the wood off the side of the road.

I followed it - part of me childishly wishing to pet it - and it turned around to make sure I was following. It was trying to lead me somewhere! It was a short walk before we happened upon a clearing and a small shack, and I grew... nervous. A trap? What kind of person would use a dog as bait?

But then I smelled it - death, the early stages of rotting flesh well remembered from my days as a career hunter. The dog went inside the shack and laid down, whimpering, and I apprehensively followed it inside.

There wasn't much inside: a couple books, a handful of nearly-rotten vegetables - and a Nord man, pale with death and the source of the smell. I looked at the dog with pity and picked up the book nearest the Nord. It was a journal with little inside, revealing that the man had died of Rockjoint, and that the dog's name was Meeko.

I crouched and spoke to Meeko, then, and- and ignored Ghorbash's chuckling at my expense as I invited him along. Meeko barked happily and pounced, nearly knocking me over with the force of it. and licking my face. I laughed at the surprising bout of affection and pushed him off, standing and signalling for the others to follow.

"You're actually keeping it?" Lydia asked, and I nodded.

"His name's Meeko," I said. "I can't just leave him - he'll get killed out here."

"He'll get killed with us," Ghorbash said. "We face dragons daily."

"I'll protect him," I said. "And when we finally go back to Whiterun, I'll leave him at Breezehome."

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 18th, 4E 201---

We've just arrived in Riften - we took the carriage from Morthal, and it was still 200 coin. Still, now that we have Meeko, I'm more nervous about walking - if a dragon attacked, could I keep Meeko from attacking it? from being attacked?

We slept on the ride and it's midmorning, now. We're now on our way to the Imperial camp.

-Thadan

 

I was damned annoyed to discover that we went too far east - the camp was nearer Ivarstead than Riften, damn it all. And my first order from Rikke upon arriving was to come straight back to Riften.

I left Lydia and Ghorbash behind with Meeko and borrowed one of the horses, having left Nilana by Solitude. I'm now to visit the Jarl's- palace, I suppose? I am to find evidence of corruption with one of the Jarl's advisors - apparently she's connected to the Thieves' Guild.

Tonight I will stay at the Inn here - it's getting rather late.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 19th, 4E 201---

I found an incriminating letter in the Jarl's steward's room, and confronted her with it. She brought me back into her room and spoke with me privately - confiding the location of a shipment of gold and weapons the Legion can now take for themselves, and giving me 1000 gold. I'm leaving Riften now, just past dawn, to give her the information.

-Thadan

 

We ambushed the wagon with little difficulty, even if it did take all day to get out here. Now we're heading back to the camp for the night.

The ambush was led by the newly promoted Captain Hadvar - he was the soldier at Helgen that first asked me my name, and is apparently the Riverwood blacksmith's nephew. He seems friendly enough; perhaps we'll be seeing more of him.

-Thadan

 

Legate Rikke has asked for our assistance wiping out another Stormcloak-possessed fort. I've decided to wait and do so tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm taking Lydia and Ghorbash up this mountain - I sense a word wall.

-Thadan

 

I haven't yet found the word wall (though I feel we're close) and yet we've already fought one of those paddle-tailed dragons (it's since disappeared - I'm not sure if it's dead), two of the strongest draugrs I've ever encountered (both of which used a Shout to tear my bow from my hands, and the latter of which used Unrelenting Force on myself and Ghorbash to send us flying). I nearly panicked upon fighting the latter of the two, and- I suppose this is something I will begin doing, but in my panic I grabbed the Wabbajack from where it is still strapped to my pack and began to use that. I managed to turn it into a chicken and a mudcrab, strike it with lightning and fire several times, and in a single strike killed it though it didn't seem anywhere near death. I took its sword, as it's made of a material I yet to see here in Skyrim - Ghorbash called it ebony.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 20th, 4E 201---

Found the wall and its dragon guardian - not the same paddle-tailed beast, but a different one. Strange.

The word means "kill," which I find rather... blunt, actually, but I suppose not every Shout can be some indirect, complicated endeavor.

We're on our way back to the camp now. Gods, it's past midnight now. I thought this would be quick.

-Thadan

 

We arrived in camp quickly - it seems I chose the longest possible route to the wall, but it's too late to complain now. Besides, I got to demonstrate the Wabbajack to Ghorbash and Lydia, and to practice using it.

I've just recalled that I left an enchanted bow in a chest by the wall. Damn. Tomorrow I will head to Riften to sell off all the enchanted loot I've gained in the past couple days, then I'll pick up the bow on the way back here. Then I'll go help siege the fort.

-Thadan

 

Spent nearly all day in Riften with Lydia - there's a conversation we had outside the Temple of Mara that I wish to transcribe later, when I've the time. For now, it's evening time and we're heading to meet with the others for the assault on Fort Green Wall. It'll take place tonight, after we arrive.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 21st, 4E 201---

The seizure of the fort was easy, and since we'd done little all yesterday, I decided we could explore for just a bit before heading back to camp to pick up Meeko.

What should have been a couple hours turned into an all nighter, once I sensed a word wall and spent a couple hours trying to scale the mountain and find it. Then I discovered a nearby hole in the rock, and followed it down to an empty mine full of skeletons - some reanimated, most not. I never found an explanation.

We got back to where the camp had been just now, a couple hours after dawn, to find that Rikke and the rest had cleared out. Meeko was still there, waiting for us. I'm not sure if I'm mad they didn't take them with them back to Solitude or if I'm relieved he's still here, as if I came back and he were gone I'm not sure the Imperials taking him would be my first instinct. I'd probably assume he'd been bested by a bear or something. I'm glad he's alright.

Now we're taking the road - hopefully up to Ivarstead and then taking a carriage to Whiterun, but I may get lost and end up in Riverwood instead. In that case, we'll just walk.

-Thadan

 

We arrived in Ivarstead quickly and took the carriage to Whiterun, arriving around mid-afternoon. The day has been spent looking for ebony armor to match the set I found last night for Lydia, but I've had no such luck. I'm cursing myself for selling off that ebony sword, but I suppose I did just spend a grand soul gem recharging the enchantment on her mace, so perhaps it doesn't matter. Still, I hope I can complete her set soon. She said it best herself - I worry about her, and I show that through newer and better armors.

Which reminds me about our conversation in Riften yesterday. We'd just walked past the Temple of Mara and I was reminded of that amulet, weighing down my pack and thoughts.

"I went there when I came to town to find Esbern," I said, in passing.

Lydia looked at me, curiously. "What for?"

I shrugged. "It had been the first temple I'd registered seeing since coming to Skyrim. I wished to check it out." I took hold of my Amulet of Kynareth, sliding my forefinger down the vertical lines of the silver feathered wings. I've heard of a Temple of Kynareth here in Whiterun - perhaps before we leave for Solitude tomorrow I can go find it. "I spoke to the priest and he said they presided over marriages there."

She was quiet, and when I looked at her she had stopped in her tracks and stared at me. "They do," she said. "Why are you talking about it?"

"I bought an Amulet of Mara," I said. "I was wondering if you knew anything about the etiquette of it. I wanted to perhaps take to wearing it but I want to know what to expect."

She kept on staring, but when I started walking again (looking for the general store - I couldn't remember where the damned thing was) she did too. "I- Okay. What do you want to know?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. What sort of reaction will I get?"

"Since you're not a Nord, you might get weird looks," she said. "But people will assume you know what you're doing. Approach you, proposition you. Did he not explain?"

 

"He did," I said. "But I suppose I wanted a second opinion." I paused. "Would I only, er, attract Nords?"

Lydia shook her head, keeping pace. "I doubt it. We're in Skyrim - most people have some understanding of what it means. Perhaps Orcs living in strongholds may not know, due to isolation? But-" She paused again, seemingly arrested by some thought. "Do you have anyone in particular in mind?"

I am loathe to repeat a word as much as I have in writing this, but again I paused. "I had... assumed you knew."

"I have suspicions," she admitted. "But no certain knowledge. Who is he?"

I glanced about, as if Ghorbash might materialize from the shopping crowd and overhear. "I'm sure your suspicions are correct," I said. "I overheard Ghorbash telling you about how I am... particularly protective of him. I was sure you understood what that meant better than he."

She hesitated before nodding slowly. "I... yes. That is what I thought." She shook her head. "If you have someone in particular in mind, it may be more sensible to speak with him directly. You'll no doubt get plenty of propositions in a single day of wearing the amulet, and I don't think a string of broken hearts is something you want as part of your legacy."

 

I blushed at the hidden compliment there, but I supposed she had a point. I'd been rather popular in Valenwood prior to the incident with my eye, and I can't deny that I am... striking, I suppose. And exotic, to these people, not only as a Bosmer, but also the biggest Bosmer they've ever seen (if only they'd met my father!). Red hair, as well, doesn't seem common here. And I'm the Dragonborn.

Anyway, we've arrived back in Breezehome, and I'm exhausted. I'm heading for bed. I don't recall what I mean to do tomorrow - it's late now and I've lost my train of thought from before writing this entry - so I'll figure it out in the morning.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 22nd, 4E 201---

Looking back on my journal entry (why am I so forgetful today! gods, at least I have this) I have concluded that we are to ride on for Solitude to meet with General Tullius. I will think on what Lydia said about the amulet during the... ride, I suppose. Part of me would like to walk, but I intend to bring Meeko, and he'll be safer tethered to a carriage, either sitting inside or walking astride.

-Thadan

 

After a gorgeous morning and a long, comfortable ride, I'm itching for action. Hopefully Tullius will have something for me.

-Thadan

 

We're to head for another camp in Winterhold. No doubt this will be like every other one of these assignments.

This whole business had better wrap up quickly. Lydia insists we focus on the dragons issue, and I'm beginning to think she may be right to do so. This is taking much longer than I'd hoped.

-Thadan

 

I intend to go hunting tonight, if only to stretch my restless legs. Lydia elected to stay at the Inn with Meeko, but Ghorbash is coming with me.

-Thadan

 

Found a bandit camp while following the sound of a dragon. The bandits apparently thought us more of a threat than the dragon, so we had to clear them out before we could focus on the larger foe. Alas, by the time we were finished, the dragon was gone.

Damn. Now our blood is pumping, and we haven't the outlet we'd expected.

-Thadan

 

"That is quite the habit you've got," Ghorbash said, nodding toward my journal. "I thought I'd be much more frustrated with it by now."

"You're not?" Most companions I've had thus far have found it... annoying. Delphine, for example, and Aela. A waste of time. They wonder why I don't wait until I'm home to write, but I know by that time I'll have forgotten.

"No. I find it..." He paused, grasping for words. It's too dark to be certain, nearly midnight, but I suspect his cheeks grow dark. "I'm reluctant to call someone of your stature and strength 'cute,' so perhaps 'endearing' is the word I'm looking for."

Cute. Haven't heard that since I was a child.

I very nearly kissed him, sat around the barely-warm, smoking mass that used to be the bandits' fire. I am still tempted to do so.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 23rd, 4E 201---

It's early morning and we've arrived back at the Inn to pick up Lydia and Meeko. We're to take a carriage immediately - I needn't sleep, and Ghorbash can sleep on the long ride to Winterhold.

Hunting was largely fruitless. I only saw two deer, both of which were killed by sabre cats before I could get to them. Then, of course, we were attacked by the sabre cats. Skyrim is predictable, if anything.

Never did find that dragon again.

-Thadan

 

I've made an error. Upon asking for directions to the Imperial camp that is to be our destination, I discovered that it lies closer to Dawnstar than Winterhold, the city. I had presumed that was where I was meant to go, instead of Winterhold, the hold. The nomenclature is confusing.

Whatever. We'll take another carriage.

-Thadan

 

It's late, a few hours out from dawn, and we've just arrived in Dawnstar. I asked Lydia and Ghorbash if they'd rather wait 'til morning but they agreed to continue on to the camp instead. Meeko seems similarly upbeat and well-rested.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 24th, 4E 201---

It's nearly morning and we found the camp, after a little trouble finding a way up the mountain. The roads of Skyrim are atrocious and hard to find under all the gods-damned snow, but I suppose I've grown used to it. Doesn't make it any less frustrating.

We're on our way to overtake a Stormcloak fort. I'm aching to see some action.

-Thadan

 

Walking vaguely in the direction I think we're supposed to be going (it probably would have been faster to take a carriage from Dawnstar to Windhelm but alas, too late now) I happened upon a mammoth. I've never seen one without a giant guardian so I decided I'd try to take it on, but when I shot it, it didn't budge. Closer inspection revealed it to be long dead and trapped half in the ice, riddled with dwarven arrows and spears. I collected the arrows, of course. One can never have too many.

The presence of dwarven artifacts had me intrigued - are we close to a ruin? I've found evidence of such, and though Lydia and Ghorbash want to continue the way we're going, I've decided to veer off-course for a moment to investigate the ruins.

May my curiosity not get the best of me.

-Thadan

 

"Do you not remember when you were lost in Blackreach on your own for three days?" Lydia said, and I could hear her concerned frown behind her helmet. "Your track record with dwarven ruins is... questionable at best, my thane."

I've found the door, though. And I'd much rather move forward than backward. I told her she can leave at any time, and that I'll meet her (and Ghorbash, if he so chooses) in Windhelm.

She didn't say anything for a long time, then sighed and acquiesced. We're entering the ruin now.

-Thadan

 

Ah - I forgot to write after the ruin. It was a simple affair, a couple automatons and easily-avoided traps amongst a modest loot. It took us no longer than an hour.

The rest of the morning and early afternoon was spent trying to find our Imperial backup, then storming the fort to take it. Again, simple enough - the Imperials and my companions rushed ahead to take the Stormcloaks head-on, leaving me out in front of the fort at the mercy of the archers. None of them possessed my skill with a bow, and I won all the archer's duels they attempted to engage me in.

During my last such duel, I was suddenly swarmed by Stormcloaks - three men and two women with swords and seemingly no concept of personal space. Now, I've grown used to uncomfortably close-range archery in the past months, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. Still, I managed to take them out while remaining relatively unscathed, if a little startled. They'd certainly caught me by surprise.

While I was catching my breath I scanned the fort for any signs of more Stormcloaks, but instead I spotted Ghorbash, halfway between the fort's entrance and myself, standing still and panting slightly, as if he'd just been running.

"Are there any more?" I asked.

He was quiet for a moment as if parsing my meaning and visibly swallowed, then shook his head. "No, that-" He gestured to the bodies at my feet. "-was the last of them." He cleared his throat. "Damn, Oakwind. That was... impressive."

I smiled a little, kneeling to retrieve my arrows from the bodies and sliding them back into my quiver. "Why, thank you.”

The inside of the fort was empty when we finally entered, and we made short work of freeing the prisoners and looting the place. Now, it's early evening and we're on the road to Windhelm to rest for the evening. In the morning we'll take a carriage to Dawnstar and travel to report to Legate Rikke.

-Thadan

 

Ah, Windhelm. The Inn is so comfortable but the Nords are insufferable. Do they hear themselves?

Lydia, Ghorbash, and I arrived earlier than I thought we would, and I decided to treat us to a warm meal for once. Save for when we stay at Breezehome, we usually sustain off whatever I remembered to cram into my pack before we left. They seemed especially thankful, and I've resolved to try and do this more often.

Once more, Ghorbash has approached the bard to request The Dragonborn Comes. I wish I could find it in me to be annoyed, but instead I am of course endeared.

I won't transcribe our dinner conversation, but it was nice to sit down and talk to them. It's been awhile since we've been able to relax. When was the last time we were in Whiterun? Weeks, at least. We should stop by, soon. Our packs grow heavy but I'm reluctant to leave anything anywhere but home. 

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 25th, 4E 201---

I decided I wanted to find the blacksmith before leaving the city this morning, as I'm still searching for more pieces of ebony armor for Lydia, but instead I happened upon a murder scene. The guards don't have the time or resources to solve the crime - the third in a string of them, terrible business - and though I've more important things to do, I heard the bard and waitresses last night at the Inn discussing it and- well. The fear in their voices was enough to convince me. If I can do anything to help assuage one worry, I'll have done good.

-Thadan

Since joining the Legion, I'm awfully... uncomfortable in Jarl Ulfric's palace. I feel eyes on me from every angle, but instead of the usual curiosity it's outright malice.

I should do my business quickly and leave.

-Thadan

 

The investigation was a little nerve-wracking, but nothing too strenuous. It was simply a matter of following the trail of blood to the killer's lair, picking the lock, collecting evidence, and then using the clues to discover that the court wizard was, in fact, the murderer. I helped escort him to his cell, which he went to with surprisingly little struggle, and now the business is done.

Now, for Dawnstar.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 26th, 4E 201---

It's very late. Lydia and Ghorbash rested on the ride, and I still don't require sleep. We'll continue on to the camp, now that we've arrived in Dawnstar.

It'll likely be dawn by the time we get there, or at least very nearly so.

-Thadan

 

I was just thinking, on the carriage ride, that I hadn't seen a dragon in a couple days. And now, not ten paces away from the carriage, we've fought one.

Dragonrend was indispensable. It's so much easier to hit them when they're stuck on the ground.

-Thadan

 

The camp is gone and AGAIN I've come to the campsite to find Meeko alone in the snow! I must take him home to Breezehome in the morning, poor thing must be freezing and no-doubt starving. Solitude can wait.

-Thadan

 

We'll spend the hours before sunrise at the Inn around the fire, then take the carriage.

-Thadan

 

Spent the day in Whiterun running errands - selling junk and sorting all the things I've collected over the past couple days to put in the correct chest. Finally I have a system that works and I don't have to run all over Breezehome looking for the healing potions or spare arrows.

It's evening now, which means time for supper and then bed. Solitude in the morning.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 27th, 4E 201---

We awoke to a miserable storm over Whiterun that I was all too pleased to be free of, and we once more took the carriage from Whiterun to Solitude. We take so many carriages lately - I miss the long nights walking across Skyrim, though I still hate the cold.

I was promoted to Legate, so now I'm officially Legate Oakwind and of the same rank as Rikke. In, what, a matter of weeks? Days? Perhaps I am as extraordinary as people seem to be making me out to be. Or perhaps the Legion is inept and we entrust our lives to an Empire full of fools. Either seems as likely as the other.

Tullius says we're about to mount our final attack in Eastmarch, and now Lydia, Ghorbash, and I are taking a carriage to Windhelm, then walking to the camp to meet up with Rikke and the others. I'm damned ready for this to be over so we can focus on the dragon threat without petty infighting. We have bigger, fire-breathing problems that must be dealt with posthaste.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 28th, 4E 201---

It's mid morning now that we've arrived in Windhelm. Perhaps we'll have this human nonsense finished by sundown.

-Thadan

 

As we're walking I've seen a mercenary who tried to rope me into helping her do whatever she's been hired to do, whom I politely refused, and a dragon. The dragon seemed uninterested in fighting - alas, it was too far away to notice myself and my party. I suppose I'll count it as a blessing, though I do worry for whatever poor souls it did see.

-Thadan

 

I am growing very frustrated with the system the Legion has going here. I am sent by Tullius from Solitude to some camp all the way across Skyrim, I get orders from Rikke to attack some fort halfway back across Skyrim, and then I head back to Solitude only to be sent back out again. It's exhausting and repetitive. I hope to the gods that this is the final one.

-Thadan

 

Right next to the camp was a dwarven ruin. Usually I am unable to resist the temptation to explore, but I'm frustrated enough that I'm going to simply mark it on my map and continue on. I'll return later, perhaps.

-Thadan

 

I did, in fact, get to fight that dragon I saw. And now I sense a word wall- Oh, well, not just sense. I believe I can see it from here. Perhaps that's what the dragon was doing - guarding it, I mean.

-Thadan

 

It was the second word to Frost Breath. A good find, though to be honest the only shouts I use are Dragonrend and the occasional Unrelenting Force. Still, it's fun to learn new ones. I'll never say no to it.

Plus, a word wall usually signifies good loot nearby. Aside from the gold and gems, the nearby chest also contained an ebony bow! Slower to draw, but it feels considerably more power than my dwarven one. I don't know if I'll switch, but I'm tempted.

-Thadan

Fort cleared out. There were dozens - this time we really did need the help, and the soldiers at our side were indispensable. Now, back to Legate Rikke. Gods.

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 29th, 4E 201---

I do so love these long walks! The people we meet (and the enemies we face) are always different and I don't think I'll ever tire of it.

A couple hours ago, I'd heard a noise and began to move more quietly, listening out for any sign of what was out there in the dark - then, all at once, my vision was engulfed by flame! I stood up straight and turned, eye trained toward the sky searching for the dragon- but a dragon it was not, but a wizard in strange, mismatched armor. Lydia and Ghorbash took him out before I could even draw my bow.

I took his Orcish helmet and gave it to Lydia, though she refuses to wear the armor piece. I suppose I'll keep looking for a full set of ebony for her, but in the meantime I'm a fan of the new helmet. Her face is exposed, for once, which is a welcome sight. No longer is she a faceless steel automaton.

Next, we've just run into my old acquaintance Talsgar the Wanderer! He was friendly and gracious as ever and we spoke about my short time at the Bards' College, and how I should stop by again next time I'm in Solitude (which I predict will be soon, though I doubt I'll have the time). That got Ghorbash listening - a bard, eh? Before I could stop him he'd paid Talsgar 25 gold to sing The Dragonborn Comes. I wish I could say I can't believe it, but alas, I can.

Lydia thought it was hilarious. I am currently not speaking to either of them.

-Thadan

 

I arrived and Rikke immediately started yelling: we're taking Windhelm NOW. It's past midnight and I can tell my companions are tired, but we've an important battle ahead of us. They've assured me that they'll be fine, but of course I can't help but worry.

To Windhelm, and hopefully to the end of this war.

-Thadan


	5. Frostfall 29th (The Battle of Windhelm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entry was long enough I thought it deserved its own entry. I took... a _lot_ of creative liberties.

\---Frostfall, 29th, 4E 201---

I'm moving to a fresh page for this one.

In the distance, as we trekked the last of the road back to Windhelm, I could see a faint glow. Orange-red and angry, I could tell the city was on fire by the smell of smoke and the ever so faint shouting of those still within the city walls. In the dark it was almost beautiful, but it made my stomach turn. Was that orphaned child, Aventus, alright? The bard from the Inn? The Dunmer woman I met the first night I ever visited?

Out front I arrived just in time to listen to General Tullius's speech, barely audible over the shouting of soldiers and the fire crackling and the catapults launching balls of fire at the already burning city. In a rush of movement we all pushed through the doors - that was the last I saw of Lydia and Ghorbash, as I got pushed to the vanguard and they fell back. I could hear them shouting for me but there wasn't much I could do - the Stormcloaks were upon us and I was once more forced into close-ranged combat with only my bow at my disposal.

Time became a blur of fire and shouting and drawing my bow over and over. It was hard enough to aim through the smoke and chaos, and harder still to be sure that my arrows were connecting with Stormcloaks instead of my allies. I hadn't the time to spare a thought for my companions through the rush of blood in my ears and the back of my throat, and suddenly we were at the doors to the Jarl's palace and the sunrise stained the sky bloody overhead.

The rest of the soldiers fell back to allow the General, Legate Rikke, and I push forward. In the empty courtyard before we entered I was able to think - where are Lydia and Ghorbash? Are they alright? Are they even alive?

I quashed the surge of fear that rose in my throat like bile at the thought - we weren't done yet.

Inside, Tullius and Rikke asked for Ulfric Stormcloak's surrender, which even I knew would be a fruitless request. True to my prediction, the Jarl's brother drew his axe and Ulfric drew his sword. Tullius, Rikke, and I dealt with the both of them easily. The famed Ulfric Stormcloak, face of the infamous Stormcloak Rebellion and supposed "true high king" of Skyrim, never had the chance to leave his throne before he was downed.

He requested that I do the honors - that I kill him, as being slain by the Dragonborn would make for a better song.

And, well. I'm nothing if not charitable.

Back outside, Tullius gave a speech to the remaining men. There was more of them left than I'd thought, a testament either to their superior numbers or superior training. I could hardly pay attention - where were my companions? I pushed through the crowd and into the smoldering city, stepping over bodies of felled enemies and allies alike as though they were stones. It felt as if my heart were in my throat and I tasted iron on my tongue. Oh, gods, where in Oblivion were they?

"Thadan!"

Before I could register where the voice had come from I was tackled by a solid and incredible mass of metal, nearly losing my footing.

"Oh, Talos, you're alive!" Lydia shouted, clutching at me as if I'd disappear if she let go. "I couldn't find you and I thought maybe-" She let me go at last, stepping back to hold me at arm's length, armored hands on my shoulders and looking up at me with eyes shining and a small smile. She shook her head, dismissively. "But of course not. You kill dragons every week - an army is nothing to you, right?"

I smiled. "Ulfric Stormcloak is dead. This war is finally finished - at least, our part in it." I pulled her forward and kissed her helmet between and above her eyes, where her forehead hid. "Oh, how relieved I am to see you alive-" I stilled. "Where's Ghorbash?"

Her eyes went wide and she let her arms drop, turning on the spot as if he were nearby. "I don't- I don't know. We got separated-"

I instantly turned away from her, continuing my frantic search - the ground was littered with bodies, and every single one made my heart skip, wondering if it was his. But alas, none were - chainmail and blue-clad Stormcloaks, leather and red-clad Imperials - but no sign of his leather armor.

We looked for- for an hour, it seemed, my heart sinking lower and lower into the pit of my stomach with every passing second. Had his- his body fallen into one of the fires, burned into an unrecognizable pile of ash and warped, red flesh? I began to hope at least, that if he wasn't alive, I could find his body if only to soothe my panic and allow me to properly mourn-

I heard a scrape of metal on stone, faint enough that it didn't seem that Lydia had heard. I followed the sound and it sounded again, seemingly deliberate.

It took a handful of painfully long moments to find the corner, shrouded in part by shadow and dead brush in the cemetery. It was awfully morbid to descend into that pit of dirt and stone, blood and smoke assaulting my senses and stinging my eye, tickling my throat until I felt I would choke on air. I looked around until I saw- there, tucked up against the wall in the shadow next to the door to the Hall of the Dead was Ghorbash, lying silent and motionless. I gasped, closing the distance - the closer I got to him the more clearly I could see the blood pooling in his lap, staining the leather of his chestpiece. He wasn't entirely still - he had his glass mace clutched weakly in one hand, dragging it against the stone wall to his side, his ragged, irregular breaths wheezing out of him through bloodied lips.

I could hardly focus on any of this, eye instead fixed on the arrow protruding from the front of his throat.

"Oh, gods," I breathed, throat growing tight. I fell to my knees at his side, hands outstretched as if to touch him but not quite reaching, fingers shaking. He was dying- if I had been any later, he would already be- I stopped that thought before it could overwhelm me. "Ghorbash, it's me, Thadan." His eyes were closed and his brow furrowed in pain, but it slackened just a bit. "Can you hear me? Can you look at me?"

His lip twitched minutely, but he said nothing and his eyes remained shut. I took a deep breath, willing my hands to stop shaking. The sound of steel boots on stone behind me signalled Lydia's arrival - I realized I'd run off without her.

"Talos! What's-" she started, but I waved a hand in her direction to silence her.

"Ghorbash," I continued. "I'm- I'm going to take the arrow out." I bent to look at the back of his neck without agitating him, and the arrow's head was peeking through his skin there, pushing at the back of his helmet's neck guard, blood-wet steel glinting a little. I winced, swallowed thickly. That was- That was for the best. Easier to push through than to yank out, and it would do less damage. "And then I'll heal you. You remember healing hands? You'll be okay, you're going to be fine-" I was rambling, and I shut my eyes right, breathing. He didn't have time for me to panic. I needed to act.

I reached out with both hands and took hold of the arrow's shaft, agitating it as little as I could but still making him wince and whimper weakly. "I need to break off the base," I explained, hoping he could hear me. "I'm sorry, I know it hurts. Okay, in three, two-" I snapped the wood and his mouth opened as if to scream, but only releasing a pathetic gurgle of blood as more spilled from between his lips.

"Good, good, that part's done-" I was still rambling, damn it, but I couldn't help myself. I could only hope it was comforting. "Now I have to take your helmet off, it's in the way-" I pushed him off the wall with a hand between his shoulder blades and quickly removed his helmet, then laid him back against the wall once more. "Okay, okay, now- er, now, I have to push it through and out the back, and then I can heal you, alright? We're almost done, hold on for me, Ghorbash." I brushed one shaking hand over his forehead, equal parts comforting him and steadying myself.

"I'm sorry, this is going to hurt a great deal," I said, and kissed his forehead as I'd done to Lydia. Then, before I could panic further, I braced one hand on the back of his neck, fingers parted around the exit wound, and with the other I shoved the arrow further through. He choked, gurgled, convulsed, but I forced my attention to the task at hand. The hand at the back of his neck closed around the shaft and the other took its place holding his neck still, and I pulled the broken arrow clean through the other side. His face slackened further, worryingly so, and I dropped the broken arrow instantly, taking his face in my hands.

"No, no, Ghorbash," I whispered, my voice gone. "Stay with me, love, I have you-" My hands began to glow, blinding white magic seeping from my skin into his and I pressed my forehead to his, eyes squeezed shut. He was fine, he'd be fine, I had him-

He continued to choke on his blood, but slowly the gurgles turned into ragged breaths, more and more regular. He moved, sitting up further but I couldn't bring myself to let him go, still healing him until I felt my limited magic ability depleting and then stop

entirely. His hands rose to mirror mine, taking my face between his palms and gently pushing me away. I allowed it, opening my eyes - and I realized they were wet with tears - to meet his as his thumbs swiped the moisture from my cheeks. His pale eyes were wide, awed and fearful.

"I was dead," he said at last, his voice rough. "I- I should be dead."

"Not while I'm alive to save you," I said, surprising myself with my firmness. "Not today, my l- my friend."

Behind me, Lydia laughed - a wet, sudden sound as if she too was crying. "Gods, Thadan-" And I noticed she'd called me by my given name, instead of 'my thane.' "You're- gods. I'm leaving. You two can meet me by the doors when you're done having your moment." She snickered again and left. I felt my cheeks warm 'til they were surely as red as my hair.

I took a deep breath and sat back, dropping my hands as Ghorbash did the same. We stared at each other a long moment, through a pregnant pause neither of us knew how to break, before I cleared my throat and took up his helmet in my hands, preparing to hand it over-

Until Ghorbash took my face between his hands once more and kissed me.

It was a short affair, but- charged, like lightning spreading down my spine into every corner of my being, making me gasp. It ended as quickly as it began and I stared at him, eyes wide.

"I- Thank you, Thadan," he said, plucking his helmet from between my hands and standing, stretching his hand out to help me to my feet. "We shouldn't keep Lydia waiting."

We're sitting on the short wall of the bridge west of the city, allowing myself time to write - as we should have guessed, the carriage driver is nowhere to be found. We'll have to walk to Whiterun. I haven't spoken since we left the city walls. Ghorbash is sitting awfully close but is politely not looking at my journal, despite his curiosity radiating off him in waves at how long this entry is. Lydia is awfully smug.

Gods damn them both.

-Thadan

 

It's storming hard and I've been forced to wear my helmet, if only to keep the water out of my eyes. I keep startling at every sound of thunder, and though it's hard to tell over the rain, I'm certain the others are laughing at me. I hate storms.

-Thadan

 

Accosted on the road by a bandit insisting this were a toll road. I laughed in her face and lied that I hadn't the gold. Several minutes later, she and her comrades are dead and I'm searching the tower they'd been occupying.

-Thadan

 

We're back in Whiterun and it's still storming. Lydia took her dinner up to her room and shows no sign of coming back down, leaving Ghorbash and I alone.

All the smugness he may have had when we left Windhelm had since dissipated. He kept a polite distance, looking as if he felt as out of place as he had the first time we'd brought him to Breezehome. I was still silent - not out of anger, but more of nerves and- and when he kissed me, he hadn't acknowledged the action for whatever it may have meant to him beyond as a token of thanks. I know not what to say, Do I ask what the kiss meant to him, if anything? Do I act as though nothing has happened? Do I insist he take responsibility for the raging torrent inside my head, mirroring the one shaking the stone walls?

Moments after Lydia left, he cleared his throat - whether to get my attention or simply interrupt the silence, I don't know. I continued putting away the loot from the last couple days, emptying my and Lydia's packs without a word. When it became clear that I wasn't going to acknowledge him, he growled something under his breath in a language I didn't understand and stomped over, taking me roughly by the shoulder and turning me to face him.

I didn't much appreciate being treated so roughly and I furrowed my brow both in question and in anger down at him. This close, the difference between our heights was all the more obvious and I felt in part vindicated by it.

His expression shifted rapidly, frustration then confusion then anger. "Are you angry with me?" he asked, scarcely above a growl. "What in Malacath's name is wrong with you? Have I upset you? We should be revelling in the Windhelm victory and instead you haven't looked at me since I-"

"Why did you do it?" I asked. "What did it mean? Because if it was simply an- an impulse of gratitude or-"

He pulled a face as if I'd just said something exceptionally daft. "Are you a fool _and_ a coward, now?" He took a step back from me, running a hand down his face and paused, as if searching for words. "I thought you were simply flustered when we left Windhelm but now I see I've upset you, and I apologize." He took a deep breath, avoiding my eyes. "I have feelings for you, Thadan, and in the excitement of you saving my life I thought you might feel the same. I see now that I was mistaken, and if you wish me to leave-"

Oh, why must he always make me feel so foolish. I gaped at him stupidly for a moment, sure my face was bright red, and covered my mouth to hide my ridiculous smile. I was of course shocked, though perhaps I should not have been. In hindsight it seems silly to think he'd kiss me out of thanks - there was no precedent for it, of course. I digress.

"How long?" I interrupted.

"What?" A low tone of surprise. I had caught him off-guard, his usually gruff expression confused and perhaps vulnerable.

"How long have you had feelings for me?" I asked, and put my hands on his shoulders. "Shall I go first? I was attracted to you the instant I saw you at Dushnikh Yal. How long has it been? Weeks?" Gods, I'm checking now and we met on the 17th of Heartfire. Less than a month and a half ago, and yet...

He stared as though I'd spontaneously sprouted another head, then smiled. "You're ridiculous, Oakwind," he said, then confided that he believes he first felt the beginnings of romantic feelings toward me around the time he and I first left to join the Legion. It feels like months ago, truly- it feels like I've been in Skyrim for a year, not less than half of one.

He kissed me again, long enough this time it was impossible to mistake his meaning. I've invited him to share my bed, though I suppose what that entails is for another entry. Or perhaps not for an entry at all.

Tomorrow, I must talk with Lydia and Ghorbash and consult previous entries to decide where to go next. After such a day as today, I feel awfully off-kilter. I believe it may be time to stop the dragon problem.

-Thadan


	6. Frostfall, 30th - Sun's Dusk 3rd

\---Frostfall, 30th, 4E 201---

It's still storming. Damn.

Today I'll run errands as I always do in Whiterun, then sit down in Breezehome with the others and figure out what to do.

-Thadan

 

Procured an ebony ingot with which to improve my bow, then left the city to go hunting in the wide-open nothing out in front of the city to test it out. Happened to run into one of those curious, paddle-tailed dragons. With the help of Dragonrend and a nearby giant, it was dead in minutes. I like the ebony bow. Imagine if I'd been using my better, sharper Elven arrows as opposed to my usual dwarven ones. Incredible.

-Thadan

 

Discovered a shrine to Stendarr in the wilderness, and a cave. I haven't gone exploring alone like this in a long while and part of me wishes to go back for Lydia and Ghorbash, but I'm reminded of Blackreach. Yes, it was frustrating and perhaps frightening to be lost and alone, but the thrill and challenge of surviving on my own is something I miss. I'll brave this one on my own.

Besides, it could be empty. No cave in Skyrim has ever been empty, to my knowledge, but perhaps this is the first.

-Thadan

 

Scratch that. Judging by the blood outside and the cages dangling from the ceiling in the entrance, this is certainly not an empty cage. Onward!

-Thadan

 

Seemed to have been a vampire and a pair of skeletons. I nearly missed the hidden door inside one of the caskets mounted on the wall. Oh, if only it were such a small quest.

-Thadan

 

It didn't take long to find the cave's only other occupants - a piss-poor archer and the master vampire. It didn't take much longer to take them out.

What is going to take a long time is the walk back to Whiterun. I didn't realize how far I'd wandered.

-Thadan

 

Alright, it's late but I'm finally home and I've a plan for the next couple days.

I spoke to Jarl Balgruuf and, now that the Stormcloaks have been dealt with, he's more than agreeable to allowing me to use Dragonsreach for its intended purpose. My next step must be to High Hrothgar to inquire with the Greybeards or Paarthurnax how, exactly, I am to call upon a dragon to capture and interrogate. I still haven't taken Lydia to the steps and I've taken neither she nor Ghorbash up them. She's excited to see the Throat, though less excited to take the steps. There are a thousand of them, so I don't blame her. Though, they feel like nothing to me now, with how many times I've traversed them. I'm excited to spend all that time with the two of them, just walking.

Tomorrow, before we go, I intend to craft myself a new set of leathers. This set is the same I've had since I first arrived in Riverwood and they've taken quite the beating. Also, I'm fairly certain (though not completely sure) I didn't use grand soul gems to enchant the pieces, which I now own in spades, so I intend to craft and enchant a full set of armor. It may take all day, and we thus will not be able to leave until the following day.

Lydia pulled me aside before bed, after Ghorbash was already upstairs, and we stepped outside to have a private word. It's finally stopped raining, thank the gods.

"You know the inner walls are wood, yes?" she said, and I furrowed my brow and nodded. "Wooden, and not made of stone. They're rather thin walls, Thadan. My room is very close to yours. Are you picking up my meaning?"

A wave of awful embarrassment overtook me. Ghorbash and I... had not thought about that, last night. "Sorry," I said, and she rolled her eyes with a half smile.

"Congratulations, my thane," she said, sardonic. "Next time, perhaps be more mindful. Or give me warning so I may spend the night at the Inn instead."

I laughed, still sheepish. "Of course."

-Thadan

 

\---Frostfall, 31st, 4E 201---

I can't tell what time it is as the sky is dreadfully grey, but I've finished enchanting my new armor and running errands, so now I intend to store my old leathers and then we'll leave for Ivarstead.

-Thadan

 

We're taking a different route than usual - I usually go to Riverwood, then through Helgen back toward Ivarstead, but this time I've elected to follow the road signs from Whiterun. Along the way we were accosted by an argonian insisting I give him ten thousand gold, who refused to listen to reason and now lies dead by the road, and now I've just found a set of stairs I've never seen before leading up the mountain.

Lydia insists we leave it for now, but as always my curiosity has gotten the best of me. We're on our way up now.

-Thadan

 

There was a young Nord man waiting inside, frightened out of his wits and begging for help. Apparently this is his family's ancestral tomb, and a "filthy dark elf" necromancer is inside defiling the bodies.

-Thadan

 

We've just stepped out of the stale air of the tomb into the night - it took the rest of the day to clear the tomb of draugrs and kill the necromancer. It was fun, and Golldir's sincere gratitude more than made up for the lost time. If only we'd come soon enough to save his aunt, who'd gone in before him and perished at the hands of the draugr.

Golldir asked if he could accompany Lydia, Ghorbash, and I, but I had to turn him down. While he seemed capable enough, I truly do not need another close-range warrior following me around. What with Ghorbash, Lydia, and Golldir, I could hardly get a shot in on any draugr I didn't notice first. A wall of armored backs is perhaps nice if I'd like to hide behind them and let them do the work for me, but I relish being part of the action. Any more than the three of us (and occasionally Meeko) is too much.

Now, to Ivarstead for the night, and Hrothgar in the morn.

-Thadan

 

We've arrived in Ivarstead and it's the middle of the night, I'd guess. I rented a room at the Inn with two beds and told Lydia and Ghorbash to rest, as they'll need their strength. I'm sat at the table by the fire - I told them I'd rent another room for myself when I'm finished writing, as I don't wish to disturb them.

I've yet to tell them that, since I became a werewolf, I do not tire, nor do I gain any restful feeling from sleep. We really must return to Jorrvaskr to discuss a cure with the Companions. Since I will be sat here for a couple hours, I should go through this journal and list every little errand and quest that I've consented to, or that I've been requested to help with.

Ah, first, I want to speak about the walk here from Whiterun. We haven't walked together for such a distance in what feels like a long time, and I found it refreshing to be alone with none but the beautiful landscape and my friends, no war on our minds or horrors to contend with. Much of the walk was in silence, of course, comfortable without speaking.

It was not all silence, however. The others asked questions about Hrothgar, the Greybeards, and Paarthurnax. Lydia seems wary of Paarthurnax, though if my only encounter with dragons was them shouting fire down from the heavens I'd be wary as well. Ghorbash, as always, takes everything in stride and with a hunger for adventure and the unknown I've seen in very few. It's something we have in common, and something I love about him.

Once the questions started, they didn't stop. Lydia asked Ghorbash about his time in the legion (before we met him, of course) and at Dushnikh Yal, and he in turn asked about growing up in Whiterun and working with the Jarl. Lydia asked me about Valenwood and I told her about Minulain, about growing up in the graht-oak and making my name as a hunter, and explained to her the details of the Green Pact when she seemed confused at a passing reference. Then she asked why I ever left, and I realized I'd only ever told Ghorbash the story about my brother, my eye, and then of my leaving to Cyrodiil and then Skyrim, so I fished this journal out of my pack and began reading the story aloud as we walked.

When I finished, she whistled. I expected some sort of condolence or question, but instead she said, "Your autobiography is going to read like a novel, won't it?" she said, half a joke in her voice. "That sort of thing makes me believe you would have been well suited for the Bard's College, if you'd decided to quit this Dragonborn business."

I laughed. "I suppose, though it doesn't rhyme well enough to be a song."

"That's what you need the college for. You have the stories, they have the songsmiths. A perfect match if I've ever seen one." She snorted. "When you were there did you have to sing? I imagine it's part of the initiation, singing a song to show your voice. Did you sing one in common or bosmeris?"

Ghorbash expressed his shock at myself having been part of the Bard's college, but I insisted I hadn't had to sing. It's all recorded here - I arrived and they sent me to fetch parts of a poem for someone else to sing. I never had to sing a word, common or otherwise. I told them that, even if it had been required, I wouldn't have been able to. I know no songs in common (though perhaps I could blunder through The Age of Aggression or The Dragonborn Comes, with how many times I've heard it by now) and I haven't spoken Bosmeris in months.

"Excuses, excuses," Ghorbash insisted. "I haven't spoken Orcish in a year but I can still-" He switched language mid-sentence to what I presumed to be Orcish, voice dropping low and gravelly and beast-like.

Lydia seemed delighted by the show, and turned that delight onto me where it morphed into mischievousness. "Come on, Thadan, just a little."

If only to stop her asking, I paused, trying to remember anything in Bosmeris. Gods, it had been a long time - but after a long moment I managed to recall a blessing Valas, Falaen, Synar, and I used to say before we left on a hunt. I won't transcribe it here, as I definitely cannot recall Bosmeri script enough to spell anything but my own name, but in short it called upon Y’ffre to guide and protect us in the forests.

Still Lydia insisted that I sing, but try as I might, I couldn't remember anything in Bosmeris and though Ghorbash insist I join in on his (terrible) rendition of The Dragonborn Comes, I steadfastly refused to sing in common. Lydia did join him, however. For several rounds. Very loudly. I have a sneaking suspicion they both sneaked away a couple bottles of mead into their packs.

'Til tomorrow.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 1st, 4E 201---

It's growing dark on the carriage back to Whiterun and I've finally found time to write.

A long day of walking - up the steps, up to the Throat, back down to High Hrothgar, then back down the steps. It took most of the day, not to mention this carriage ride. Lydia and Ghorbash are both rightfully exhausted, the former barely keeping her eyes open and the latter asleep with his head in my lap.

Paarthurnax told us that every dragon's name is a Shout - something that was a surprise but maybe should not have been, considering their names' three-part nature (Paar-thur-nax, Al-du-in). He said I should Shout a dragon's name (particularly Odahviing) and something about Odahviing's prideful, rash nature will not be able to resist the challenge that is my voice. He will come.

Now, a good night's rest in Breezehome. Tomorrow we summon a dragon.

-Thadan

  
  
  
  
  


\---Sun's Dusk, 2nd, 4E 201---

Odahviing was easily overcome and trapped, and gave up Alduin's location easily. There is, however, a problem - without the ability to fly, there is no way I can get to Skuldafn. Odahviing has offered to fly me there in exchange for his freedom, and I suppose I must take the offer. I see no other way forward.

Lydia and Ghorbash wish me to refuse. They wish to find another way, worried about what may become of me if I go in alone. I, too, am worried, but with Dragonrend and sufficient supplies I believe I can defeat Alduin once and for all.

It's mid-afternoon now, and I've just finished preparing my belongings and said my goodbyes to Lydia and Ghorbash. It's strange - this isn't the first time I've gone out on my own, but I suppose this is the first time the distance between us is more than a day's walk, and the first time it was planned. Every other time was a hunting afternoon gone a little sideways, not hunting the World Eater.

Lydia embraced me tightly, her armor's sharp edges nearly cutting through my new leather, murmuring something like a prayer. "Be safe, my thane. We won't be there to draw enemy fire."

"Of course," I said. "Don't be so grim! It's just the lord of dragons. I've beaten him before."

"Not on his own territory," she pointed out.

Once she was done with me, I turned to Ghorbash, who was eyeing Odahviing with wary, frustrated scrutiny.

"Damned thing looks big enough to carry the three of us," he grumbled. "I don't see why you have to go alone."

"I'm sure he has his reasons," I said, taking his hands in mine. His shoulders sagged at the contact. "I'll be home as soon as I am able."

"You'd damn well better be," he said, looking around at the gathered guards and the Jarl, not so far away. I realize now he may have been nervous - we had never been affectionate around anyone but each other and Lydia, in private. Still, he steeled himself and leaned up and forward to kiss me, company be damned.

"Don't die just because we're not there to protect you," he murmured, close enough I could feel his lips moving.

"I'll be back before you know it, love," I replied and kissed him again, before letting go of his hands and stepping away to write.

Now, I'm to mount Odahviing and leave for Skuldafn. Gods be with me.

-Thadan

 

I'm in Skuldafn. Thus far I've fought a dragon and a handful of draugr. I don't want to take too much time to write, so I will only update if something important happens I don't want to forget, or I will wait until I am save back in Whiterun.

-Thadan

 

There are so many of those rare draugrs familiar in the ways of the Voice. Luckily I've been quiet and quick enough to take them on one at a time.

It's growing dark. How long have I been here?

I've found what seems to be a main entrance - a massive triangular door of dark metal engraved with dragons and fire. There's a sound like a strong wind or rushing water, and upon stepping back I can see a sort of- a torrent of colored light spewing from the top of the structure. A curious phenomenon if I've ever seen one, and perhaps my intended destination.

Odahviing said Alduin is in Sovngarde - the Nord afterlife realm, if I remember correctly. It seems ridiculous and otherworldly, but I suppose that if where I must go. If the light stream leads anywhere, I'd suppose Sovngarde would be fitting.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 3rd, 4E 201---

Spiders and more draugr and puzzles. Now at another double door. I feel myself growing restless - every part of me is tense with anticipation, anxious of the uncertainty before me.

-Thadan

 

Wandering an empty room, I heard a draugr breathing, old bones creaking, and I drew my bow and took another look but the room was empty.

Then I noticed a small window in the stone and saw the draugr staring directly at me, eyes glassy and unseeing. Scared the life out of me - I nearly dropped my bow in my haste to shoot.

-Thadan

 

A cavernous room, skeletons in thrones, iron cages hanging from the ceiling, a word wall opposite singing to me. Is this just the damp chill of the cavern or fear?

-Thadan

 

The word meant "storm" - could I use it to summon a storm? Why would I do that? I do hate storms.

-Thadan

 

Fought a masked spirit flanked by two massive, sleeping dragons of fire and ice. They did not wake, and I used the spirit's staff to activate a seal on the ground. The light-stream I'd seen before had died with the spirit, but once I activated the seal the ground from which it had flowed crumbled in on itself in a way I cannot find the words to describe. I stepped into the light and now I am... elsewhere. Is this Sovngarde? It looks like the northern reaches of Skyrim, all snow and trees and mountains and those beautiful streaks of colored light on the starry sky.

Wasn't it daylight before? Where am I? Is it always night here, or did my travelling in the light take hours?

-Thadan

 

I've just looked up. The heavens are a circle, a bright sun-moon in the center surrounded by color and clouds and stars all at once. It's ethereal and more beautiful than anything I've ever seen.

This must be Sovngarde.

-Thadan

 

The deed is done.

I traversed the thick fog of Sovngarde to find Shor's Hall, fought the shield-thane to gain entry, and together with the spirits of those who opposed Alduin in the vision given to me by the Elder Scroll, we cleared Alduin's mist and killed him once and for all.

I'm back in the land of the living, though I was left at the Throat of the World. Paarthurnax and dozens of dragons surrounded me on the peak, a snowstorm raging, though whether natural or conjured by the beating of their many wings, I know not. Paarthurnax says he will try to reunite the dragons under his own, more peaceful rule, but Odahviing says he doubts any would be keen on the "tyranny of his Way of the Voice."

I can't tell what time of day it is, what with the storm. Presently I'm taking shelter in High Hrothgar to write before I begin the walk down the steps. I will perhaps walk back to Whiterun. I wish, not for the first time, that I could properly tire and rest, as I'd prefer to take a long rest in Ivarstead, but I have as much energy now as I did when I left.

Once back in Whiterun, after Lydia, Ghorbash, and I celebrate, we must look into curing my lycanthropy. I have found no reason to shift since my initial transformation, and I find the slightly improved senses of smell and hearing to be wanting as a way to make up for the constant restlessness. I want to sleep again.

-Thadan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally writing for this again! I missed it :)
> 
> I've also just started another character, and with her, another journal. I may start posting that one as well.


	7. Sun's Dusk 4th - Sun's Dusk 16th

\---Sun's Dusk, 4th, 4E 201---

It's past midnight and Breezehome is silent. Meeko is asleep by the dying fire and scarcely stirred as I set my pack down by the door, hanging my bow and quiver on the weapon rack.

The stairs scarcely creaked as I took them up. I could hear Lydia snoring as I opened the door to my room as quietly as I could.

Alas, not quiet enough. Ghorbash jolted awake, sitting up in the dark.

"Who- Lydia?" he whispered, striking a match to light one of the bedside candles.

"Not quite," I replied as the fire sputtered to life. It took him a moment for his eyes to adjust, and then a look of pure relief overtook his features.

"Thadan," he said. "You've returned."

I began shirking my armor, setting my journal, quill, and ink on the table. "I told you I wouldn't be long. I would have been back sooner, if Odahviing had taken me back to Whiterun instead of leaving me at the Throat-"

"Wait, you were at the Throat?"

"I just walked back. I found an abandoned horse halfway, which shortened the trip."

"Gods," he breathed. "You must be exhausted. Whatever you need to write-" He gestured at my journal. "-can wait for the morning. Come rest."

I snorted, wry. "I wish I were tired. Tomorrow we must revisit Jorrvaskr to ask about a cure to lycanthropy. I haven't felt tired or rested since I was changed."

He was quiet for a time, and I sat down to write. "Ah. That explains your stamina. I haven't seen you sleep since, have I?"

"Probably not, no. I've slept a couple times, but more to make the time pass more quickly so we can get moving again. I'm more than ready for a night's rest."

-Thadan

 

I'm at Jorrvaskr, but no one will entertain talk of a cure until their own problems are dealt with. I recall Aela requesting I kill the head of the Silver Hand, and after I spoke with her for a moment, I suppose that is where we're headed.

Yesterday I killed the World Eater, today I must kill a man. Truly, I cannot rest.

-Thadan

 

I've gotten a little lost. It's very late and I'm still not sure how exactly to get to where the Silver Hand leader is, but I did find an ancient structure protected by ghostly guards insisting "I don't want to do this!" Curiosity piqued, we're heading inside.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 5th, 4E 201---

It's dawn and after a long night of mountain climbing and fighting a dragon and two cave bears (simultaneously) and a frost troll, we've finally found our destination.

-Thadan

 

The Silver Hand hideout was simple business. We're now to take a carriage from Rorikstead back to Whiterun to report to Aela.

-Thadan

 

A group of remaining Silver Hand have found a fragment of Wuuthrad, Ysgramor's legendary battleaxe (I neglected to mention to her that I met Ysgramor whilst in Sovngarde. Would she have believed me if I told her?). Apparently they're nearby, so though Lydia and Ghorbash rested on the carriage ride, I'm dropping them off at Breezehome to go on my own.

Or, well, I'd intended to.

"No way," Ghorbash said, frown more pronounced than usual. "I'm coming with you."

"Ghorbash, we were up all night-"

"I'm fine. Let's go," he insisted. "My blood's calm. I prefer it boiling."

Lydia had no such arguments, and was already in her room by the time he said that. I sighed and acquiesced. We'll leave after supper.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 6th, 4E 201---

I thought this cave was familiar! This is the same cave where I met with the Alik'r all those weeks ago.

The Wuuthrad fragment in tow and cordial words exchanged with the Redguards (including receiving thanks for clearing out the Silver Hand at the front of the cave), Ghorbash and I are heading back to Whiterun now.

-Thadan

 

Saw a strange, glowing tree in the center of a giant camp. I tried to approach and investigate but nothing makes me nervous like getting too close to giants or their mammoths. I know, if I should have to, I can dispatch them easily, but I get nervous anyway.

-Thadan

 

As we walked the road toward Whiterun I saw a glow in the distance - bright blue-white and moving quickly. Without a word I began sprinting after it, leaving Ghorbash trailing behind with hissed words of confusion.

The spirit - for that is what it was - was of a man on horseback, headless and with a great battleaxe strapped to his back. I tried to shout but it didn't turn, and even when I got close enough to speak normally it didn't respond.

It led me a long ways, north of Whiterun, to a collection of graves and sarcophagi. Three skeletons emerged from the dark to attack, and as I approached the main upright sarcophagus (and the large chest at its side) it slid open and a draugr stepped out, brandishing a sword.

All were dead and I was picking the lock on the chest when Ghorbash finally arrived, panting.

"Thadan, what was that?" He managed to say between breaths.

"I don't know," I said. "Headless horseman. I assume the draugr wasn't his body - it still had a head, and a sword instead of an axe- oh!" Hundreds of gold coins, enchanted Dwarven armor - certainly worth a couple broken picks and a lack of breath.

He shook his head, perhaps bemused. "You couldn't warn me? Or walk? I doubt the skeletons-" He kicked one of the ribcages on the ground. "-would have run off if you were late."

I shrugged. "I didn't want to lose the horseman. I think I saw him a couple days ago- I know I saw something similar on the road- but I didn't chase it then."

"Fair enough." He sighed, leaning against a grave and still breathing heavily. "Could we, ah... rest for a while? Not all of us are werewolves with impossible stamina."

"Of course," I said, perhaps a little sheepish. I hadn't meant to exhaust him so.

We'll leave once he's ready.

-Thadan

 

_ [Thadan tucks his journal, quill, and ink away and leans against the same grave as Ghorbash, shoulders touching. Their fingers intertwine and Ghorbash's breathing evens out after a stretch of silence. _

_ The night is peaceful, sounds of nature a comfortable white noise. The air is crisp but not quite cold - winter is on its way but not quite there. It's a moment of peace unlike any they've yet shared, in the not-quite-quiet. _

_ Rubbing his thumb over the back of Ghorbash's hand, Thadan sighs in contentment and leans more heavily into Ghorbash. Ghorbash looks up to catch Thadan's eyes in time to see them close as he leans in to kiss Ghorbash, tender and slow under the stars. _

_ Ghorbash's free hand rises to cup Thadan's neck, then his jaw. The kiss deepens as if on its own and their mouths open together, breaths mingling and misting just slightly in the night air. Thadan disentangles their fingers to put his hand on Ghorbash's waist, guiding him into Thadan's lap for the better angle. _

_ With a smile against Thadan's lips, Ghorbash pulls away. Thadan wonders how they went so long without being together like this - now that he's had Ghorbash he never wants to let him go. If he could stop all time he would if only so this moment would last forever. _

_ "I thought I was catching my breath, yet here you are, stealing it away again," Ghorbash jokes, hands on either side of Thadan's jaw, then sliding to rest on his shoulders. "We should go home." _

_ Home. The word lights a fire as warm as a hearth in Thadan's core and he leans close, nosing under Ghorbash's jaw to feel his quickened pulse under his lips. Home - their home, together. Thadan and Ghorbash and Lydia and Meeko, their bizarre, makeshift little family. The fire surges into his throat and for a moment he is overcome by an emotion he can't vocalize. _

_ Instead, he kisses a mark into Ghorbash's throat until he's gasping. "Thadan- Thadan, stop, not out here," he says, voice thick with lust. "Let's go." _

_ Thadan smiles against his skin and places a chaste kiss on the darkened skin. "Apologies, my love," he says, hands letting go of Ghorbash's waist as he sits back, allowing him to stand (visibly uncomfortable in his armor - Thadan isn't much better off when he stands in turn). _

_ "No need to apologize," Ghorbash says, taking Thadan's hand in his and squeezing. "We'll continue this at home." _

_ Thadan's responding grin is wolfish. "Of course."] _

 

We arrived back at Breezehome at dawn and practically raced to the bedroom. We had... a heated moment as we sat and waited for Ghorbash to catch his breath which we postponed until we arrived home. I tried to remain quiet and urged he do the same, as I could hear Lydia snoring in the next room, but after several minutes we heard an annoyed groan through the walls.

"Thadan! I asked for warning!" she complained loudly.

I froze, unsure what to do. Ghorbash and I shared a look and, after an instant, dissolved into giggles.

"Sorry!" I called back. I heard her door open and her heavy booted footsteps take the stairs. "I, er, didn't want to wake you." Ghorbash had gone silent, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

"Well you did a fine job of it!" she called, slamming the front door shut behind her. It took Ghorbash and I a significant amount of time to get over our fit of laughter and continue our... activities.

Now, I've left him to rest while I deliver the fragment of Wuuthrad to Jorrvaskr.

-Thadan

 

Aela directed me to Kodlak, who has given me a task - seek out the witches who, hundreds of years ago, cursed the Companions to have the beast blood. He says if I bring back their heads, he may begin the process of the cure. I am hopeful.

I'll leave in the evening, after I ask Lydia and Ghorbash whether they wish to come.

-Thadan

 

No ebony in Riverwood, blast. I sold the rest of my haul from the graveyard last night and I finally sold all my Dwarven arrows, since I've enough Elven ones to use those exclusively as I attempt to collect more glass ones.

I'll go hunting for a while, then back to Whiterun

-Thadan

 

Both Lydia and Ghorbash are coming with me, both saying the day in town was rest enough for another long night.

It's dusk and we're to leave immediately.

-Thadan

 

Just happened across an injured Nord outside a cave, speaking of his comrades being attacked by Spriggans. After healing his wounds, Lydia and I are heading inside the cave to see if we can help the others. Ghorbash is staying outside with the Nord to keep watch.

-Thadan

 

The man's friends were dead but I cleared out the spriggans and pair of cave bears, with Lydia's help of course. Actually, she fought the bears on her own. Incredible, really. In thanks, the Nord gave me his lucky dagger. Not sure what use I'll have of it but I appreciate the sentiment.

Alas. Onward.

-Thadan

 

Happened upon quite the comical scene just now, on the trail.

I noticed the dead and stripped bodies before I noticed the others - three people (an Orc, Dunmer, and Breton) all dressed in ill-fitting Imperial armor. The Orc, acting as leader, said we were intruding on Imperial business and that I ought to pay him 100 gold.

I nearly laughed in his face. "I'm in the Imperial Legion, and I'm damn sure you're not."

Of course they attacked, of course they're dead now. And now we continue.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 7th, 4E 201---

It's just past daybreak and the witches are dead. Heads collected and loot gathered (found ebony gauntlets for Lydia in a chest!), we're to take the long trek back to Whiterun.

-Thadan

 

Found a pair of children talking about (and trying to sell to me) bits of Dwarven junk. One of them marked the location of the ruin on my map (for a fee of a single septim). I bought a piece of metal off him because I'm weak-hearted, and I'm going to accompany them to their next location, Rorikstead. I don't see any parent or guardian nearby and I'd hate for them to be attacked.

From there we can take a carriage to Whiterun. I can tell the others are tired.

-Thadan

 

We've arrived and it's mid-afternoon. Lydia and Ghorbash rested but didn't sleep on the ride here, so I'll let them head home while I report to Jorrvaskr.

-Thadan

 

Vilkas cornered me when I entered Jorrvaskr. While I was gone, the Silver Hand attacked the hall. Kodlak is dead.

We're to wipe out the chief Silver Hand camp. Vilkas is coming with me. I'd rather this be over with quickly. Loathe as I am to admit it, but I move faster on my own.

I'll leave soon. Ghorbash and Lydia are resting at home - I'll leave them a note explaining.

-Thadan

 

Just as we got into the carriage to Dawnstar (the nearest city to the camp) it began to pour rain. What luck.

I've not spoken to Vilkas much - most of my dealings with the Companions have been through Aela and the late Skjor and Kodlak. He seems decent enough, handsome and personable and talented with a blade that likely weighs twice what my bow does.

He's twitching with impatient energy as I write this, hands flexing on bouncing knees. "Does this thing go any faster?"

"Not in this weather," the driver said, and Vilkas huffed in frustration.

Instead of badgering the driver further, he turned his attention on me, writing this entry. His face screwed up in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"Writing."

"Writing what?"

"Journal," I said. He reached over and snatched it from me. I'd just finished speaking about him and his blade. Any good humor drained from me instantly. "Hand it back, it's personal."

His eyebrows were nearly in his hairline. "'Handsome and personable and talented with a blade that likely weighs twice what my bow does,'" he read aloud. "You're too kind, Oakwind."

"Vilkas-"

He continued flipping through its pages. "'No visit to Dawnstar is complete without a dragon attack, is it?'" He huffed a half-laugh. "Talos, I hope not. We've enough to deal with."

I reached across and snatched it back from him. "Please refrain from taking my things," I said with perhaps more venom than I intended. "The dragon problem is dealt with. No need to worry." I haven't seen nor heard one since I returned from Sovngarde. A guard in Whiterun a couple days ago told me one was seen nearby but I'm hoping his information is out of date. Should they all be gone? Are there stragglers?

"What does that mean, it's 'dealt with?'" he asked, genuine curiosity plain on his face. He made no move to take the journal and I continued writing.

"I mean I travelled on dragon-back to Sovngarde to kill the World Eater," I said, deadpan. "Dealt with."

He was quiet after that.

-Thadan

 

\---*The Note, pt. 2*---

Lydia, Ghorbash-

The Silver Hand attacked Jorrvaskr and Kodlak Whitemane is dead and all the fragments of Wuuthrad are gone. We're to take the fight to their chief camp. I'll be back as soon as I'm able.

He may have been my only chance at curing my lycanthropy. More than that, he was a good man and a prominent figure. We'll avenge him.

Yours,

Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 8th, 4E 201---

We've just arrived in Dawnstar, maybe hours before dawn. Vilkas is leading the way to the camp.

I hope this business is over with quickly.

-Thadan

 

I recognize this temple! It's the same one where that Dunmer priest and I defeated Vaermina. The Silver Hand have a way of finding places I'm already familiar with, it seems.

-Thadan

 

I was mistaken. Wrong temple. We've corrected our course.

-Thadan

 

It was more challenging than I'd foreseen and I do wish I had brought Ghorbash, at least, but we cleared out the camp. Inside the scene was grotesque - werewolves alive and dead in cages, blood smeared on the stone, a torture room full of bones. The Silver Hand are - were- absolutely ruthless.

We've recovered the fragments of Wuuthrad, so now we'll head back to Dawnstar then back to Jorrvaskr.

-Thadan

 

It's late evening and we're back in Whiterun. I intend to go straight to Jorrvaskr.

-Thadan

 

We had Kodlak's funeral and I delivered all the fragments of Wuuthrad to Eorlund, the blacksmith. I met with the Circle in the underforge just as Aela and Vilkas were arguing.

Vilkas was speaking of how Kodlak wanted to be cured - wanted his soul to go to Sovngarde, not be tainted as it is to be trapped eternally in Hircine's realm. Aela argued that the beast blood isn't such a curse as Vilkas believes, but agreed that Kodlak deserved the cure he so desired. She said he spoke of a way to posthumously cure him - something involving Ysgramor's tomb, though we'd need Wuuthrad whole in order to even enter.

Then, with impeccable timing, Eorlund steps into the underforge with Wuuthrad strapped to his back, in one piece once more. He handed the thing off to me and we're leaving now for the tomb. Benefits of the beast blood - none of us need rest to prepare for the trials ahead, ha.

I've just dropped off some stuff I intend to sell later at Breezehome (quietly, of course - Lydia and Ghorbash are asleep and, I imagine, upset with me). Hopefully we can cure my own lycanthropy as well as Kodlak's.

-Thadan

 

I'll ride Nilana to Winterhold, the closest city to the tomb. I forgot to deliver the lexicon to Septimus Signus last time I was there so I'll see if I can do that while I'm that far north.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 9th, 4E 201---

I found and followed another headless horseman, encountered as I rode toward Windhelm. It led me back to the same graveyard as the last one, so I don't think I'll follow any more if I see them.

That's several hours wasted. Fantastic.

-Thadan

 

Attacked by bandits and found a strange forge inside their base. Something perhaps worth investigating later.

It's dawn now, blast. I won't be in Winterhold 'til after noon.

-Thadan

 

I shouldn't have left Lydia and Ghorbash.

I've long lost sight of the Companions and now I'm alone in the cold with Nilana, snow falling so fiercely I can hardly see the road before me. I long for their company.

-Thadan

 

Delivered the lexicon to Septimus, and now he's tasked me with collecting blood from all Mer - Altmer, Dunmer, Bosmer, Orsimer, and Falmer - to somehow open it. I offered my own blood, to at least get Bosmer out of the way, but he insisted the donors be dead. That leaves Ghorbash out as well.

As I attempted to leave, there was- I was filled with a sort of eldritch terror as I discovered the doorway was blocked by something black and violet, swirling light and color. I felt somehow colder the closer I got to it.

It spoke to me, introducing itself as Septimus's Lord - the Daedric Prince Hermaeus Mora, "knower of the unknown." He (it?) told me that my help to Septimus has all but rendered him obsolete as an emissary, and once the lexicon is opened at last, I am to take his place. I refused, of course; speaking to Septimus moments earlier, he'd revealed he'd had to commit murder and spread plagues in exchange for knowledge from the Lord. I am uninterested in aiding such a being.

Hermaeus Mora said many others have tried to refuse. "I have broken them all." That line in particular seemed to rattle the very ice around me. Then the swirling mass was gone, and now I may finally leave for Ysgramor's tomb.

What's that, the fifth Daedric Lord now? Sheogorath, Sanguine, Meridia, Vaermina, and now Hermaeus Mora. Gods permit I don't manage to meet them all while here in Skyrim.

-Thadan

 

Vilkas decided to stay back at the entrance, worried about losing himself to the vengeance and grief in his heart. Farkas has just turned back to join him once he saw the frostbite spiders.

Now, only Aela and I remain. It's strange to fight alongside a fellow archer.

-Thadan

 

We were ruthlessly efficient - most enemies fell before they could cross the room to test us, ha! Aela is a talented warrior.

We swiftly cleared room after room until we were in the main burial chamber. In the center of the room burned a blue flame not unlike the one in the Underforge, and behind it stood the ghostly form of Kodlak Whitemane. He bid me welcome and thanked me for bringing honor to the Companions. When I mentioned curing him, he told me to put a witch's head on the fire to break the magic over him.

I did so, and as I did a massive red spirit of a wolf appeared and attacked. I could sense it was Kodlak's, in a way - we had to defeat the beast physically to banish it. Deed done, he thanked me and said that I - and Gods! I was as surprised as Aela was at the news! - that I am to be the new Harbinger of the Companions! I'm in Shock - I tried to refuse but his spirit had faded away before I could get the words, and none of the others would hear a word of it. I hope they don't expect me to hang around Jorrvaskr doling out quests. Perhaps it's simply an honorary title.

Once he was gone, I tossed another witch's head onto the fire and cured myself. Another fight with a spirit wolf, and as it died I felt a split-second of searing cold as if I were cleaved in half by an axe made of ice, then it was gone. I feel... different. Calmer, more subdued. My senses are dimmed and I am so exhausted I feel I may keel over any moment.

I left the tomb, taking Wuuthrad with me as a trophy (I'll hang it back in Jorrvaskr, or perhaps Breezehome). Now I'll head to Winterhold and rest. My first real sleep in over a month!

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 11th, 4E 201---

Once I arrived in Winterhold, I all but threw twenty gold at the innkeeper then promptly fell asleep in the closest bed. When I finally awoke, a woman standing in the doorway shouted, "He's awake!"

The innkeeper told me I'd been asleep for a day and a half. It's... a couple hours before midday. I must be back to Whiterun immediately. Ghorbash and Lydia have got to be worried.

I feel rested for the first time in forever. Thank the gods.

-Thadan

 

Attacked by a dragon, a random rogue Breton, and an Altmer thief before I could even get on the main road. It's as if the Gods don't ever want me to get home.

-Thadan

 

It was midday when I arrived in Whiterun, the sun bright overhead for once. I felt equal parts relief and trepidation as I laid eyes on Breezehome and opened the door.

Meeko was by the fire and, as I entered, began barking excitedly, jumping up to plant his massive paws on my chest. I ruffled his ears affectionately until he dropped back to the ground, tail wagging. I should take him hunting with me more often - he must be sick of Breezehome and Whiterun.

"Welcome back, my thane."

Lydia's tone was colder than perhaps I've ever heard it, at least directed at me. In conjunction with the return of my title, I flinched.

"Sorry," I said immediately. "I didn't mean to be gone so long."

She was stood at the top of the stairs outside her room, dressed in her seldom-seen clothes instead of her armor. Her muscular arms were crossed over her chest and she looked most displeased. "Four days," she said. "And I know you came back three nights ago - I went up to Jorrvaskr yesterday when we'd still seen neither hide nor hair of you and Eorlund said so."

"There was so much happening," I tried to explain. "I was caught up when I returned from the Silver Hand camp, between Kodlak's funeral and the others speaking of a cure for lycanthropy and running to Ysgramor's tomb-"

"I understand," she said. "The spirit of adventure got to you, I get it. You forgot that we are Companions as much as you, werewolves or not. You forgot that we're your friends - Ghorbash more than so - and that we care and worry about you. Especially when what should have been an overnight excursion becomes you going missing for four days. Four days!" She uncrossed her arms to throw them in the air in exasperation. "That's longer than you were lost in Blackreach, Thadan!"

"I meant to be back immediately after I finished at the tomb, I swear to you," I said. "I didn't foresee that curing my lycanthropy would leave me so exhausted. I spent the last day and a half out-cold in an Inn in Winterhold. If I'd known I would have- I don't know, maybe sent a courier, but at it was I was so tired it was all I could do to get back to Winterhold in the first place."

She held my gaze for a long, tense moment in silence, before she sighed and her shoulders sagged. "Fine, you're forgiven," she said. "Next time, wake me up."

"Of course, I'm-"

"I know you are. Thank Talos you're home safe."

"Where's Ghorbash?" I asked. "I need to speak to him, too."

She shrugged. "He left a couple hours ago. He didn't tell me where he was going."

I thanked her and apologized again, and she waved me off. I left Breezehome and stood still, the realization hitting me that I had no clue where Ghorbash might have gone. Every time I'd left town without him and returned, he'd been home. Where in Whiterun did he go while I was gone? It had never occurred to me to ask.

I wandered town for an hour, checking the Inn and shops and asking around, honestly at a loss. There was an uncomfortable, niggling feeling in the back of my mind that perhaps I didn't know him as well as I may have believed.

It was when I was standing in the center of town, amidst the market stalls, turning in circles (and likely looking very silly doing so) trying to think of where he may have gone when there was a tap on my shoulder. I whipped around, hoping against hope that it was Ghorbash - but no, instead before me stood Mikael, the sweet-voiced bard from The Bannered Mare. I stared at him, confused - we'd never spoken, not since one of my first nights in town when I'd requested The Age of Aggression.

"Ah." He seemed to lose whatever he'd meant to say when I actually looked at him and I frowned.

"Yes, Mikael?" I prompted, perhaps impatiently.

"Sorry, I've just realized I don't know your name," he said, blushing. "Embarrassing, seeing as you know mine. Everyone around town just calls you Dragonborn, or the Thane, or elf-"

"Thadan Oakwind," I said, extending a hand to shake. How could I have lived in Whiterun for so long without anyone knowing my given name? I suppose I've never really socialized. Perhaps I should change that.

He took my hand after a moment. "Pleased to, ah, make your acquaintance, Thadan," he said, then shook his head as if to clear it. "Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear when you asked Hulda if she'd seen your Orc friend."

I raised my eyebrows. "Have you seen him?"

He nodded. "I- Yes," he said. "He was asking about work in the Mare - bandit sightings and the like. He was dressed for adventuring. Hulda had been showing someone to their room and didn't see-"

"Where did he go?" I asked, too-quick. "Did you hear?"

"The western watchtower," he said quickly. "Sigurd told him he'd overheard the guards talking about bandits taking it over since it was destroyed by the dragon."

The first dragon I ever fought. I nodded. "Thank you, Mikael."

Before he could respond I had turned and began jogging toward the door out of the city. It didn't take me long to get to the watchtower with Nilana. It was dead quiet and I was worried, until I looked up to see a pair of legs dangling over the edge, leather boots kicking idly. I dismounted Nilana and entered the tower, memories of running up the stairs for the better angle at which to shoot the dragon surfacing in my mind. Now there were bodies of dead bandits strewn about. I've come a long way since then, haven't I? I wouldn't have survived that fight without Irileth and the guards - now I can take on dragons all on my own.

When I stepped out onto the roof, Ghorbash was lying on his back - it had been his legs I'd seen dangling. As I approached he looked up, reaching toward his mace, then when he realized it was me he snorted.

"Took you long enough," he said, looking back at the sky.

"I'm sorry," I said, still standing at a distance. I felt absurdly unwelcome. "I meant to be back sooner-"

"Did you?" he asked. "Because I was beginning to think you didn't care. What does it matter if Lydia and I are worried out of our minds? Whatever bullshit errand you're on is of course more important."

I couldn't help but pout, childishly. "I did. I would have been back two days ago if I hadn't- I cured myself at Ysgramor's tomb, and when it was done I was so tired I slept a day and a half once I got back to town. I woke today just before noon and I arrived back here an hour ago," I explained, feeling uncomfortably like I was making excuses. "I should have sent a courier or bought a carriage, but all I wanted to do was sleep and I wasn't thinking so logically then. I'm sorry to have worried you and Lydia, both. You deserved better."

Ghorbash was quiet for a long moment, then sighed. "Of course you had good reason," he muttered, so low I nearly didn't hear. He spoke louder, "You couldn't have just allowed me to be angry, could you?" There was a hint of a joke in his tone and I felt a significant weight lift off my shoulders.

"You can still be mad, if you want," I said, coming closer. "I can't guarantee you won't have to sleep in your bed roll downstairs if you are, however."

He laughed and I lay at his side, feet dangling off. I reached to take his hand in mine and he let me, entangling our fingers.

After a long silence staring at the rapidly darkening sky, he spoke again. "Please don't do that again," he said softly, as gently as I've ever heard him. I turned to look at his profile and he looked as vulnerable as he sounded. My chest constricted at the sight. "Just- Promise me, Thadan."

I squeezed his hand gently. "I promise," I said.

We lapsed into silence, watching the stars come out in bursts, the moons sliding into position amidst the shimmering violet streaks and black void.

I know not how long we lay there in silence before I heard Nilana whinny impatiently and I sighed. "We should head home, love," I said, and together we rode back to town on Nilana, though she didn't seem so happy about the arrangement.

Gods, it's late now. Ghorbash is fast asleep and here I am, still writing. Goodnight.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk 8th-11th---

When Ghorbash wakes on the dawn of the eighth of Sun's Dusk, he's alone.

He goes downstairs, hoping to see Thadan at the table or sitting by the fire, but instead he sees Lydia. He asks where Thadan's gone and she hands him a note written in Thadan's loopy, elegant script explaining where he'd gone. Ghorbash frowns, but doesn't think too much of it. He supposes it makes sense to go without them while they rested - and he likely had one or more of the other Companions with him, and leaving the note to relieve his and Lydia's worry was perhaps the best choice. Ghorbash is upset at waking without his lover, but it would be fine. Besides - if Thadan left the night before, he'd surely be home later that day.

Except he wasn't.

When it becomes dusk with no sign of Thadan, Ghorbash can't decide if he's more worried or upset. Part of him wants to go looking for him and he gets as far as the stable when he realizes he hasn't a map nor any clue where to go. He pats Nilana's side affectionately then heads back to Breezehome. Surely Thadan would be home that night. Ghorbash goes to sleep, half-convinced he'd wake to find Thadan in bed with him.

He doesn't. He wakes up alone again, and this time Lydia, too, is missing. Just as he begins to suspect Thadan had come home to grab Lydia then left again, she steps through the door looking irate.

He asks what's wrong and she says she was just at Jorrvaskr, asking about Thadan. Eorlund Gray-mane told her Thadan had been in town late last night then left again with Aela, Farkas, and Vilkas. Ghorbash asks if he left a note again and Lydia shakes her head. She's incensed and tells him so, angry that Thadan wouldn't come wake them to bring along, or write a note explaining. After they've been through so much, he owed them the peace of mind, at least. Let them know he's alive. It becomes obvious she's more hurt than angry but Ghorbash doesn't point it out.

Ghorbash feels much the same, frowning. He and Thadan were lovers, friends, partners, but he didn't even leave a note when he left.

When dusk comes, Ghorbash asks the night guard by the entrance to come let him know if Thadan ("Thadan- Thadan Oakwind. The Bosmer who lives in Breezehome. The Thane of Whiterun. The gods-damned Dragonborn.") comes through, and stays up the whole night waiting for that knock on the door. It doesn't come.

He sleeps most of the day on the tenth of Sun's Dusk, asking Lydia to wake him if Thadan comes knocking. He speaks to the guard again and stays up the night, now exceptionally worried (he remembers Blackreach, sitting in that tiny camp with Lydia in the cold, wondering when they should give up and accept Thadan had found his demise underground). He pets Meeko and reads one of the many books lining Breezehome's bookshelves all night. He swears aloud that when he sees Thadan he's going to kill him for making him worry so much and for so long. Meeko, head resting on Ghorbash's thigh, whines in reply.

Thadan still doesn't show. Ghorbash makes the same deal with Lydia as he had the day before and sleeps much of the morning and afternoon. When he wakes and Thadan is still nowhere to be found, he throws and embeds his glass mace in the wall with a frustrated shout.

Lydia laughs downstairs. "My thoughts exactly."

It's early evening and Ghorbash pulls on his armor, takes several health potions and a spare map from Thadan's storage, and yanks his mace out of the wall. He tells Lydia he's going out and, when she asks where to, he shrugs. He declines her offer to join him.

He heads to The Bannered Mare and asks around - any rumors of bandits? vampires? frostbite spiders? draugrs? Anything to get him outside, anything to get his mind off the worry and the anger and the underlying hurt. Someone says something about bandits spotted near the western watchtower, which has been abandoned since it was destroyed by a dragon. He thanks them and leaves.

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 12th, 4E 201---

With my lycanthropy cured, I feel as though I've hit a wall - as though I have nothing more to do. At least, nothing very pressing.

Upon looking at my map (and Gods is it cluttered) I realized - I've been to every hold capital but Falkreath. So that is where we'll go today.

-Thadan

 

I have a lot to write down about today but it's pouring rain and nearly midnight and I've just been enlisted by a talking dog (a talking dog!) to help sort out a disagreement he's had with his master, a Daedric Lord.

Why can't I have a simple day of travel?

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 13th, 4E 201---

Alright, it's nearly midday and we're finally back in Falkreath. Gods, it's been... a day. And a half.

The journey from Whiterun was fairly typical - I was delighted to explore a new region, as apparently (I hadn't even realized!) most of Falkreath Hold is completely unknown to me. I ran into wolves and a spriggan (I've decided I hate the beasts - their buzzing and habit of turning invisible combine to scare the life out of me), and finally happened upon Falkreath.

I'm not sure what I expected, but this wasn't it. It's fairly small and completely obsessed with death, apparently having been built around the graveyard. It reminded me of the... anticlimax of Morthal. To be honest, it looks like a larger version of Riverwood.

It was late evening when we arrived and I decided to explore the town before bedding down at the Inn, including checking out all the shops and the apparently-famous graveyard. As I walked between the graves and spent a moment at the shrine to Arkay, I heard - then saw! - a dragon in the distance. I thought it would be better to defeat it far away from the city rather than wait for it to come burn the whole place to the ground, so we chased it down, running into another damned spriggan along the way.

Once the dragon was dealt with we started back to Falkreath - but that's when I noticed the dog on the road. When I'd first arrived in town a guard had asked me if I'd seen a dog, as the blacksmith has been looking for it, so I approached it to attempt to coax it into following me. Then, of course, it turned around and began speaking to me! It requested my help reuniting with its master, a Daedra called Vile. He said we'd have to visit a shrine to his master in order to talk to him, and said he'd lead the way.

He refused to wait and led us far, far up the road - past Falkreath and east through Helgen (I almost didn't realize it when we walked through it - I only ever see it nowadays on my walks back to Whiterun from Ivarstead) until we found the cave housing the shrine. We had to clear out the vampire cult that had been worshipping the dog's (Barbas's) master in order to get to the shrine.

Vile refused to take Barbas back unless I find and bring to him a specific axe. I have it marked on my map and I told Barbas I'd meet him there at a later time - my companions and I are exhausted.

That was several hours ago. Now, we're finally in Falkreath and we're dead on our feet. To bed! Then, to exploring and perhaps finding that axe.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 14th, 4E 201---

It's late morning and we're heading out for some exploring. I look forward to it - I hear most of the hold is wilderness, which will at the very least make for fun hunting.

-Thadan

 

Found an ancient Nord tomb. I can practically smell the draugr from here.

-Thadan

 

Ah, I stand corrected. Vampires. Lovely.

-Thadan

 

This crypt was... absurd. It's as though someone threw together elements from all other caves and tombs to create it.

When I first entered, there was a vampire, so I believed I'd found a cult of them hiding out. Shortly thereafter I was attacked by a skeever, which isn't out of the ordinary. For the next several stories (as this tomb is tiered, a grand central chamber lined by a spiral walkway leading to each floor) we found several skeletons and traps of fire and spikes protruding from the walls. Then, in what seemed to be the final room, a master vampire and a chest containing an ebony helmet (finally!).

We walked around to find a staircase upward and I expected to come out at the surface, but instead we happened upon and even grander chamber of massive statues and, at the end, a large black sarcophagus and a word wall. I could hear its strange chanting from the door.

From the sarcophagus came a draugr which I killed before it had even extracted itself fully. The word on the wall meant "battle," and upon unlocking its knowledge I discovered it to be the second of the Elemental Fury Shouts. One day I must try all these shouts - I only ever use Clear Skies, Dragonrend, and the very occasional Unrelenting Force.

Now, to try and find the exit.

-Thadan

 

Most unusually, there wasn't an exit - not one that wasn't perched at the top of the mountain with no way down, at least. We had to backtrack and leave through where we entered.

It appears to be evening, but instead of heading back to town, I think I'd like to continue.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 15th, 4E 201---

Falkreath is exceptionally boring. Aside from the occasionally-hostile wildlife and a handful of hidden wonders, it's all wilderness and this awful town. They're still somehow torn up over the civil war despite its end and, to be honest, there's not much life to be had in a city built around a graveyard.

Perhaps today we'll travel to Markarth. It's not too far, and to do so we can cross a great swath of land I've yet to see.

-Thadan

 

It's a couple hours after midday and we've seen much - mostly bandits, admittedly, and a pair of spriggans - and gone far. I believe we're two-thirds of the way to Markarth, but we're not heading straight there. We're wandering in any direction that suits our fancy, following plumes of smoke or sounds of speaking carried on the wind.

I grew so used to bandits that, as we approached what seems to be another Nord tomb, I heard a sound of footsteps and instantly whipped around to shoot the source.

Farkas shouted in surprise and I stood straight, putting away my bow with a wince. I hadn't expected to see a friendly face out here, but alas I'd found three - Farkas and two other Companions, Athis and Torvar.

"Gods, Oakwind," Farkas groaned, letting go of his greatsword with one hand and letting the massive blade plant itself in the dirt. I'd shot him in the stomach, my arrow piercing through a particularly-unprotected spot.

"Sorry," I said, preparing Healing Hands. "Here, let me-"

As I watched he instead tore it straight out with his bare hand, grunting with effort. He held out the bloodied arrow for me to take and, dumbfounded, I did. Then he reached into his pack, fished out a wine bottle-sized healing potion, and downed the whole thing without a breath.

"I'm fine," he said simply, then looked around as though he wasn't sure where we were. "What are you doing out here? I've never seen you so far south."

I tucked the arrow back into my quiver, still a little shocked at how nonchalant his display had been.

"I've, ah, never been to Falkreath," I said. "Decided to come explore."

Farkas nodded slowly. "We're on a contract. We should be going."

"I- Alright." Abrupt. "Goodbye, then."

He nodded again, then hoisted his sword back into the air and left as though what had just happened hadn't.

We continued on toward the Nord tomb and found in front of it a hot spring, delightfully void of mudcrabs and slaughterfish. Ghorbash tugged off his glove and felt the water, then suggested we take a break to rest and eat. I don't want to get this wet so I'll put it away for now.

-Thadan

 

Damn. The tomb's lock cannot be picked and I haven't the key. We'll move on then, I suppose.

-Thadan

 

Happened upon an abandoned watchtower and, of course, it was occupied by bandits. Orcish ones, this time, but bandits all the same. We made quick work of them, and on their leader found a full set of a sort of armor the likes of which I've never seen! The helmet was shaped like a bear's maw, and Lydia said it was Nordic. I gave it to her to wear, and I've put her ebony armor in my pack, which is growing excessively heavy. We're trekking back to Riverwood to stay the night, then to Whiterun in the morning.

-Thadan

 

It's raining here and storming elsewhere, the thunder echoing off the mountains. I believe us close to Riverwood by the sight of Bleak Falls up on the mountaintop.

We've just happened across a small camp of a pair of bandits. What they were doing may have had something to do with a small, hand-drawn map I found on one of their bodies. There is a spot marked outside Riverwood, indicating something hidden in a log on the other side of the river, so I suppose we can snatch that up while we're on the way.

-Thadan

 

It was just the typical mediocre sum of gold and handful of gems and ingots.

Now, to Riverwood.

-Thadan

 

[A/N: So I'm using my brother's copy of the game through Steam family sharing and he just bought all the DLC so... both Dawnguard and Dragonborn DLC NPCs accosted me the moment I entered Riverwood. God.]

 

Gods, it's late and so much has just happened. Lydia and Ghorbash are settling down in The Sleeping Giant while I write this.

First, the moment I stepped through the gates I heard shouting. Not Shouting, no dragons involved, but a guard shouted "Fight!" and I saw someone in dark robes engaged in combat with- I knew not at the time but I discovered her to be a vampire's thrall. Once she was dead, a handsome Orc with long grey hair and fine leathers approached me - he didn't introduce himself, or at least I didn't catch his name, but he invited me to join the Dawnguard, a band of vampire hunters based south of Riften. He was in town because he'd heard I am often here, though from whom I don't know. Perhaps after my business in Whiterun we can head that way - I've seen my fair share of vampires scattered about and if there's something I can do to rid the land of the menace, I'll be happy to. Besides, I have trouble saying no to adventure, and vampire hunting reeks of it.

Second, I was then approached by a pair of cloaked figures - the ones that had helped in the fight. I suppose they'd heard the Orc mention I was Dragonborn, and shouted about how I was not the "true" Dragonborn, and her Lord would come and prove me to be a mere shadow. She and her friend, both wearing very strange masks, then attacked us and now lie dead in the street. I found her orders on her person, and I will leave them in my pack until we are back in Whiterun.

For now, sleep.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 16th, 4E 201---

When we woke there was a woman and her husband in the inn, coated in soot and speaking of a dragon. It had apparently destroyed their whole farm and they have nothing now. I asked where the dragon went so I could take care of it, as I feel guilty that the dragon threat doesn't seem to have diminished since I defeated Alduin, but neither of them had seen. I tried to give them gold, at least, but they would take no more than 5. I hope they find their way.

Outside, I ran into the Orc again as he was locked in combat with two of what he called "master vampires." He was using a weapon the likes of which I've never seen - it resembles a bow, I suppose, and uses a sort of arrows, but he shoots it one-handed and it seems to be in part automated. I need one immediately. Once more he directed me toward the Dawnguard headquarters, and then left. I still don't know his name.

As we walk, I can hear Lydia behind me picking fun at Ghorbash and an apparent perceived jealousy at my interacting with the other Orc. Ghorbash is denying, but that only makes Lydia prod harder and laugh louder. I'm not getting involved.

Also, it's still storming and awfully dreary. Hopefully things will look better when we're going south.

-Thadan

 

The sky has cleared up and my pack is significantly lighter.

The masked woman's orders detail that she came from Windhelm to kill me, the "False Dragonborn," before I make it to Solstheim. After I investigate the Dawnguard down south, I'll head up for Windhelm to check that out.

I've decided we'll bring Meeko on this one. He's been locked within the Whiterun walls for weeks now and I feel bad. He needs real exercise. We'll leave as soon as my business is done.

-Thadan

 

Finally getting on the road and it's raining again. Because of course it is.

-Thadan

 

Oh, no. As we walked the road to Riften I saw, in the distance, a group of Thalmor fighting a wolf and a giant spider. I tried to help but I killed one of the Thalmor on accident, due to my distance and a misjudgement of aim. I was forced to kill the rest of them out of self-defense.

I never relish killing those who don't deserve it. I am incredibly guilty, but there's nothing I can do as it is to relieve it.

Onward.

-Thadan


	8. Sun's Dusk 17th - Evening Star 3rd

\---Sun's Dusk, 17th, 4E 201---

I have just accidentally stumbled upon a task that took me the whole night and much of the morning. It's sunrise now and Lydia and I have just rejoined Ghorbash and Meeko on the road.

As we walked, still on our way to Riften (it has never taken me this long before, has it?), I noticed a bandit-infested fort across the river and elected to investigate, if only to mark it on my map for later. I told the others to wait here for me, as I was sure it wouldn't be long, but Lydia insisted she come. In hindsight, I'm glad she did.

As we approached, we were spotted and I was forced to engage - I managed to kill a handful through the bars of the gate, then was forced to scale the mountainside to gain entry to loot their bodies. I finished off the remaining bandits and opened the gate for Lydia, then I noticed the door to enter the castle itself. Thinking only of loot, I beckoned Lydia to crouch and follow me inside.

What followed was a series of discoveries. First, that this was not a fort - it was a castle, going up and down several stories. I chose to go down, where I heard voices, reasoning that I could go up once the enemies were cleared. I followed the trail of bandits and left a trail of corpses deeper and deeper.

Second, I discovered that among their ranks were several mages, some so powerful they caused explosions loud enough I believed them to be thunder. Scared me near to death, but once I realized the true source we made quick work of them.

Third, so much loot. Hundreds of coins - more than fifty in every chest, and I found at least five chests. Several bandits wore very fine armor, including one wearing Nordic armor.

Fourth, a hidden tunnel with dirt walls and no exit door, instead it led to an opening in the rocky side of the mountain - and revealing a camp, an old man and his two bodyguards seated around the fire. He told me the castle had belonged to his family, and while he'd been away a mage his family had feuded with had taken the castle siege and kidnapped the family. (I immediately thought back to a pile of bodies, dressed in fine clothes - I said nothing.) He requested that I go back through and open the gate, and though I insisted I had just done so.

We went back through, and I went to the top of the tower as I'd originally intended. There were three more bandits there, one of which was a mage, and two of which had over a hundred gold each on their person. There was an arcane enchanter and a large chest of treasure, as well as a ladder to the roof, which had yet another chest. When I was sure all the dangers of the castle were dealt with, I came out the entrance I first took and welcomed the old man through the gate, which was still open. I told him the castle was his once again, and left at that.

It's nearly dawn now, and I've just gotten back to the road. Ghorbash was slumped under an outcrop of the rock, fast asleep, with Meeko sleeping with his head in Ghorbash's lap. I'm tired, but I and Lydia have agreed we can wait. We'll wake the others and, from the nearest town (Ivarstead?) take a carriage the rest of the way so she and I can rest.

-Thadan

 

Rested, we've left Riften and are now trying to find the Dawnguard. This territory east of Riften is dangerous, rife with bandits and mercenaries and wolves and necromancers and, in one instance, three bears at once. It's as if the land itself doesn't want us here.

We've just found a cave and, though I'm fairly certain the Dawnguard are not within, we're going to explore it. Here's hoping it doesn't take a full gods-damned day.

-Thadan

 

There are so many bears here I've lost count. This cave is massive, full of waterfalls and great fir trees, and at least ten bears so far. What have we gotten ourselves into?

-Thadan

 

Just bears. A lot of bears! But just bears. No spriggans, no vampires, no spiders, no draugr, no dragons - just bears. It's late evening and rather than venture out into the cold - it has started snowing since we entered the cave - we've elected to instead spend the night in the cave. At least in there there's enough cover to build a fire and stay out of the biting wind.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 18th, 4E 201---

It's an hour before noon and we've arrived at the cave entrance - the correct one, this time - and we're about to enter. I have half a mind to leave Meeko outside, just in case, but I'm worried we'll be attacked by those strange, pitch black hounds we were attacked by minutes ago. I'd rather keep him close where I can protect and heal him if needed.

-Thadan

 

When we entered, I realized it was not a cave entrance, but an opening into- well, I'm not quite sure what. It's as though there is another world beyond the mountain, white with snow and fog. A Nord called Agmaer was walking the path with a torch and I drew my bow in instinct, having fought through so many to get here, but instead he greeted me like a friend and asked if it was okay if he walked with us. He's also intent to join the Dawnguard. He asked if I'd fought vampires before and I told him I had, and that I hadn't realized the problem was as bad as it is. If I'd known, I'd have joined sooner.

We've just found Fort Dawnguard and, once I'm finished with this entry, we will enter together - myself, Amgaer, Lydia, Ghorbash, and Meeko. An unlikely group as there ever was.

-Thadan

 

We just past the Orc we met in Riverwood - Durak is his name - shooting his bow-like contraption outside the fort. I stopped to ask what it was, and he told me it was a crossbow. "A Dawnguard specialty," apparently very good at taking out vampires. He gave me one and a quiverful of "bolts" (not arrows).

It's bizarre - I draw the arr- I mean bolt, and it stays drawn until I trigger the mechanism and it shoots. I can't adjust the draw distance for speed or distance, but it shoots faster and with more strength than any bow I've ever used. I feel giddy like a child with a new toy, eager to use it. I'm not sure if I'll replace my bow with it - there's nothing like the familiar draw of a bowstring, and no other weapon feels as natural for me to use - but for now, at least, it'll be fun to learn.

-Thadan

 

Isran, the leader I suppose, accepted my request for myself and my companions to join the Dawnguard. As it is, there isn't much to join, so while he and the others (including Amgaer, who he is teaching to shoot a crossbow) are repairing Fort Dawnguard, we've been sent to "take the fight to the vampires."

We're staying the night at The Bee and Barb, then in the morning we'll be off.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 19th, 4E 201---

We're nearly to Windhelm, as I discovered the place Isran wanted us to go is closer to Solitude than Riften, so we'll go there after our business in Solstheim.

The walk, as always, has been treacherous. Bears, saber cats, a mage who summoned an ice atronach, and a dragon have all intercepted us on the walk. I can now see Windhelm in the distance - we must be close, though it may take us some time to find our true destination.

-Thadan

 

They wouldn't allow Ghorbash passage, no matter how I insisted or threatened or tried to bribe - eventually, as I was growing ever more frustrated, Ghorbash said he'd stay in the city or perhaps head back to Dushnikh Yal to see his family and wait for us. I'm still upset, and growing equal parts homesick and seasick the longer we're out here. I miss him.

Still, Lydia and Meeko are with me as we make the journey to Morrowind. I hadn't realized that was where Solstheim was but in hindsight I'm not terribly surprised. Part of me is excited to see a new land - I've been to Valenwood, Cyrodiil, and Skyrim, no where else - but the rest of me has no desire to linger.

-Thadan

 

This place feels wrong. The air is brown, the sky is hazy, and the people act strangely. We've landed in a Dunmer settlement called Raven's Rock and I was immediately greeted by the "second councilor" of House Redoran, the sovereign body here. He said he was very suspicious of visitors, as there's been a fair bit of troublemaking nearby.

I asked about Miraak, the masked strangers' "Lord," but although he said he recognized the name, he could give me no information. The ship's captain said much the same when we first boarded, and had refused us passage until I paid him off and allowed Ghorbash to stay in Skyrim. The masked strangers had apparently taken his ship in the opposite direction than we've just come, though they'd somehow wiped his memory of the entire day. He was visibly shaken, though after his behavior regarding Ghorbash, I feel little pity.

We're about to leave the ship to see the city at large. I believe my first business will be to find an Inn - Lydia and Meeko are tired, as they didn't sleep along the way as I did after my last entry. I have investigating to do.

-Thadan

 

I can't find an Inn and I don't know if that's because there isn't one or I'm just being foolish. As it is, I've decided to leave Lydia and Meeko on the ship to rest.

I've gone exploring some and discovered, to my surprise, that there is a lot more nearby than I'd believed. I've decided I must return here one day to help others, as several people have asked my assistance (including the head of the guard!), but for now I must must must stay on track.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 20th, 4E 201---

Gods, there is so much to do here. The temple everyone seems to associate with Miraak is far inland, and I worry that on my way there I will gain more and more tasks from the locals. I have so much in Skyrim left to do that coming here to Morrowind to do even more feels irresponsible and perhaps impossible.

We'll sail back to Skyrim overnight. Once I have cleared my roster of tasks and quests and whatnot, I will return - this time with Ghorbash and perhaps without Meeko. We'll spend a couple weeks here doing our usual routine, running other people's errands and whatnot, then when we feel ready to we can head home.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 21st, 4E 201---

I was reading through older entries as we were preparing to leave Candlehearth Hall this morning (we stopped there for a short rest and meal by the fire when we landed back in Skyrim) and realized I'd intended to head to Markarth after leaving Falkreath. How did I forget?

We're taking the carriage there now, as it's the closest city to Dushnikh Yal. We'll pick up Ghorbash, spend the day in town and then head to Solitude to rest for the night. Then, in the morning, go to where Isran sent us to investigate the vampire menace.

Actually, no. After we pick up Ghorbash and spend the day in Markarth, we'll take a carriage to Whiterun. I need to drop off belongings in Breezehome and truly rest for a day. It feels like we haven't been home in weeks.

Also, I've spent a lot of gold on transport in the last day alone. I'm glad we'd been walking everywhere for the days previous.

-Thadan

 

"Have you ever considered adventuring?"

Ghorbash was much as I'd first found him, months ago - swinging at a training dummy in the courtyard of Dushnikh Yal, though now with the glass mace I gave him as opposed to the steel waraxe he'd had then.

He stopped to turn and eye me in surprise. "Thadan! I hadn't expected you to return so soon."

I explained the Morrowind situation - how I cannot begin to adventure there without a full party and a significantly shorter list of things I must do here in Skyrim. He agreed, and now we're on our way to Markarth.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 22nd, 4E 201---

We've arrived in Whiterun hours before dawn. We'll finish resting in Breezehome, then spend the day in the city.

-Thadan

 

It's just before noon and I believe I've finished my business here in town - sold off as much goods as I was able, stocked up on arrows and health potions, et cetera - and now I'm sitting in Breezehome to compile a list of tasks in-order that I want to do. As it stands, I've been doing things at random, whenever I remember a random task. I have a list somewhere in this journal of all the things I've been asked to do since coming to Skyrim, so now I'm going to put down a sort of schedule to follow. Not by day, of course - far too often do I get distracted by and then lost in caves and dungeons - but just an order to which I'd like to do things would be immensely helpful.

-Thadan

 

Alright, instead of that, I've listed each task by the hold in which they were acquired or where I'll need to go to complete them. I don't remember half these people's names or why I've come to acquire these quests, but I suppose that doesn't matter. I promised to help and the gods know how long I've been unwittingly putting these off.

I intended to go to Solitude next anyway, so that's our next destination. While there we'll meet up with Barbas, the daedra's talking dog, and "guide the light through Meridia's temple," whatever that means.

-Thadan

 

We're about to land in Solitude after a long day on the carriage. Ghorbash and I intend to head to Meridia's temple first, then to meet Barbas, if the temple doesn't take too long. If it does, we'll head back to the city to rest for a while then head out tomorrow.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 23rd, 4E 201---

We've just come out at a balcony to see the streams of Meridia's light against the starry sky. Before we move on, we've decided to sit for a moment just to look.

"You gotta admit, that's impressive," Ghorbash said, and I had to agree. It feels as though we could see completely across Skyrim if not for the mountains cutting through the horizon.

-Thadan

 

I can't tell through the snow but I believe it may be morning. We're walking back to Solitude now.

The temple was rife with these strange spectres, black and smoky with what looked like helmets similar to those of hold guards. They weren't exceptionally smart or strong, however, so they weren't an issue. Even the scourge of the temple, the necromancer that had summoned the shades and corrupted the tomb, wasn't any trouble. Still, the temple wasn't a waste of time. Most of the corpses we found had upwards of 100 septims on their persons, and there were dozens of corpses.

At the end I found Meridia's sacred blade and bane of the undead, Dawnbreaker. The moment I had touched it the world began to fade to white, and soon I was once more floating high above Meridia's statue, speaking to her - she insisted I wield her blade in her name, strike down the undead and sing her praises. I'm uninterested in spreading her religion, and I would have thought such a powerful being would know I have no talent with a blade. I told her as much and she didn't seem to mind.

When she was done with me she dropped me and once more I fell to the ground, the world going white just as I was about to collide with the stone. I was then standing before her statue once more, and when I walked down the stairs I found Ghorbash standing at the entrance to the temple itself.

The look of worry on his face melted away when he saw me approach, and he took me into his arms for a brief embrace.

"Damned daedra and their love for dramatics," he said. "Scared the life out of me when you took the blade and disappeared. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I nodded, then handed Dawnbreaker to him. "Here, you'll have more use for this than I will."

He hesitated. "She's not gonna teleport me somewhere if I take it, right?"

I shrugged. "Only one way to find out."

She didn't, obviously, and he gave it a couple experimental swings before sheathing it. We'll be back in Solitude by midday.

I'm thinking about trying to become thane of Haafingar so I can purchase a home here. It would be nice to not have to run to Whiterun constantly. Perhaps I'll purchase one in the east as well. I currently have over twenty thousand gold so I don't think it would be too difficult.

-Thadan

 

I can't figure out how to become thane - no one will tell me how, so I've just been wandering about with Ghorbash trying to find things to do in town. I did my usual business with the shops and stopped by the blacksmith and fletcher, then went to the Blue Palace to ask about becoming thane. When I came up with nothing (except a request to help with a nearby supposedly-haunted cave), we left. We were to leave the city immediately to go search out that cave, then meet up with Barbas, when I was nearly bowled over by a child sprinting through the street.

"Oh, I- Sorry!" he said, then shoved past me and continued to run.

"Where are you going?" I asked, and he stopped once more to turn to me.

"We're playing tag!" He pointed past me and I noticed a pair of girls chasing after him, shrieking with laughter. "Do you want to play?"

Ghorbash snorted. "No, kid, we-"

"Sounds fun to me," I interrupted, just in time for the girl who was "it" to plant a small hand on my back.

"Then you're it!" she said. I laughed and passed off my bow, quiver, and pack to Ghorbash, who sat on a nearby stone wall to watch, and then chased after the boy.

I believe we played for the better part of an hour until we were all breathless, the children laying in the grass outside the Hall of the Dead and I sitting at Ghorbash's side, reclaiming my things. After a few moments the children were back on their feet again, and I had to refuse when they asked to play again. They pouted for a moment before running off once more.

"You had fun?" Ghorbash asked, tone teasing.

I smiled, still a little out of breath. "Yes. It was nice to run without fearing for my life, for once."

He laughed, looking at his hands in his lap, perhaps thoughtful. "I'm glad. You four were awful cute."

I laughed. "I used to play with the local kids in Minulain all the time, whenever I wasn't hunting." I sighed. "Children are refreshing. They don't expect anything from me."

He grew quiet, and though I was curious as to what he was thinking, I know he'd tell me if it were important.

We're leaving the city now, after taking some time to eat at the Skeever.

-Thadan

 

I have a bad feeling about this place. A Blackreach feeling. This cave is bigger than I had believed, and full of draugr and necromancers - and I've just happened upon a ritual resurrecting the "wolf queen" who had once lived here.

We may be here a while.

-Thadan

 

We weren't there as long as I'd feared, once I figured out what was going on and where I should go. We killed those performing the ritual and all their draugr friends and that seemed to be enough to cease whatever dark magicks were happening.

We've arrived back in Solitude just in time for sunset, and are staying in our usual room at the Winking Skeever. Tomorrow we'll meet with Barbas, finally.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 24th, 4E 201---

On our way to meet Barbas we've come across a sort of barrow. I know we should ignore it and move on but at this point I feel like it'd be almost out of character to ignore it. I'm curious!

There were bandits outside, but that means nothing. There could be anything within. Perhaps a new word wall? I haven't learnt a new Shout in a long time. I believe I have over a dozen dragon souls absorbed by now that I haven't had the chance to use.

-Thadan

 

Well that took the rest of the day and evening.

It was deeper than any crypt I've happened upon recently, ridden with traps and draugr of varying magickal skill. I felt as though we were descending deeper and deeper into the mountain when, instead, we stepped out onto the mountaintop. I could hear a word wall nearby and I grew excited, until I noticed a massive sarcophagus of black stone.

I suddenly recalled one of my first late nights in Skyrim with Lydia, exploring a similar mountaintop-and-sarcophagus combination. Something in my stomach grew tight and worried, hoping against hope that this wasn't the same sort of being that had attacked us then, when I'd had to send Lydia back to Whiterun and sprint my way down the mountain in fear.

I explained the situation to Ghorbash, and he seemed eager to fight it, if my suspicions were correct. Prove his mettle. I suppose I, too, am stronger now than I was way back then.

The word wall was for the final word in Whirlwind Sprint (yes!) and my suspicions were correct. Dawnbreaker proved invaluable in the fight and we defeated the being with minimal injury. Oh, how things have changed since I first arrived here.

Dawnbreaker has been invaluable this whole evening, in fact. I knew it was very effective against the undead, from what Meridia told me, but seeing it with my own eyes was different. It set draugrs aflame much like Lydia's enchanted mace, and when he struck the final blow there was a massive burst of energy and light, and any other undead in the area would suffer for it and often die. It was incredible, and startled the life out of the both of us the first time it happened.

We're going to rest and eat at this bandit camp near the entrance now, then in a couple hours continue on.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 25th, 4E 201---

Found a small jetty and boat which we could use to go out to some castle in the middle of the freezing water. Why we would want to I'm not sure-

Ghorbash has just told me he's found human flesh in a nearby sack. Gods. My curiosity is piqued - after we find Barbas (Where in the world is that damned dog? We've been looking for hours!) we can check this out.

-Thadan

 

Still haven't found Barbas, but we've located the axe. Next time we're near Clavicus Vile's shrine we shall return it.

Now, back to Solitude to rest.

-Thadan

Discovered a cave on the way back. We're heading inside.

-Thadan

 

Inside the cave was a high ceiling, iced over and leaking sunlight. The whole room felt like I was in a barrel, almost, with a dark bottom down below and smooth vertical walls. Across the center was a singular bridge of stone and ice, leading to a frost troll and a human corpse, likely of its last meal.

I dispatched the troll easily, then made to cross the bridge to take back my arrows - but I slipped on the ice and fell the great distance into the dark abyss below, shouting my surprised terror.

"Thadan!" Ghorbash shouted, and if he continued on I couldn't hear as I submerged in icy water. I gasped for breath when I resurfaced, shivering hard. The water was so cold it felt as though I was being prodded by needles everywhere my skin was exposed.

It took me several moments of flailing to finally begin treading water effectively, panicked heartbeat slowing marginally. I became aware of Ghorbash's voice echoing, layering over itself until I couldn't understand what he was saying.

"I'm fine!" I shouted back up. "It's just water-"

Before I could finish my thought, a dark shape fell through the air to splash into the water next to me. After a moment Ghorbash, too, resurfaced.

"Are you okay?" he asked, out of breath and trying to tread water.

"I'm fine," I repeated. "Though I'm not sure how we're getting out of here."

His face seemed to pale, looking around at the smooth walls. There were no handholds with which to climb, no openings to crawl into. I ducked my head under the water to look for anything - perhaps and underwater cave exit? - and did indeed find something of the sort. An opening in the ice, nearly man-shaped and with an upward-slanted floor.

However, keeping my eyes open that long in the icy water was hellishly painful and I squeezed them shut as I resurfaced. I told Ghorbash of what I'd seen but that I couldn't go inside as it was, as it would hurt my eyes, but then he reminded me I had the mask from that powerful being we'd fought by the dragon wall. I reached into my pack, grateful it was more-or-less sealed against water (my journal is fine! thank the gods!), and fished out the mask.

It was formed from thin metal, with a strange facial pattern and thin slits where the eyes would go, as well as cloth around the rest of the head and neck. I put it on with some difficulty, tucking the loose fabric into my armor, and once more submerged. Water stayed outside of the mask, perhaps due to its magickal properties, and I was grateful. I began to swim toward the opening and discovered it was a tunnel, which I then began to go through, if only to see the length of it before turning around for Ghorbash. It was much longer than I'd foreseen and as I continued forward, I began to panic, my lungs screaming for air.

Just as I began to see light at the other end, albeit distant, I turned around, kicking at the walls for more speed. I knew there was air behind me - I couldn't trust the light before me. We would have to find another way out.

Halfway through the tunnel I gasped for air, expecting a mouthful of water and a burn as I inhaled it on accident, but instead- instead I breathed in as though it were air. I paused, bewildered, and as I did I continued to breathe. I turned back and continued through the tunnel, coming out into another cave with a pair of wolves and corpses, as well as an opening through which I could smell fresh air.

I ducked back under and swam back to Ghorbash, telling him of the mask's water-breathing properties and of the exit I'd discovered. We made it through together, myself wearing the mask and pulling him by the hand while he had his eyes shut and held his breath.

We killed the wolves and discovered a chest with a small quiver of glass arrows and a handful of coins, then exited into the snow once more. I've decided to keep the mask on - I usually would rather not wear anything on my head, especially over my ears, but the protection from the cold is nice and it feels as though this mask weighs nothing. If not for Ghorbash's startled face whenever he catches a glimpse of me, I'd have forgotten I was wearing it.

Now we've discovered a shipwreck and a couple bandits by a fire. It's looted, and I got to continue to use the mask's waterbreathing to explore the hidden reaches of the wreck.

Now, we're going to spend the night here in the bandits' camp and take advantage of the fire.

"We could be back in Solitude by now, you know," Ghorbash said. "Warm and dry and asleep in an actual bed. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"It does," I admitted. "I'm sorry, my curiosity got the best of me, as you know it often does."

"I know," he said, and though he seemed annoyed, he said it fondly. "You'll be the death of me, Thadan."

-Thadan

 

I can see that castle in the distance again. I'd nearly forgotten about it.

We've just rested for several hours, though I'm uncertain how long, exactly. I hate being this far north - I can't tell the time of day, and there's so much to distract me from what I should be doing.

We're heading toward where I remember the boat now. Ghorbash is exasperated, but when I said he could go back to Solitude without me he of course refused.

"And miss out on whatever trouble you get yourself into? Never."

-Thadan

 

The front gate won't open and the guard within won't answer my questions - it's as though he can't see or hear me at all, to be true. I walked around the island (a generous term - it's more a rock than anything) but could find no entrances. I suppose we'll take the boat back to the mainland.

-Thadan

 

There's a fort nearby that looks as though it should be full of bandits but is, instead, occupied by Thalmor. My curiosity is strong but I don't make a habit of trespassing. Besides, Ghorbash is growing grumpier by the minute. We should head back to Solitude.

-Thadan

 

I found another barrow. Ghorbash is going to kill me. I've told him to stay outside with Nilana, as I'll be quick. That's very obviously a lie, but he's too tired to argue. The sun is setting and we're still no closer to Solitude.

-Thadan

 

Forsworn? This far north?

-Thadan

 

I've just cleared the first part of the barrow of forsworn and stepped out a door, believing it to perhaps lead deeper. I was severely mistaken. I've stepped out into the open once more and discovered, across a small valley, another, larger barrow embedded deep into the mountain. We'll head back to Solitude immediately, and then head back here to explore. I can scarcely imagine what wonders and horrors could be inside.

(Actually, I can probably imagine it pretty well. More forsworn, draugr, frostbite spiders, and perhaps a word wall. Plenty of gold hidden in urns and chests. Still, though it may be predictable, I am still aching to explore. This is the one thing I miss about being a werewolf - being able to explore for days on end without tiring.)

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 26th, 4E 201---

I was stopped in both Dragon Bridge and Solitude by couriers - the first giving me a letter from Falk Firebeard, who had given me the Wolfskull Cave job a couple days ago, and the second delivering to me another letter from Calcelmo, the man in Markarth studying the Dwemer. This time he requested a simple Dwarven arrow, as opposed to Lydia's enchanted Dwarven mace, so I'm much more inclined to actually give him the artifact he's requested.

I'm heading to the Blue Palace now to speak with Firebeard - apparently something relevant to the Wolfskull ritual I interrupted has sprung up, and my audience has been requested.

-Thadan

 

I've been sent to speak with the local priest of Arkay. Apparently Potema - the wolf queen whose summoning I thought I had stopped - is not gone. She is lingering in spirit form, and Firebeard's men have encountered her minions. Styrr, the priest, believes I have some connection to Potema and wishes to work with me to find a solution to the problem.

To think I was just inside the Hall of the Dead refreshing my blessing of Arkay. Why didn't Styrr speak to me then?

-Thadan

 

I am to enter the Solitude Catacombs and retrieve Potema's skeleton - she was apparently a former Queen of Skyrim, and a very potent necromancer. Styrr says I must go alone, but Ghorbash insists on at the very least waiting outside the doors for me to return.

It's midday, and I'll begin immediately.

-Thadan

I've just emerged from Potema's catacombs and I must say, I'm fairly certain that is on the list of my favorite adventures since arriving in Skyrim. I wish I had been writing as I went, in order to record the details as they came, but I didn't think to as I was swept up in the adrenaline.

There were dozens of draugr within the tomb, including several who used Unrelenting Force. It's been awhile since I've encountered those draugr who can Shout, and I'm not sure if I ever have without Lydia and Ghorbash to help. Still, it wasn't too difficult. As long as I'm careful and quiet, I can take on an entire army on my own.

Ha, that sort of cockiness is nostalgic. Reminds me of how I used to behave in Valenwood. Best I tone it down now before I lose my other eye!

As I travelled deeper and deeper into the catacomb, Potema spoke to me - taunting me, beckoning me forward. Her arrogance, in hindsight, is laughable. Her minions, though plentiful, were nothing compared to some other dangers I've faced.

The most challenging part was, of course, toward the end - a room that, upon entering, was introduced by Potema as her "circle." The room had multiple layers, each one dotted with sarcophagi, over a dozen in total. As they kicked down their coverings and stepped out, in the air above us was a swirling cluster of light as Potema's spirit reanimated the dead and watched over the battle, striking me periodically with lightning.

It was truly exciting, flashes of light and great noise as so many undead rose to try and stop me from my errand, all stricken down by my bow. For a long moment after the fight was finished and I was looting their corpses, I looked back up to the ghost in question, wondering where to go next. All at once the light formed into a ball, then forced its way through the locked door at the end of the room, leaving it open for me.

Inside was a throne, and Potema's ghost appeared on the ground to deal with my personally, summoning a being of lightning and stone. As we fought, at every surge of lightning through my bones I felt that drained, awful feeling of my limited magic supply depleting, but before long I "killed" the ghost and the atronach disappeared. I grabbed Potema's circlet-ed skull and was on my way (after fighting another pair of draugr) out the door.

Now, I'm on the road back to Solitude, as the door dropped me off outside the city, somehow.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 27th, 4E 201---

Delivered Potema's skull to Styrr, and spoke to Falk Firebeard back in the Blue Palace. I received many thanks, some gold, and the Shield of Solitude - does this make me thane? I didn't get the Axe of Whiterun or the Blade of Hjaalmarch until I was thane there, so I'm a tad confused. The Jarl and her court wish to keep the Potema business quiet, so there was little ceremony.

The Jarl has asked me to leave a horn belonging to her late husband, the High King, at a shrine of Talos. I know there's one in Whiterun, so when we head back that way I'll drop it off then head back. Perhaps I'll bring Lydia this time.

For now, the woman who runs the apothecary has asked I inquire with some general about her daughter - I believe she was a soldier? I don't think I ever met her when I was fighting in the war, and her mother wants news as to her whereabouts. Hopefully this won't take long, and we can be on a carriage to Whiterun before evening.

-Thadan

 

The daughter was dead. Not surprising. It was hard to tell her mother so, but I did. We'll leave the city immediately.

-Thadan

 

\---Sun's Dusk, 28th, 4E 201---

It's very late (early?) and, after running about Breezehome sorting my and Ghorbash's packs and putting things away, we're about ready to rest for the night. Tomorrow we'll head to a different shrine of Talos - the crier by the one in town won't let me "defile" it, but Lydia knows of one nearby we can use. She'll be coming with us, and seems eager to do so.

While I was gone she changed back into her ebony armor. She says it fits and works better than the Nordic one, and I'm not going to question her.

-Thadan

 

Dropped off the horn at the shrine, and nearby I spotted a cave. Ghorbash believes it may be forsworn, but we're too far northeast. I think it may be falmer - we haven't seen them in a long time and I believe we may be due for an encounter.

Did I mention I fought a dragon outside? Because I fought a dragon outside. No thanks to my slow companions.

-Thadan

 

Falmer! Not many, however. A frostbite spider, a handful of chaurus (chauri?), and a great Dwarven automaton. The accidental delve into a partial Dwarven ruin was unexpected but fun. I miss those. I believe I may have the entrance to one marked on my map - we should perhaps check one out, when we find the chance.

Now, back to Whiterun, then to Solitude. I believe we may walk instead of taking the carriage.

-Thadan

 

I own property in Solitude! When I told Jarl Elisif I'd finished her errand, she told me I was permitted to buy a home and finally become Thane of Haafingar. I immediately spoke to Firebeard to purchase Proudspire Manor, and furnish the bedroom, at least. My coin pouch is now twenty-seven thousand gold lighter, which is equal parts freeing and alarming. I've never spent so much in one place, ha.

The Manor is massive and beautiful. Over the next couple weeks we'll try and move everything from Breezehome here, and furnish the rest of the house.

At the very least, I'll move everything sentimental or necessary. There's a lot of things in Breezehome - like food and crafting supplies - which I'll be able to easily replace, but all my old armor and bows, as well as all my dragon remains and book collection won't come back to me so easily.

Ah! I'm so excited to spend the night here. For now, I wish to go exploring nearby, after checking out the fletcher's.

-Thadan

 

As I left Proudspire, I was approached by a blonde Nord woman in steel armor, with a massive sword strapped to her back.

"You're the new thane?" she asked, and I nodded. She mirrored the motion with a tight smile. "Ah. I'm Jordis the Sword-Maiden. Your new housecarl. I'll be, ah." She peered over my shoulder and gestured at the door behind me. "Living here with you. Or adventuring with you, if you'd rather."

"Oh! So you're blonde Lydia," Ghorbash joked, and neither Lydia nor Jordis seemed amused.

"You can get settled inside, I suppose," I said, looking her armor up and down. It reminded me of Lydia's when I first met her - it would need to be replaced if I ever decided to take her anywhere. Perhaps the Nordic armor would fit her better? Though, by her tone, she didn't seem eager to travel with me, for one reason or another.

She bowed her head. "As you command, my thane." Then she stepped past me and entered the manor.

"Is that how I used to sound?" Lydia asked, as we walked back through Solitude for the exit. "That formal?"

"Yes," Ghorbash said, instantly.

I scoffed. "You weren't there when I met her." Then, to Lydia. "You were worse."

-Thadan

 

We've found another standing stone (with an image of a wizard upon it, so I decided to leave it be) and another barrow! This one looks as though we're not the first adventurers to come through it - dead draugr and humans alike litter the stone, smeared with blood.

There are several keyholes which would be opened with a dragon claw artifact, but the one I'm carrying (the coral one - purchased in Winterhold from the general store) doesn't fit. The doors are all already open, however.

-Thadan

 

Ah! This place - I read a book on this legend, the forbidden history of Gauldur and his sons. I've just happened across a fallen Dunmer, his blood splattered across the stone keyhole behind him, and in his robes were an ivory dragon claw and journal. Flipping through it, it details the legend of Gauldur, a powerful archmage murdered by his three sons, who then stole the source of his power - a powerful amulet - and divided it amongst themselves, then left to wreak havoc. They were taken down by another archmage and each interned somewhere in Skyrim, the legend buried forever so they wouldn't be unsealed.

One of the sons is interned here, and I suppose I'm on the road to unearthing him.

-Thadan

 

It's just before midnight, I believe, and we've just exited Folgunthur, the amulet fragment in hand. I'll look on my map for the locations of the other fragments, outlined in the Dunmer's notes, once we get back to Solitude.

-Thadan

 

We've fully furnished Proudspire and the house is gorgeous, decked out with an arcane enchanter, potion-making station, and a beautiful kitchen and living space. I'm more than ready to make this my home-base.

When we came upstairs during our exploration, I noticed a door next to my bedroom that I hadn't seen before. I opened it and noticed it was a second bedroom.

"Ah, perfect," I said. "I was beginning to think Lydia and Jordis would have nowhere to sleep." There were two beds, albeit sort of small, and- and I realized the purpose of the room just as Jordis snorted behind Lydia and Ghorbash, drawing our attention.

"My thane, that is the children's' bedroom," she said, and I noticed all the details that proved it so. The child-sized practice dummy, the books and the instruments and the toy chests. "I have a bedroll downstairs that suits me just fine." She paused. "So the orc sleeps with you?"

I raised my eyebrows at her tone. "Yes, he does. Is that a problem?"

She eyed us for a moment, then shrugged. "No." She then turned and left down the stairs.

"She's sweet," Lydia said wryly, rolling her neck. "I'm gonna head out. I don't know the city like you two do."

"Don't get lost," I said, and bid her farewell. Ghorbash was quiet, and when I turned back to him he was stood in the doorway to the children's' room, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. His pale eyes were trained on the small beds within.

I walked to stand by him, putting an arm around his waist. He startled a little at the contact, but quickly relaxed.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "You're awfully quiet."

He looked between me and the beds, expression unreadable. "I'm fine," he said, after a pause. He swallowed, then continued. "You like kids."

I paused. "Yes, I do."

He covered my hand on his hip with his own, absently stroking my thumb. "Do you want them?"

My eyes grew wide. I don't... I don't not want kids. That is to say, one day, yes. But right now?

"Not for some time, I don't think," I replied. "But one day, yes."

He nodded, slowly. "I've been thinking about it since the other day. You know, when you were playing tag in the street." He exhaled, leaning his head against my shoulder. "It... that kind of happy looked good on you."

I felt my face warm. "I... I suppose that's a bridge we can cross together when we're ready to," I said.

It's an hour past midday and I think we'll head to Winterhold tonight. It's the site of one of the Gauldersons' tombs (or at least, close to it) and I need to drop off this blood extractor contraption with Septimus Signus. The falmer we killed yesterday was the last specimen I needed to collect. Two birds, one stone.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 1st, 4E 201---

We start Evening Star back in Winterhold, cold and frustrated. I walked to the ruin that I think must be where the next Gauldurson is interned, but it's locked - the sort of lock that needs a key, no less. We're heading up to the College to ask if anyone knows anything about how to get inside.

-Thadan

 

They've conceded to allow us inside using their key, but only if we stand back and allow the students to do the heavy lifting. We're to act as a sort of escort, to keep them safe, just in case.

It doesn't bother me. As long as they don't expect me to use any magic to help, ha.

-Thadan

 

I was contacted via... spectre, I suppose, by a group of mages called the "Psijic Order." They foretold great danger, and said that only I can be of help. Why is it always me? I'm not even a mage!

I'm pushing further into the ruin, my "guide" from the college stopping short to take a look at a ring of sarcophagi.

-Thadan

 

After defeating the Gauldurson, we found a sort of massive orb, inscribed with glowing green runes and floating in the air before the exit. Tolfdir, our guide, was very excited and insisted I inform the archmage of its existence. I suppose when I'm back in Winterhold I'll drop by before we take to the inn.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 3rd, 4E 201---

My whole page for yesterday got ruined, damn it. Got caught, somehow, on the point of my dagger and tore.

Yesterday was mostly uneventful, as we spent most of the day travelling by carriage from Winterhold to Whiterun, but something did happen in the early hours. I was out, having woken earlier than the others, and discovered that Nilana wasn't nearby. I've taken to bringing her with us wherever we go, if only to leave her in town. But no - she was gone. I was confused, and whistled for her, calling out for her by name, but all I got were a couple strange looks from guards.

Upon a cursory search, especially along the road to Saarthal, I found her. Surrounded by those strange masked beings, all lying dead around her- around her corpse. She had managed to kill three of them on her own, bless her, but she died in the process. What she was doing out in the snow, I'll never know. I'm devastated, but I suppose... I can always buy another. I'm just very upset! I feel like I've had Nilana as long as I've known Ghorbash, though I'd have to check earlier entries to be sure.

Anyhow, I've just awoken in Breezehome. I'm going to take some supplies I wish to take with me to Proudspire manor, then we'll leave to Ivarstead to gather the last fragment of the Gauldur amulet.

-Thadan

 

Bought a horse at the stable. I didn't want to name him, distraught as I was over Nilana's recent demise, so I allowed Ghorbash to. His name is now "Burzagog."

I'll ride him to Ivarstead, alongside the carriage the others are riding. We don't much wish to walk, as we're very burdened down with things from Breezehome. I hope there's nothing in the last tomb worth taking, ha.

-Thadan

 

 


	9. Evening Star 5th - 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! Sorry. I think I'm back for good, so expect a new chapter soon, but I've thought that before so we'll see. Also "soon" means weeks as opposed to months, so maybe not actually all that soon.
> 
> Let me know if there's any errors in spelling or continuity. This one's been a long time coming since I put in a lot of placeholders I later realized I either didn't want to or couldn't fill since I forgot what I was meant to be writing there. Hence all the... well. Thadan's awful clumsy in this one. Sorry.

[The Evening Star, 4th entry is either missing or nonexistent.]

 

\---Evening Star, 5th, 4E 201---

We took the last piece of the amulet and are back in Solitude now, at midnight. I'm ready to drop off all our belongings, outfit Jordis in her new armor, then see about re-forging this amulet.

-Thadan

 

"Thadan, can we talk?"

I frowned, tucking my leathers into the chest at the foot of the bed in preparation for sleep. "Always," I said. The second time in so many days that Ghorbash had seemed this thoughtful, and it had me nervous. The kids thing and now whatever this was. "Is something bothering you?"

He paused, looking at his hands. He was still in his armor and stood by the door, which didn't help my nerves. "I- No. I'm okay." He straightened, shaking his head. "I'm actually more than okay."

"Okay enough to get ready for bed?" I said, and his eyes widened, looking to my unclothed state as if he hadn't noticed.

"Oh, yes, of course," he said quickly, pulling off his helmet. "I just- I don't know. Maybe it's not important."

"Well, I won't know unless you tell me."

He shrugged, quiet as he removed his boots and bracers. "I went back to Dushnikh Yal recently, as you know." I nodded. "Of course, everyone was asking about my absence. What I did all this time, where I went, who I was with. I told them everything I could remember, and I thought about you and your journal and how much easier it would have been if you were there to help me tell the story and-" His breath seemed to catch in his throat. "And I couldn't speak anymore. And I realized just how... I don't know. Dependent on you I am. Or how important you are to me. I only hadn't seen you a day but it felt like an arrow in my throat.

"Mother guessed our relationship the second she and I were alone. Kept asking me about- about settling down and getting married and having kids. I told her we don't know, that we haven't talked about it, but all I could think was that- that I-" He cut off again, one hand coming up to cup his throat. Feeling for the arrow. He swallowed. "There is nothing I want more than that."

Before I could cut in he continued. "And now this? We- and I realize it was mostly you, but- we bought a house. With room for *children.* It's- I'm overwhelmed." He was finally in the same state as I, both in our underclothes, and together we sat on the bed. He placed his hand on mine and laced our fingers together. "Are we moving too fast?"

I was quiet, processing all of this. "I've heard of Nords meeting and marrying in a week," I said lightly, leaning against him. "I think, if anything, we're slow."

That startled a chuckle out of him, and he shook his head. "Yeah, but Nords are crazy. No offense to Lydia."

"We're in Skyrim of our own free will," I said. "We might be a little crazy too."

"Fair enough."

We kissed and, after making sure that Lydia wasn't in the next room (she was downstairs speaking with Jordis in the kitchen), broke in the new bed, so to speak. And now, he's waiting for me to finish this entry so he can blow out the candles and we can finally sleep.

-Thadan

 

_ [An hour later, as Thadan sleeps in Ghorbash's arms, the latter takes a shaky breath. _

_ "Are you awake?" he asks, dead-quiet, and receives no reply. He tucks his face into Thadan's shoulder, feeling his heartbeat with his nose and lips. _

_ "I... I think I love you," he confesses to his sleeping lover. "I've never loved someone like this before. It's awful and I hate you for it." _

_ Thadan snores in reply, loud enough to startle, and though Ghorbash does his best to keep his volume down, he still laughs so hard he cries.] _

 

Gods, I'm forgetful! In the past couple days I've forgotten:

  * To give Septimus Signus his essence extractor.
  * To ask the woman who sold me the coral dragon claw if she knows where I might find where it belongs.
  * To retrieve Meeko from Breezehome.
  * To go do what Isran from the Dawnguard asked me to do near Dawnstar.



Most of which I've had ample opportunity to do, I've just been in such a hurry to retrieve the pieces of this amulet and get back here to Solitude, that my mind has been scattered. Tomorrow, hopefully with the re-forged amulet in hand, we'll leave for the north to do most of those things, then back here through Whiterun to grab Meeko.

-Thadan

 

We asked the local blacksmith about where we might be able to forge something of great power, and he seemed... suspicious. He asked what we were doing but, after we refused to tell him ("We're just wondering!") he sighed and said he didn't know, but perhaps an Orc blacksmith would. Or Eorlund Grey-Mane. He recommended we head to Dushnikh Yal to ask around, as he's heard good things about their steel and other crafting, and bid us goodbye.

Of course, as soon as we were out of earshot, Lydia and I turned to look at Ghorbash. We asked if he might know, and he shrugged, telling us he'd heard a rumor of some sort of magic forge closeby the stronghold, but he'd never heard of anyone finding it or using it. We'll head to Dushnikh Yal now.

After our conversation last night, he seems nervous to bring me there, but it will be fine. We'll simply ask about the forge and leave. Perhaps we can be back there tomorrow.

-Thadan

 

_ ["They don't know about us,” Ghorbash says as they walk deeper into the mountains and closer to his home. "Mother has her suspicions, but no one else can know." _

_ "What, you're embarrassed of me?" Thadan jokes, and Ghorbash rolls his eyes. _

_ "I'm not chief. By the code, I'm not allowed to- to, well. take a wife." Lydia snorts. Ghorbash continues. "And I don't know if that means a wife specifically or if I can't wed at all. I want to believe it will be fine but I'd rather be safe." All he can think is Borguk challenging him for breaking the code - he knows Thadan wouldn't just stand aside. Borguk would die, and as much as he might deserve it in that situation, he was still Ghorbash's brother. _

_ "Alright. We're just partners then," Thadan says. "No problem." _

_ "I give you both two hours at the most," Lydia pipes in. "You two have the collective subtlety of a cave bear. Everyone we meet knows you're together almost on sight." _

_ "I don't know what you're talking about," Thadan says, and Lydia rolls her eyes behind her helmet. _

_ "You're constantly almost touching," she says, and as if on cue Thadan's path veers left, putting a foot between him and Ghorbash. "And you're always making eyes at each other. Honestly, it's sickening." _

_ "You've never complained before," Thadan mumbles, then sighs. "Anything else we should tone down?" _

_ She pauses to think. "Don't call each other 'love.' Hells, if it wouldn't be too suspicious, I might just try and avoid talking to each other at all. Or about each other." _

_ “Ah, mother! Burguk! Sorry to say, but my dear friend here has gone spontaneously mute since you’ve last seen each other,” Ghorbash jokes, patting Thadan on the shoulder. Thadan snorts. _

_ “Do you think they’d believe it?” Lydia asks after pausing to give it legitimate thought. _

_ “No reason not to.” Ghorbash shrugs. _

_ Thadan scoffs. “I am not faking mute. I can behave.”] _

 

Upon arrival in Dushnikh Yal, we were met to... mixed response. Ghorbash’s mother, Murbol, took her son in her arms the instant she saw us. Burguk was cold and serious, much as I remembered him from when we first met. He was moreso with Ghorbash, which I found interesting, but likely not my business. At least for now.

Ghorbash quickly brushed the both of them off, asking after Gharol, one of Burguk’s wives and the stronghold’s blacksmith. We were pointed her way and he, Lydia, and I walked toward her forge.

(Lydia cleared her throat, and I took a wide step to the side to increase my distance from Ghorbash. What, it’s relfex now!)

She didn’t take as kindly, but her sour attitude seems perpetual, and not caused by our appearance. When Ghorbash asked about the forge, she seemed as suspicious as the Solitude smith did, but she nodded. It was an old story, but the idea was that the orcs that founded Dushnikh Yal did so while trying to find an ancient, powerful forge. They never found it, but all their leads led to the area. She asked why we needed it, and I did confide in her that we’d found pieces of a powerful amulet that needed to be taken there to be reforged. She tried to ask for more details and I was inclined to give them, but Ghorbash thanked her for the help and grabbed Lydia and I by the arms and began to drag us out.

Outside earshot of the lookout, a great distance from the stronghold, he finally let us go.

“What was that about?” I asked.

“I think it’s time we get moving,” he said, shrugging.

“What did she say?” Lydia asked him, and I furrowed my brow.

“Lydia, you were right there, you surely heard-”

“No, my mother pulled my away while you were talking to Gharol,” Ghorbash said. “She said we should leave. She’s happy for you and I, but I am breaking the Code by taking a lover without being chief. And as much as that hurts and angers me, I don’t want to kill Burguk. If we go back, she said she’ll be forced to tell him.”

I was reminded of how I left Valas’s body where he died, instead of taking him home. As much as it pained me to leave him, taking him back to Valenwood where I’d likely have to have him butchered and either eat him myself or sell his meat was much more horrifying. Sometimes family comes before the Gods - or Malacath, in Ghorbash’s case.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and he shrugged again.

“I refuse to be upset by it. Shall we get moving?”

“How did she know?” Lydia asked as we began to walk again.

“I spoke of Thadan to her when I was there last,” he said. “While you were in Solstheim. She guessed then, but I didn’t confirm or deny.”

“And now?”

“She said she saw it in my eyes when she pulled me away,” he said. “I don’t know. Can we drop it?”

We did, and began the search.

-Thadan

 

In searching for the correct cave, we've just found the wrong one. Let's hope this detour is our only source of wasted time.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 6th, 4E 201---

It's past midnight and we've found ourselves in a Forsworn camp. Cleared of enemies, we're now going to rest here a couple hours before continuing on.

-Thadan

 

When we woke and went to the nearby river to drink and wash up a little, Lydia found a cave behind the waterfall! Perhaps this is it! As soon as we're ready, we'll explore.

-Thadan

 

It was! I had to fight the three sons again, one after another, as well as several of their draugr thralls, but once it was complete, a spirit - their father? the mage who imprisoned them? - appeared and, in a great bright light of magic, re-forged the amulet. I'm wearing it now and I can feel the strong magic within it surging through me.

-Thadan

 

We decided to walk east from there, first toward Whiterun, then toward Ivarstead. Another thing I’ve forgotten - I should have taken the Rueful Axe to Clavicus Vile while I was in the area. We were walking the long road to Whiterun when I saw- I believed it to be a barrow, by the massive arches and spires of stone protruding out of the mountain, dotted with waterfalls. It resembled Bleak Falls, so after a cursory search for the trail up the mountain, we made our way up to explore it.

It was taken over by Forsworn, one of which I saw trying to

_ [There’s a large splotch of honey colored liquid on the next several pages, smearing the ink into illegibility. Very few words are readable, Thadan’s loopy script not helping the case. Over top of the stains, Thadan has scribbled in larger, sloppier writing, “Bard’s leap - massive spires made me believe it was a barrow, but instead it was a site where an ancient bard had made a leap from atop a waterfall. I slipped and fell from the top, taking the leap into the water below, and met the bard’s corpse. Also up there I found forsworn who had made camp, and a pair of hagravens that were turning the forsworn into strange mages by replacing their hearts with briars. At the very top, most hidden part of the mountain I found a word wall for a word meaning “fade.” I also ran into Vilkas and Ria fighting a sabre cat, and were accosted by an argonian in humorously mismatched armor.”] _

 

\---Evening Star, 7th, 4E 201---

_ [The honey colored liquid continues here, where Thadan has re-written the date and over top of the single stained page wrote simply, “Shopping in riverwood, then got lost in a bandit-ridden Helgen. Can’t remember the rest.”] _

It's snowing now as we draw closer to our location. I'd planned on walking back to Whiterun tonight, but instead I believe we'll stay the night in Ivarstead.

-Thadan

 

The Rueful Axe has been returned to Clavicus Vile, and Barbas has returned to his master's side. As- punishment? reward? Vile gave me a metal mask. It's far too heavy for me to wear, but like my other Daedric artifacts, I suppose it will make fine home decor.

Now, to Ivarstead for the night.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 8th, 4E 201---

We've arrived in Whiterun to clear our pockets for the moment, and now we'll leave for Winterhold to start on my list of, er, errands. Coral claw, Septimus, then to Dawnstar. Here's hoping I don't get distracted any more.

-Thadan

 

I believe us halfway to Winterhold, but it's getting dark and I believe we'd rather not be out in the open overnight. We've chanced upon a mill on the river, and its owners have said they'd allow us room and board for the night if we help with a frostbite spider problem nearby. My fingers are itching for my bow so I've accepted the terms.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 9th, 4E 201---

It's morning and we've arrived in Winterhold. I asked the shopkeeper who gave me the coral-colored claw if she knew where I might use it, but she expressed confusion. I suppose it may not be common knowledge that the claws are ancient keys for Nord tombs.

I suppose we should just go exploring, then, in the cold. Perhaps we'll stumble upon something.

-Thadan

 

We found a ruin housing a bandit and a dead wizard, a barrow I intend to explore momentarily, and a cave with remains scattered about the entrance. We're checking out the cave first.

-Thadan

 

The inside of the icy cavern reeked of rotting meat and excrement, and inside we discovered four frost trolls. I remembered being horrified the first time I saw one, skirting around it and sprinting for safety up the steps to High Hrothgar. Oh, how things have changed. With just two well-placed shots I downed each of them.

Now, to the barrow.

-Thadan

 

The door to the barrow is locked, much like the one we discovered in Falkreath. Once more I am disappointed.

Lydia has been sneezing violently for the past hour of exploration, drawing unwanted attention and worrying me to pieces. I've sent her to Windhelm and told her to take a carriage to Breezehome to rest. We'll meet her there once we've either found the claw's place of belonging or I decide to give up for now.

-Thadan

 

Chanced upon a fight between a mage, a bandit, and a horker. It was almost humerous, and I decided to help by attacking the bandit, but once I had I was then attacked by the horker, then the mage, then an archer appeared out of gods-know-where and attacked Ghorbash. We made quick work of them all but I was disappointed that I had to kill the man I saved. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Now, we've found another barrow. This one hopefully isn't locked, ha.

-Thadan

 

There are these small orbs of blue light that keep bouncing around the walls and my feet like children. I don't know what to make of them but they seem... harmless. For now.

In a typical puzzle room we've discovered the corpse of a man who seemed to have come on business for the College of Winterhold. His notes will hopefully help me not make the same mistake he did.

-Thadan

 

There are more orbs now, and we've not seen a single living dead. I'm growing paranoid.

It sounds as though the stone is breathing.

-Thadan

 

We've found the claw door and the orbs (nearly a dozen now!) are glowing so bright my eye aches to see them. Here's hoping the coral claw is the match.

-Thadan

 

It was. We fought what seemed to be the spirit of a draugr who Shouted at once once before we finally struck him down. I suppose it was the spirit of the Yngol the scholar mentioned in his notes?

The exit door wouldn't open until I picked up his helm, so I suppose that was the spirits' way of telling me I needed it. The orbs all disappeared once Yngol was gone.

We've surfaced now, and after we explore this shipwreck I see in the distance, we're to head toward Windhelm perhaps for the night.

-Thadan

 

It's growing dark and we've seen three more frost trolls, a couple small encampments of bandits, a monument to refugees from Morrowind, and now I'm not sure but it's some ancient Nord structure high on the mountain. I want to see what it is before we head to Windhelm, so we're trying to find a way now.

Ghorbash is, of course, exhasperated but has expressed no desire to leave without me, no matter how nice an inn's fireplace sounds right about now.

-Thadan

 

It was a shrine to Boethiah, daedric lord of deception and... a great many things, as I was told by the priestess there. There are a few others up here fighting and whatnot. Seems to me to be some sort of cult.

We're headed to Windhelm now. 

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 10th, 4E 201---

We've spent the day walking to and around Whiterun. I realized I needed more hands to help carry my things from here to Solitude, and I recalled from earlier today I'd seen the dark elf mercenary-for-hire in the fletcher's. I approached her and she seemed excited that I was hiring her for my crew, but as though she didn't want me to know.

That excitement became less so when I brought her to Breezehome and started handing her extra armor and weapons. Now, she's got her bag shouldered and we're leaving for Solitude.

-Thadan

 

It's just before midnight and we've just arrived in Solitude by carriage and-

I just realized I forgot Meeko AGAIN. This is getting ridiculous. And I forgot to go to Dawnstar! Damn! I'm so air-headed lately.

Lydia is still feeling under the weather, so we've decided that in the meantime we'll finish business here in town, then Ghorbash and I will go find something to do. A day and perhaps a night out on the town. First, of course, we must rest. I've offered Lydia and Jenassa (the mercenary) the children's beds for the night.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 11th, 4E 201---

We finished bright and early, so we've decided to go hunting for the day. Just Ghorbash, nature, and I. I look forward to it.

-Thadan

 

"I thought we were hunting, Thadan," Ghorbash hissed as we sprinted up the mountain steps. "Hunting! And I thought it might be some kind of metaphor for... something else. But at the very least I believed we would be hunting!"

"We are hunting," I panted.

"We're not hunting, we're chasing a dragon! Where even are we?"

I shrugged. "Not far, I don't think. South of Morthal. I think I've killed a dragon here before."

Ghorbash huffed, shaking his head. "After this, we're bedding down. I refuse to run back down the mountain in this." He gestured vaguely to the air and snow, the cloud and evening-darkened sky, the bitter cold. "Who's to say it won't just fly away again?"

As he said this, the dragon finally re-entered my view, and I belted out Dragonrend, engulfing it in blue energy. It roared, thrashed, and the fight began.

Aside from fighting the dragon (which we've just finished), we did hunt for a long while this morning, then as we walked I saw the overturned wagon and dead redguards that reminded me of a cave I once attempted to traverse before turning back, at the time too unwieldy with a bow and lacking in confidence to clear it of danger. With Ghorbash at my side we finally cleared it out, and it felt like the tying of a loose end. Then, as we exited, a massive ice-blue dragon with a paddle tail soared across the sky, paying us no mind as it mindlessly made its way toward this mountain. The rest, the battle and arguing with Ghorbash whether this counts as hunting (which it definitely does), is history.

Now, as it remains bitterly cold and I honestly cannot discern the time from the clouds above, we've found a cave. If it's safe we will bed inside, and if it isn't, we'll clear it first. Some part of the blood and bones and skeever corpse outside has me convinced we will not be in bed for a while.

-Thadan

 

Aside from a frost troll and a pair of corpses belonging to a bandit and an elk, the icy cavern is empty. It will do for the night. In the morning we must find our way back toward Solitude to check on Lydia.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 12th, 4E 201---

I found a cave atop a waterfall. Lydia can wait a little while longer.

-Thadan

 

That was quick! Three bears and two chests. If only every cave or barrow had such a good ratio, ha!

-Thadan

 

We, er. Stopped to clear out a fort of necromancers. It's mid-afternoon, however, and we're now back in Solitude! Finally. Ghorbash is making a beeline for Proudspire while I do some trading - he's exhausted. I feel bad for dragging him along for so long, but not enough that I can promise it won't happen again.

-Thadan

 

Jenassa and Jordis say Lydia is much the same as when we left, though she insists she feels better. She's promised to be careful and stay warm, and let me know if anything changes, so I'm allowing her to come with us. I've decided I'm taking everyone to Whiterun to pick up Meeko and more of our belongings from Breezehome. Perhaps a total of ten hands will be enough to get the essentials. And someone will remember the damn dog.

 

Then, once we drop everyone off, I think I'll take Jordis and Jenassa with me to Dawnstar at last. Jenassa seems disappointed that I've used her as a glorified pack mule (which is fair) and Jordis... well, she doesn't seem keen on adventuring with me, but I think it may be fun.

For now, bed. It's evening and we should be rested for tomorrow's journey - we're walking to Whiterun, and taking a carriage back.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 13th, 4E 201---

I'm going to go ahead and say this is a bad idea. I realized the road we were taking would take us to Dawnstar before Whiterun, which is the opposite of what I want. So, looking at my map... there's a massive ruin Jenassa says is called "Labyrinthian" that cuts through the mountain and puts us in the plain west of Whiterun. This is an awful idea, but I suggested we walk through it as a shortcut. I don't want to go inside with all five of us, so I'll try to keep from growing too curious and...

Ah, fuck it. I'm sending Lydia and Jenassa back to Whiterun, because they're the most nervous about this, and Jordis, Ghorbash, and I will explore.

-Thadan

 

Just found a strange mask (like mine, but wooden) and a skeleton and a letter and a dagger, all surrounded by stone statues that remind me of the dragon priests I've fought and the one from which I acquired my mask... I'm nervous and scared and, somehow, excited. My adrenaline is pumping and I hope this will be a long night.

If the massive door I saw just moments ago is sealed when I finally decide I'm finished out here, I'm going to be very disappointed. I may seek out knowledge on how to get inside if that happens, since I'm so intrigued.

-Thadan

 

We walked through what seemed to be the safest door first, a metal door that looked like it belonged in a barrow. I'm not sure how wise this was, in hindsight. I carefully stepped over the pressure plates in the floor, but either Ghorbash or Jordis triggered them, trapping us inside. Neither will confess. I suppose the only way out is forward.

-Thadan

 

A couple draugr with massive-horned helmets and my first handful of ebony arrows (!!) later, we've come out the other side. I found several assorted amulets - for Talos, Dibella, and another I've forgotten - which was interesting.

Now, to find another door.

-Thadan

 

I'm inside a maze... I can't believe I forgot to write before I entered. I feel as though something is drawing me in, stronger even than my curiosity.

The door I found was a wooden double door, and what was inside wasn't what I expected. I thought it would lead inside, but instead lead to a massive courtyard with a stone maze within, its walls towering. Before the entrance was a burnt corpse clutching a soul gem and a note, and four floating staves. One conjured an orb of light, one shot out a ball of fire, and the other two require a target. Rather than test them on my friends, I decided to save them for when I was inside. I took all four as I believed they would be useful, or perhaps necessary, once I was inside.

I left Ghorbash and Jordis outside. The walls are cramped and I'd rather go it alone, especially since I believe I will need to be stealthy. After their stunt with the traps in the last dungeon, I'll let them sit this one out.

They were nervous, but stayed behind. If Ghorbash held me a touch too tight for a moment too long when kissing me goodbye, I pretended not to notice. Gods, I love him.

At the entrance was a glowing placard with the symbol for the Alteration school, a tree transformed. I struggled to remember a single spell of the school, unsure what to do to activate it and let myself in. I then remembered the staves, and noticed the same symbol was on the one that conjured the light. I cast it, and the metal spiked-gate receded into the floor, allowing me passage.

Since, I have seen two skeevers and have felt nothing but unease at my back. The wind echoing on the walls reminds me of breath, of whispers. I feel simultaneously alone and as if I am being watched.

Another notable instant was opening one of the many strange shutters in the walls, most of which carry junk or reagents, but this one was stained with old blood. Inside was a human head, its body encased in the wall, and a piece of gold in its teeth. I took the offering and felt more unease, but tried to shrug it off.

I have arrived at the Destruction door, a hand of fire emblazoned before me. This door is embedded in the floor and I assume it will lead me below. I wish I could tell Ghorbash and Lyd- Jordis about it, but I can't. Only way out is forward.

-Thadan

 

I made it. There was a Daedra - not a lord, but a regular dremora. I defeated it easy, though its two storm atronachs nearly killed Ghorbash and Jordis. See, when I stepped through the portal to the last trial or what have you, I was teleported back to them. Not a smart move on the dremora's part, as I fight best when aided by my companions.

It's nearly midnight. I'll ask what the others want to do and act accordingly - try the last door or make camp for the night.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 14th, 4E 201---

I tried the door to no avail. It seems to require... something. A claw of some sort, perhaps? I know not. Ghorbash, Jordis, and I will be bedding down for the night and then will leave for Whiterun at sunrise.

-Thadan

 

Perhaps the College of Winterhold will be able to help. We'll be in the area soon - when Jordis, Jenassa, and I head to Dawnstar. Perhaps I can ask.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 15th, 4E 201---

It's a couple hours before dawn and we've arrived in Solitude - Ghorbash, Lydia, Jenassa, Jordis, Meeko, and I. An unlikely crew if I've ever seen one. We're all laden down with things to take into Proudspire and shove into chests for later organization, and thankful to finally be finished.

The ride from Whiterun was long, but surprisingly fun. With the least to carry of us all, since she's still recovering from her cold, Lydia made off with several bottles of mead and wine from my never-touched stash back at Breezehome, which we went through rather quickly as we rode. Ghorbash ended up asleep across my lap as Jordis and Jenassa and Lydia told stories of adventures and giggled like they were young girls and not the formidable women I know them to be. I flipped through my journal at Lydia's request to regale the others with stories - Sovngarde and Blackreach and Windhelm. I read them parts I found funny (“ Just bears. A lot of bears! But just bears.” ) or profound ("I felt as though the walls were breathing,") and told them the story of my eye and my brother and of leaving Valenwood all those years ago. They were both fascinated, as was Lydia despite knowing these stories, and all-in-all we had a good time.

Now, to Proudspire. We have a long morning ahead of us.

-Thadan

 

"Good luck," Lydia said, tossing her armor onto the table outside my and Ghorbash's room at the top of the stairs with a loud clunk. "Don't let him drag you into too many caves."

"If you see a cave or ruin or barrow, don't tell him, actually," Ghorbash added, leaning against the doorjamb to our room. "Just pretend you don't. And if he tries to go 'exploring,' remind him of your goal. Whatever that is."

Jenassa and Jordis both nodded seriously, though the former was smirking. I frowned, standing just behind them at the top of the stairs.

"Caves are fun and you know it," I said in an attempt at defense, but both Lydia and Ghorbash sent me hard looks. I stopped.

"What are you doing anyway?" Lydia asked.

"Dawnstar, for Dawnguard business. Then we're to check on the madman in the ice and then head to the mages' college," Jordis recited. "And then I suppose we'll be back?"

"That's the plan, yes," I said.

"I'm glad he's told you and you remember," Ghorbash said. "Because the moment he sees a cave-"

"-he'll have forgotten," Lydia cut in. "And three days later you'll be back here with ten thousand more gold and still won't have given Signus his blood."

"You two don't remember either!" I interrupted.

"I do," Lydia admitted. "I just am usually done with the cold when I do, and don't tell you."

"I forget just as you do," Ghorbash said. "Old men with faulty memories."

Jenassa, Jordis, and I are leaving now. I'm excited to get going and get to know them better.

-Thadan

 

We arrived rather late, and in our exploring (despite what the others told them, neither has tried to stop me) we've discovered a shrine to Mehrunes Dagon (with a door I couldn't pick the lock on for the life of me - that will require a key, if I ever find one), a standing stone, and now, I chanced upon a woman killing three bandits on her own. Impressive, for someone I've never seen or heard of. She asked who in the name of Dagon I am, which I assume means she's connected to the shrine I saw.

She told some story about how she used to be part of the "gang" from the crypt I'm standing outside of now, and that when her friend stole the boss's sword and blamed it on her, it led to the fight I witnessed. She ran off into the snow, leaving me to figure out this mess or leave. I'm not one to leave ends untied, and there's a warm fire at this camp, so Jenassa, Jordis, and I are going to clear this camp and discover what happened, then bed for the night.

-Thadan

 

There's something wrong down here. The mine... I've read the notes of the bandits down here, and they found something in the mine. Disturbed something they shouldn't have. Something is wrong.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 16th, 4E 201---

We came upon the forested cavern described in the notes, as well as witnessed the dying breaths of the gang's leader. His killer was the khajiit that accused the woman from before of stealing the sword then ran - and we saw him running toward the center of the cavern where a table sat, awaiting the sword, its charge. According to the notes, the khajiit had realized that taking the sword would awaken the "Pale Lady," a spirit-like being in the cave, which rose to attack when he approached. He died during the fight, and Jordis, Jenassa, and I took down the Lady and her summons. We placed the sword back where it belonged and left.

On the way out we found a word wall, and I learned the word "statue," which seems related to a Shout called "ice form." I've said this before I'm sure, but I don't know why I've learned to many Shouts when I hardly use any. I use Clear Skies when visiting Paarthurnax, I use Whirlwind Sprint to get to hard-to-reach locations on occasion, but that's really it. I haven't even seen a dragon since the one Ghorbash and I fought several days ago.

We're making use of this fire and sleeping. Jenassa and Jordis are recounting what's just happened with excitement - they seem unused to actual adventure. I hope these next couple days continue to excite them.

-Thadan

 

I believe it may be... perhaps midday? After? We've been here several hours, I know.

Hidden mechanisms have been the way down here, levers and chains opening doors right next to them or completely across caverns. More of those strange black dogs, as well as the expected vampires and skeletons have been littered throughout. A couple draugr, even one who used Unrelenting Force, as well. All in all, a fairly simple barrow/cavern expedition.

Until now.

We came into a massive cavern of water, with a bridge from the edge to a huge circular structure in the center. We killed the vampires quickly and advanced. In the center of the circle was a pedistal with a button on it. I was... anxious, to say the least. I'd expected some sort of blood offering mechanism, like the one I used in Sky Haven Temple, with Delphine and Esbern. Gods, that feels like a lifetime ago. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder if they're still there.

Anyway, this looked like a simple button, so I swallowed my fear and pressed it.

A massive stone spike emerged and punched a huge hole in my palm, and I screamed. Typical.

The ground shook, and though I was distracted clutching at my hand and watching more of my own blood than I'd seen in a long time spill out onto the stone and my skin and my leathers, I took a deep breath and looked around to see what was happening. A sort of purple flame erupted from seams in the stone, and when nothing happened for a long moment, I realized I needed to... to do something. I tried pressing the button again, hands shaking, but nothing happened. Then I noticed a handful of pedistals, one of which was lit with purple flame and the rest of which were not. I took another moment to collect myself, and pushed the others into place until they were lit as well, my blood glistening on their rims.

A massive sound of stone scraping stone, and I turned to see the pedistal raise into the air, a larger formation of stone underneath. Again I was unsure what to do, and with shaking hands I simply touched it. The blood smear seemed to be enough, and the panel I touched fell away - revealing a woman inside.

I promptly fainted.

Jordis was the first face I saw when I came to, only a couple moments later. The woman from inside the stone looked as concerned as the others, but not about me.

"Are you alright, my thane?" Jordis asked, and I nodded without assessing how I was.

"M-my hand," I said, voice weak. "Can't... can't feel it."

I summoned my limited magical energy and tried to heal it, but the wound only stung and began to bleed anew. Damned magical wounds. It would be another question for the College... if we ever get there.

Once I was back on my feet and semi-functional, the mysterious woman found it in herself to look more confused than I did. She... I can't remember the conversation much. I'm still losing blood and we should leave but I want to finish this.

She doesn't know how long she's been in there, but was surprised to learn that Cyrodiil is the seat of an empire, if that's any indication. Gods I'm exhausted. I miss Ghorbash. I want to go home.

Oh, that reminds me. She wants to go to her family home somewhere off the coast of Solitude. She said we'll take a boat there, and it reminded me of when Ghorbash and I found that old mansion on the rock out that way. Maybe it's the place? I didn't think to ask.

And she has an Elder Scroll strapped to her back like a bow or blade. She won't let anyone see or touch it, and won't explain why in the world she's been asleep for centuries with an artifact of immense power.

Also she's a vampire. I feel like I should kill her, but she's the first one who hasn't attacked me on sight. So I'll leave it be for now. But I'm keeping an eye on...

_ [The "n" trails on for a couple inches and stops.] _

Fainted again. Serana - the woman - doesn't seeem interested in helping me out, only in escaping. Jenassa and Jordis know nothing of medicine. I asked the former to fetch me a strip of cloth from a dead vampire, and asked the latter to hand me a bottle of mead. I soaked the makeshift bandage and wrapped my hand the best I could. It's my right - my loading hand, and my non-dominant one, so I should be fine to fight, but I'm upset I can't just heal the damage. The hole is huge and sickening, and I'm glad to have it covered. No man or mer is meant to look through his own flesh as if it were a window.

Now, I suppose we find a way out.

-Thadan

 

It's evening and we're out. It's cold. There were statues that came to life but we killed them. Also more draugr. Serana woke one up and I don't like that. If I kill it, let it sleep.

The Elder Scroll sounds like a swarm of winged bugs and we killed a powerful draugr by working together. There was over 200 gold in the chest. And a word, I forgot what it means. I'm tired. I miss Ghorbash...

_ [There's a sizeable ink spot at the end of "Ghorbash," and this page smells heavily of old blood and bad mead.] _

 

\---Evening Star, 17th, 4E 201---

I've just woken, alone in a room at the Inn in Morthal.

"He's up," Serana announced from outside the room, as if she'd seen me. Perhaps her vampire senses... er, sensed me.

The three women came into the room at once, as I struggled to sit up. My head ached, and I clutched at it with my hand, noticing it was now properly wrapped. It still hurts like hell and I'm not sure how (or if?) it will ever heal. It's not a scrape - it's an inches-wide hole in my palm.

Jenassa told how Jordis carried me here from the ruin on her shoulders, calling it her duty as housecarl. Jenassa carried my bag, not trusting Serana with it (I wouldn't either, and was grateful she understands). We arrived late, and they used my gold to rent the room. I've been asleep since.

Now, it's perhaps mid-morning, and after I break fast we will be leaving. Solitude isn't far, and I feel far less faint now than I did last night. To be careful, however, I'll have a health potion with my meal.

-Thadan

 

It's just before noon and we're leaving Solitude. I stopped in to empty my pockets before we leave to Serana's castle home. She says she's never been to Solitude, despite living so closeby. I wonder why that is.

-Thadan

 

We've arrived. I've asked Jenassa and Jordis to wait outside for me, as I doubt bringing more outsiders in will be any help. Serana says she and I will split up inside... I don't know what I'm meant to be doing here, but I have a feeling my current "kill all vampires" strategy will be any good.

The watchman from before, who hardly blinked at Ghorbash and I trying to get in all those weeks ago, is much more lively with Serana here.

-Thadan

 

I've just left the most horrific scene.

Imagine: long dinner tables, gleaming silver, impeccably dressed nobles, all stained with blood. Living men and women, barely conscious and moaning in pain as they are served as meals to a dozen vampires. I am no opponent of cannibalism - as a bosmer, I have little room to speak. But I do believe there is a difference between doing so for a good reason such as upholding the Green Pact, or preventing one's own starvation by eating a fallen comrade, or simply not wasting good meat, and doing so by turning living, breathing people into cattle to be harvested and kept alive. It's a level of barbarism and evil I've scarcely seen, and I'm disgusted.

At the head of the room was Lord Harkon, Serana's father and "vampire lord." He offered to turn me into a vampire in repayment for saving his daughter, and I simply stared on in disgust. At my apparent refusal, he bent at the waist much as I'd seen the Companions do while shifting into wolves, After his transformation he was perhaps a foot taller, sickly blue-gray and horned, with significantly less wings and ugly, fleshy wings. He held out his arms and said something about pure power, as if this new, hideous body would convince me to change my mind. I didn't, and he had me knocked out and deposited by the boat outside.

Jordis and Jenassa helped me to my feet, and we've just landed back on the mainland. Now, to Solitude for the night and to explain what happened to Lydia and Ghorbash. Then, to Winterhold in the morning to give Septimus his blood and ask the College about how to enter Labyrinthian. I'll decide where to go from there.

I really must report back to the Dawnguard on my findings, but I don't wish to travel to the literal other end of Skyrim to do so, so I will do so another time. Soon, however. I don't want to know how many will be harvested to sate these monsters' appetites.

-Thadan

 

It's getting dark and we're still not in Solitude. I got a little lost, and just found a cave. Whoops.

-Thadan

 

A handful of hagravens, and a man in a cage who asked for our help, then tried to kill me when the hags were dealt with. Idiot.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 18th, 4E 201---

There were vampires within the walls the instant we re-entered Solitude. I suppose I must once again postpone the Winterhold trip - I must visit the Dawnguard at once.

We'll leave at dawn.

-Thadan

 

Traveling by carriage all day, we've arrived in Ivarstead just before midnight. Neither I, nor Lydia and Ghorbash, are tired, so we're going to continue. We hope to arrive by dawn.

-Thadan

 

\---Evening Star, 19th, 4E 201---

Dawn is still hours away, and I just discovered a ruin. A nearby notebook left by a... researcher, it seems? Tells of stories that say treasure lies within. It's called Angarvunde and we're heading inside.

Whatever this researcher found, it likely killed them. Perhaps I will be more lucky.

-Thadan

 

Um. I was mistaken. She's alive, standing just inside the entrance, and very upset that her "work force" caught sight of draugr in the ruin and ran. I've offered to help, and she says she'll split the treasure with me. Fair enough. I suppose she did discover it and dig open the entrance.

-Thadan

 

I've lost Lydia and Ghorbash - I fell down some pit and they didn't follow, so I'll have to track them down once I finish.

We cleared out the three draugr that had Madresi's men so scared, then she gave me a key that has sent me deeper into the ruin and cost me my companions. I'm alone down here.

I just had an archer duel, except it was myself versus two draugr archers (I've never run into so many - they were my fourth and fifth of this excursion!). It was exciting, as I'm not used to returning fire. I healed my wounds and I'm moving on now.

-Thadan

 

I emerged out the other side of the ruin, and back into the central chamber. Madresi paind me no mind, waiting for the big gate to open while I work on the smaller gates.

I reunited with Ghorbash and Lydia, and we're moving to the other side to try and get the rest of the gates open.

-Thadan

 

Upon gaining entrance into the "treasure room," Madresi broke into a mad sprint and exclaimed about how the treasure is "All mine!" She was cut short, however, when she stepped onto a massive pressure plate and lifted high into the air, where a bloody death by spikes awaited. Patience is a virtue.

The treasure chest she'd been throwing herself at contained a handful of gold, a broken sword hilt, and cobwebs. However, Ghorbash discovered a door in the stone where the pressure plate had risen, and it gave way to a stone staircase. We're taking it down to see if we can find the true treasure.

-Thadan

 

A word wall and a chest containing elven armor (pass), an enchanted ring that I believe increased my magical ability (pass, but I'll sell it), and a considerable sum of gold. The word was "animal."

It's midday I believe, despite the cloud cover, and we're heading to Riften now.

-Thadan

 

In Fort Dawnguard, preparing to leave again. When we arrived, we witnessed a band of vampires engaged in combat with the Dawnguard. They died, easily, but Isran is worried. I told him about what happened, and he says we'll need to recruit two more people. A breton girl who's interested in the dwemer, and a nord man who seems to tame trolls? An interesting collection, for sure.

He had a location for the girl - halfway between Solitude and Markarth - and none for the man, so we'll find her first.

-Thadan

 

Er... I got distracted again.

There's a great swath east of the Dawnguard entrance that isn't on my map, that I've never explored. Thus far I've found a temple of Stendarr, a cave bear, a house in cinders (accompanied by a corpse clutching a scroll of summon fire atrinoch), and now a massive barrow. There's an Imperial captain here that says he's on a mission from Tullius to get a weapon and aid the war effort. I told him Windhelm is conquered already, but he simply grew shifty and ignored me.

He told me of the "Dragon cult," which is where the beings I've called dragon priests came from. He says the mask of the priest entombed here at Forelhost is one of the most powerful, and I'm very interested. I'm still wearing the one that allows me to breath underwater, and carrying the wooden one I found in Labyrinthian.

I'm heading inside now. It's... perhaps very near to midnight. I'm excited, even if my companions are not. The captain, a man called Valmir, has just unlocked the door.

-Thadan

  
  



End file.
